Well, the year is coming to an end, and I thought I would do a post on how I did accomplishing my New Years Resolution. I am so proud to say that the past two years I've been able to accomplish my resolutions. I've picked things I wanted to inprove on and something that was measurable.
In 2010 I choose to read more books. I set a goal of 25 books in a year, which I didn't quite accomplish - but I did get to 15 and felt very good about that.
This year I decided I want to blog more. I set a goal of 3 blog entries a week or 12 entries a month or 144 entries next year minimum.
Well, how did I do?? Let's first look at monthly stats. It's easy to look for my monthly stats and not the weekly ones...
January - 16
February - 12
March - 12
April - 11
May - 13
June - 13
July - 12
August - 12
September - 16
October - 13
November - 31
December - 15 (including this post)
Looking over those numbers, I hit the 12 post goal in every month except April, I guess that was a sorta slow month!
I wanted to write 144 posts throughout the year... and I achieved 176 posts... that means I wrote 32 more posts than I tried to do... that's pretty darn good, no? That's an average of one post every 2-3 days.
I'm going to digress for a second, the last few years I've done a year in review post talking about major things that happened each month. I have choosen not to that this year given the circumstances... I don't want to have to go back and remember a time where I was married and happy... it's just not the same, I experienced two different 'lifes' this year... so I'm choosing to not do it this year. I'll probably start doing it again next year...
So, you'll have to check back next year for my 2012 New Years Resolution... I haven't completely decided what I'm going to do yet... but you'll know soon enough!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Merry Christmas
My Christmas isn't completely over yet... I still have one more celebration on Sunday, the first. But I wanted to follow up yesterday's post with something happy.
Christmas was wonderful this year. Like I said before, it was kinda nice to only have to worry about myself and not manage a whole other family that seemingly makes me feel guilty that I need to go there and do things with them... This year we started at my dad's family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandpa). We played rob your neighbor and I ended up with some pretty sweet Cardinals World Series floor mats.
That night we headed out to my aunt's house were we celebrate with my mom's family (aunts, uncle, cousins, grandma). As I told you previously, we watch A Christmas Story each year... this year my brother, sister, and I all wore our Christmas Story t-shirts.
Don't we look festive?!?
After the movie we opened up gifts... I got some clothes including a new dress and workout outfit (maybe I'll be motivated to actually work out??) and I got a silverware set as well as the traditional pajamas. During the rob your neighbor exchange I got a Cardinals travel mug.
We left my aunt's house super late and it was nearly 1am when we got home. The next morning we opened up gifts. Everyone seemed to like what I got them. I got a ton of stuff including dresses, other clothes, shoes and other stuff... I felt so loved. After opening gifts and stockings we made and ate our traditional breakfast.
After breakfast, we started to play board game after board game... this lasted for the next almost 12 hours. We played Word on the Street, Quirkle, Cranium Wow, Bezzerwizzer, Scattergories Categories, Yahtzee, Whoonu, Buzz Word, Scattergories, and Dicecapades. It was quite the day!!
I also had the next two days off work... so Monday, we did a happy hour sort of thing at the 1904 Beerhouse at River City and on Tuesday I went wedding gown shopping with my great friend Liz. Overall, it was a wonderful Christmas break... and I'm not even finished yet!
Christmas was wonderful this year. Like I said before, it was kinda nice to only have to worry about myself and not manage a whole other family that seemingly makes me feel guilty that I need to go there and do things with them... This year we started at my dad's family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandpa). We played rob your neighbor and I ended up with some pretty sweet Cardinals World Series floor mats.
That night we headed out to my aunt's house were we celebrate with my mom's family (aunts, uncle, cousins, grandma). As I told you previously, we watch A Christmas Story each year... this year my brother, sister, and I all wore our Christmas Story t-shirts.
After the movie we opened up gifts... I got some clothes including a new dress and workout outfit (maybe I'll be motivated to actually work out??) and I got a silverware set as well as the traditional pajamas. During the rob your neighbor exchange I got a Cardinals travel mug.
