I'm just so sick of it

I am writing this post b/c I am wide awake and it's almost one in the morning.  And frankly I don't know what else to do.  I am just so sick of everything...

He is just being so freaking difficult about stuff.  All I want is an answer to how long it's going to take for him to come up with the money to pay the divorce lawyer.  This is something that I feel I have the right to know after all it directly effects me right?  And nothing... I get treated like I'm prying into the most secret of secret information... like how dare I ask such a thing.

It is my business... I'm not trying to know his finances or what he needs to pay for what when (although I could guess that kind of stuff) but asking a question that about a freaking time line.  Just give me an estimate when you think you'll have the money... how long do I have to wait around to get this show on the road.  I am ready to get this thing going and put this mess behind me... not that it's that easy or anything but at least that part will be completed... right now I'm still married... married... and unless I want to drop the full amount of money on this thing... well that's how it's going to stay.

I'm not saying there's a rush... I have no real good reason that I need to be divorced right now... but I just want that part to be done so when I am ready to date I can.  Something about dating while I'm still technically married just sounds like the wrong thing to do.

I am just so sick of everything being on his terms... breaking this marriage up was on his terms.  You would think that it would have been my decision b/c I'm the one who wants to have kids... but it wasn't.  Every single thing was when he would agree to it or when he decided this or that without even consulting me.  The money example is good example... when he is ready when he has the money when he can figure it out.

The other thing that popped up was his decision that he was going to file taxes alone.  I'm not saying that I want to file taxes with him... but that is still something that directly effects me and it should be something that at the very least talked about not sent in a message "BTW I'm filing separate taxes this year. You need to do so also."  What a prick.

I know I haven't gotten to calling names or being mean... but right now that's exactly what I'm feeling.  I'm feeling like he is being as ass and I want to call him out on it.

If we're being honest, I don't think I should have to pay for this divorce at all... I wasn't the one who wanted it.  I wasn't the one who lied... I wasn't the one who making the freaking decision.  I am the one who has to deal with all this aftermath and waste $600 of my saved cash on this thing that I didn't even want to do in the first place.  As stupid, dumb, and never going to happen as it may be... I honestly believe he should have to pay for it all.

So that's where I am... I know a lot of people will think (b/c they won't say it to me, and I'm glad they don't) that I should have expected all of this and that I have high expectations or something... but whatever... this is how I feel... this is my blog and I can say what I want... I don't really want to hear the opposite of this right now.