We left my aunt's house super late and it was nearly 1am when we got home. The next morning we opened up gifts. Everyone seemed to like what I got them. I got a ton of stuff including dresses, other clothes, shoes and other stuff... I felt so loved. After opening gifts and stockings we made and ate our traditional breakfast.
After breakfast, we started to play board game after board game... this lasted for the next almost 12 hours. We played Word on the Street, Quirkle, Cranium Wow, Bezzerwizzer, Scattergories Categories, Yahtzee, Whoonu, Buzz Word, Scattergories, and Dicecapades. It was quite the day!!
I also had the next two days off work... so Monday, we did a happy hour sort of thing at the 1904 Beerhouse at River City and on Tuesday I went wedding gown shopping with my great friend Liz. Overall, it was a wonderful Christmas break... and I'm not even finished yet!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Sadder One
I promise to do the happier Christmas post soon, but right now there are a few things that I'd really like to get off my mind.
Overall, Christmas was a lot of fun and really really great - especially on Christmas Day (really, I promise to tell you all about it later...) but even after that wonderful day when I got into bed for the night I started to feel really sad and I started to miss him... a lot. I guess it has to do with this time of year we spend with family and he was a part of that. I missed being able to talk to him and see him and be with him. I missed finding a good gift for him and I missed experiencing Christmas together... I missed him.
So many times everything is so great and I'm having a truly wonderful time and then I just get this overwhelming flash of sadness... and honestly, I hate it. Why can't I just enjoy the good?? Amerce myself completely and hold onto those good feelings... why must I get sad?
I know some people wonder why I don't talk to them about these feelings... and really, I just don't want to. I don't really feel like telling anyone... there really isn't much anyone can say that I haven't already heard or I really need to hear. I guess I like to deal with these things myself... sure there are things that I do want to talk to people about, but these I'm sad randomly feelings... I would rather just forget. Now why would I choose to blog about them? Well, that would be a good question. I need to get them out someway. I might not want to talk to someone about them, but I like to deal with these feelings somehow... and this blog works very well for me. I feel like some of the things I write about people get upset that I don't just tell them straight out... I would really hope that people are beginning to understand how I need to deal with things. That I'm not telling you because I don't like you or want to talk to you, but this is the way that I have chosen to deal with things. This is the way that makes me feel better... and I'm sorry if that's a bit selfish, but I need to do some things for myself and this is one of them. I have considered not writing these things publicly anymore. I'm not sure what the difference is publicly vs. personally... I could write these feelings privately and write a lot more honestly about things that are bothering me... including things that might just be really hurtful... right now I like the public arena... someone said I'm just looking for comments... but frankly I don't really get many of them, so whatever to that.
I guess it's just that time of year that things are going to be sad. I knew that, but I still didn't expect it to be this strong. I know that Sunday, my final Christmas celebration, is going to be tougher than the rest... I'm slightly dreading it because of that. I wish I could just force myself to be happy... wouldn't that be nice? Maybe I'm making it out to be a lot worse than it actually is - I really hope that's the case... I will just say it's going to suck when I'm the only one not coupled up - regardless of how nice, friendly, not all coupley everyone is - I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me.
I have been thinking recently about getting back out there... going on a date or signing up for an online dating site (free, not paying yet...). I've had some very mixed feelings about stuff. I do have a hard time with still technically being married while actively looking for a date... but I'm beginning to think it might be the right next move. Maybe I don't have to meet anyone right away, but I can talk to a boy and see how things go... I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it a lot more recently. I'm thinking that I won't be actually divorced until March or April (at the earliest). Do I really want to wait that long? Should I wait until the divorce ball is rolling full on? Should I instead have friends set me up? I'm just thinking that it would be something different, and that's not a bad thing. Hmm... something to consider for sure.
Another things that's been on my mind is this friend of mine. Her and I were super close 3-5 years ago. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. But since we've fallen out of touch. I tried super hard to stay friends with her. I would call, text, email, snail mail, visit, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal to try to make the friendship work... and I didn't get that effort from her at all... (of course this is making a long story short...) Last year she tried to get into touch with me again, and I tried again... I told her to call me that weekend and no call ever came. Yesterday I received a Christmas card from her. I'm paraphrasing, but call me, my life has drastically changed for the better, miss and love you.... Of course it was addressed to him and me because she doesn't know about the divorce, which also stung... I don't really know what to do about it. She was my best friend for a long time, but she also wasn't a good friend... and looking back even at the time she wasn't the greatest. I've put so much effort into things that I feel tapped out in that area... I don't really want to go through all of it again. But then I look at it from another angle. A few of my friendships had fallen apart for one reason or another and I forgave or asked them to forgive me and now I have great friendships with them again... I can think of at least three examples of this. From my caring side, I hate for someone to put out the effort and me be mean just because I'm mad about the past. Do I really want hate in my life like that? So I really don't know what I'm going to do... what I should do... what I want to do... I know what some other's opinions are in the matter, but whatever I decide to do, I need to make sure I'm ok with it, not anyone else.
Decisions, Decisions
Overall, Christmas was a lot of fun and really really great - especially on Christmas Day (really, I promise to tell you all about it later...) but even after that wonderful day when I got into bed for the night I started to feel really sad and I started to miss him... a lot. I guess it has to do with this time of year we spend with family and he was a part of that. I missed being able to talk to him and see him and be with him. I missed finding a good gift for him and I missed experiencing Christmas together... I missed him.
So many times everything is so great and I'm having a truly wonderful time and then I just get this overwhelming flash of sadness... and honestly, I hate it. Why can't I just enjoy the good?? Amerce myself completely and hold onto those good feelings... why must I get sad?
I know some people wonder why I don't talk to them about these feelings... and really, I just don't want to. I don't really feel like telling anyone... there really isn't much anyone can say that I haven't already heard or I really need to hear. I guess I like to deal with these things myself... sure there are things that I do want to talk to people about, but these I'm sad randomly feelings... I would rather just forget. Now why would I choose to blog about them? Well, that would be a good question. I need to get them out someway. I might not want to talk to someone about them, but I like to deal with these feelings somehow... and this blog works very well for me. I feel like some of the things I write about people get upset that I don't just tell them straight out... I would really hope that people are beginning to understand how I need to deal with things. That I'm not telling you because I don't like you or want to talk to you, but this is the way that I have chosen to deal with things. This is the way that makes me feel better... and I'm sorry if that's a bit selfish, but I need to do some things for myself and this is one of them. I have considered not writing these things publicly anymore. I'm not sure what the difference is publicly vs. personally... I could write these feelings privately and write a lot more honestly about things that are bothering me... including things that might just be really hurtful... right now I like the public arena... someone said I'm just looking for comments... but frankly I don't really get many of them, so whatever to that.
I guess it's just that time of year that things are going to be sad. I knew that, but I still didn't expect it to be this strong. I know that Sunday, my final Christmas celebration, is going to be tougher than the rest... I'm slightly dreading it because of that. I wish I could just force myself to be happy... wouldn't that be nice? Maybe I'm making it out to be a lot worse than it actually is - I really hope that's the case... I will just say it's going to suck when I'm the only one not coupled up - regardless of how nice, friendly, not all coupley everyone is - I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me.
I have been thinking recently about getting back out there... going on a date or signing up for an online dating site (free, not paying yet...). I've had some very mixed feelings about stuff. I do have a hard time with still technically being married while actively looking for a date... but I'm beginning to think it might be the right next move. Maybe I don't have to meet anyone right away, but I can talk to a boy and see how things go... I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it a lot more recently. I'm thinking that I won't be actually divorced until March or April (at the earliest). Do I really want to wait that long? Should I wait until the divorce ball is rolling full on? Should I instead have friends set me up? I'm just thinking that it would be something different, and that's not a bad thing. Hmm... something to consider for sure.
Another things that's been on my mind is this friend of mine. Her and I were super close 3-5 years ago. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. But since we've fallen out of touch. I tried super hard to stay friends with her. I would call, text, email, snail mail, visit, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal to try to make the friendship work... and I didn't get that effort from her at all... (of course this is making a long story short...) Last year she tried to get into touch with me again, and I tried again... I told her to call me that weekend and no call ever came. Yesterday I received a Christmas card from her. I'm paraphrasing, but call me, my life has drastically changed for the better, miss and love you.... Of course it was addressed to him and me because she doesn't know about the divorce, which also stung... I don't really know what to do about it. She was my best friend for a long time, but she also wasn't a good friend... and looking back even at the time she wasn't the greatest. I've put so much effort into things that I feel tapped out in that area... I don't really want to go through all of it again. But then I look at it from another angle. A few of my friendships had fallen apart for one reason or another and I forgave or asked them to forgive me and now I have great friendships with them again... I can think of at least three examples of this. From my caring side, I hate for someone to put out the effort and me be mean just because I'm mad about the past. Do I really want hate in my life like that? So I really don't know what I'm going to do... what I should do... what I want to do... I know what some other's opinions are in the matter, but whatever I decide to do, I need to make sure I'm ok with it, not anyone else.
Decisions, Decisions
Friday, December 23, 2011
Christmas Traditions
I'm not sure if I've ever written about this before... but I think it's really interesting to hear about other family's traditions, so I thought I would share some of the ones that I grew up with and still do today. Of course this year is a bit different or the retro depending how you think about it. I'm choosing to look at it that I get to go back to pure family traditions and don't have to even worry about complicating things with another family in the mix... it's kinda refreshing in a way.
Anyway enough of that!
One of the first traditions that I think I've done since I started driving - or shortly there after - is shopping for pajamas for all the grand children. I still take her out, we went a couple of weeks ago.
Another pre-Christmas tradition in our house is my mom baking like a bajillion cookies. This year is was 15 different kinds. When I was in my own house I made 3-5 different kinds. I have chosen not to bake as many (we already have way too many sweets in the house) but I am going to make cake balls, they're my speciality!
On Christmas Eve we've always gone to my mom's family. It started at my grandparent's house, and now takes place at my aunt Ruth's house. Due to her husband's family she's actually not there. We eat (my mom's family and my other aunt's family) and then we watch A Christmas Story on TBS. I absolutely love this tradition. When the movie wraps up is the same time that Ruth's family gets back and we get together and open presents. Within the last few years we've stopped doing stocking and drawing names. Instead we each bring a $20-25 gift and play Rob Your Neighbor. It's a lot of fun bringing everyone together to play the game... plus I can buy whatever I want to bring. It's really neat to see what people decide is a good gift to bring.
Christmas morning has taken place at a lot of different places, but this year it is old school and we're doing it at my mom's house. We open gifts (one at a time, gotta make the unwrapping last awhile) and then stockings. Then my mom makes a big breakfast and we all eat together. After breakfast we break into the board games we got (my mom always gets us each a board game... and you wondered where my obsession came from). We snack and play games all day long... it's wonderful.
For my entire life my dad's family has celebrated Christmas on Christmas day. This year we are celebrating on Christmas Eve. I will admit that I haven't been to this Christmas celebration for the last 4-5 years due to his family's celebration... but we also started doing a Rob Your Neighbor game at this house. It was much better than drawing names and getting a random gift card or craptastic gift. And it's really great to see this entire family in the same place at the same time focused on one thing. Over there, we eat buffet style and never sit down all together. I remember it being fun everyone being in the same room at the same time for one purpose.
The final Christmas celebrate is at my dad's house. This year it won't take place until next weekend (all for extending the celebration!) All of the kids draw names, which is fun. A few years ago we started doing party food for this celebration which is awesome. I absolutely LOVE party food... and it's really fun to make party food. This year I'm going to make jalapeno artichoke dip (or a new recipe that's similar but slightly different of jalapeno popper dip) and probably buffalo chicken dip. The party food is seriously my favorite part, how silly is that?
I know some people do different things when it comes to gifts under the tree. At my mom's she has everything wrapped up. She'll just write our names or different variations of the names (Jenn, Jenny, Jennasher, etc). At my dad's house, there is one special 'santa' gift that's wrapped in special paper. For me, wrapping is my absolute favorite thing ever... no package is complete without a bow.
What are your favorite Christmas traditions?
Anyway enough of that!
One of the first traditions that I think I've done since I started driving - or shortly there after - is shopping for pajamas for all the grand children. I still take her out, we went a couple of weeks ago.
Another pre-Christmas tradition in our house is my mom baking like a bajillion cookies. This year is was 15 different kinds. When I was in my own house I made 3-5 different kinds. I have chosen not to bake as many (we already have way too many sweets in the house) but I am going to make cake balls, they're my speciality!
On Christmas Eve we've always gone to my mom's family. It started at my grandparent's house, and now takes place at my aunt Ruth's house. Due to her husband's family she's actually not there. We eat (my mom's family and my other aunt's family) and then we watch A Christmas Story on TBS. I absolutely love this tradition. When the movie wraps up is the same time that Ruth's family gets back and we get together and open presents. Within the last few years we've stopped doing stocking and drawing names. Instead we each bring a $20-25 gift and play Rob Your Neighbor. It's a lot of fun bringing everyone together to play the game... plus I can buy whatever I want to bring. It's really neat to see what people decide is a good gift to bring.
Christmas morning has taken place at a lot of different places, but this year it is old school and we're doing it at my mom's house. We open gifts (one at a time, gotta make the unwrapping last awhile) and then stockings. Then my mom makes a big breakfast and we all eat together. After breakfast we break into the board games we got (my mom always gets us each a board game... and you wondered where my obsession came from). We snack and play games all day long... it's wonderful.
For my entire life my dad's family has celebrated Christmas on Christmas day. This year we are celebrating on Christmas Eve. I will admit that I haven't been to this Christmas celebration for the last 4-5 years due to his family's celebration... but we also started doing a Rob Your Neighbor game at this house. It was much better than drawing names and getting a random gift card or craptastic gift. And it's really great to see this entire family in the same place at the same time focused on one thing. Over there, we eat buffet style and never sit down all together. I remember it being fun everyone being in the same room at the same time for one purpose.
The final Christmas celebrate is at my dad's house. This year it won't take place until next weekend (all for extending the celebration!) All of the kids draw names, which is fun. A few years ago we started doing party food for this celebration which is awesome. I absolutely LOVE party food... and it's really fun to make party food. This year I'm going to make jalapeno artichoke dip (or a new recipe that's similar but slightly different of jalapeno popper dip) and probably buffalo chicken dip. The party food is seriously my favorite part, how silly is that?
I know some people do different things when it comes to gifts under the tree. At my mom's she has everything wrapped up. She'll just write our names or different variations of the names (Jenn, Jenny, Jennasher, etc). At my dad's house, there is one special 'santa' gift that's wrapped in special paper. For me, wrapping is my absolute favorite thing ever... no package is complete without a bow.
What are your favorite Christmas traditions?
NFL Week 16 Picks
Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts
Denver Broncos vs. Buffalo Bills
Arizona Cardinals vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans
Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Miami Dolphins vs. New Endgland Patriots
New York Giants vs. New York Jets
St. Louis Rams vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Minnesota Vikings vs. Washington Redskins
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Carolina Panthers
Cleveland Browns vs. Baltimore Ravens
San Diego Chargers vs. Detriot Lions
Philadelpha Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys
San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks
Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers
Atlanta Falcons vs. New Orleans Saints
Susan
Me
Both
After 15 weeks... Susan is making up some ground
Susan: 132-92
Jenn: 138-86
Denver Broncos vs. Buffalo Bills
Arizona Cardinals vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans
Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Miami Dolphins vs. New Endgland Patriots
New York Giants vs. New York Jets
St. Louis Rams vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Minnesota Vikings vs. Washington Redskins
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Carolina Panthers
Cleveland Browns vs. Baltimore Ravens
San Diego Chargers vs. Detriot Lions
Philadelpha Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys
San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks
Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers
Atlanta Falcons vs. New Orleans Saints
Susan
Me
Both
After 15 weeks... Susan is making up some ground
Susan: 132-92
Jenn: 138-86
Monday, December 19, 2011
Random Thoughts for a Monday
Just wanted to share some random thoughts.
- I had a pretty good weekend. Mostly, low key, but good. Friday night we had an impromptu happy hour with my dad's family, which is always fun. Saturday I finished shopping for my mom (only dad and purchasing a gift certificate, which I'm going to do today to go). That night I attended an ugly Christmas sweater party. I'm really happy that my step-sister, Rachel agreed to go with me. I had a couple of friends say they would, but ended up bailing, so I'm happy she could attend with me. She know some of those girls, so I think she enjoyed it too. Sunday I worked on homework and then watched the Survivor finale with my mom while wrapping gifts. I still have a few to go, since they were for my mom, and obviously can't do that while she's sitting next to me!
- Mental Health wise I've been doing really good. I think it's a combination of several different things - blogging some honest feelings last week, going to a counseling appointment, figuring out how this divorce will be funded, just knowing that I'm not the only one hurting because of this, and generally just starting to get into the Christmas spirit. I need to remind myself that this whole process is a spiral. Just because I'm doing good today doesn't mean I'll be good forever. I will experience times of pain, upset-ness, anger, sadness, etc. Just because I am any of those negative things doesn't mean I'm moving backward. It's good to remind myself of that. It's okay what I'm thinking - what I'm feeling isn't wrong. It's natural and expected.
- Speaking of that, I actually want to say something nice about him. Yesterday I was having issues with my computer. None of my Microsoft Office programs would open and I would get a weird error message. Not sure what to do, I texted him. I knew that he didn't have to respond - or help me... but he did and I couldn't be more appreciative. He helped me fix the problem relatively quickly (he is good with computers!) I felt good knowing it was a Microsoft update that messed things up and nothing I did. I'm really really thankful that he helped me. It meant a lot to me. We chatted a bit too, and I didn't feel sad after the conversation, but more ok with things somehow. I think sometimes you get into your head and make things up. The counselor calls this distorted thinking patterns. He is hurting too... this isn't easy for either of us, and when I'm feeling sad it's hard not to think that he can't be possibly hurting like I am. This is one of the things that does make me feel better. It just sucks all around.
- I am suppose to be moving buildings at work... it's a bit of a cluster. It feels like someone should give everyone guidance on how to do things - but that just hasn't happened. In the end, it will probably be me moving myself, which just seems weird. I thought I would do it today, but I think I might wait a bit.
- I think I have New Years Eve figured out, which is nice... thanks to my good friend Liz!
- I am really looking forward to the Christmas festivities. I love this time of year and I really want to enjoy it. It's beginning to feel more like Christmas every day, and I'm excited. I think I've mentioned before, but I LOVE wrapping gifts, so I'm looking forward to wrapping the few more that I have tonight. Also on the agenda this week - hanging out with Rachel tomorrow and seeing the Nutcracker at the Touhill on Wednesday... I've been wanting to go to the Nutcracker for ages and I'm super excited to finally seeing it!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
NFL Week 15 Picks
Whoops... we were doing such a good job of getting the Thursday pick in before the game, but didn't think week
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Atlanta Falcons
Dallas Cowboys vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills
Seattle Seahawks vs. Chicago Bears
Tennessee Titans vs. Indianapolis Colts
Green Bay Packers vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Cincinnati Bengals vs. St. Louis Rams
New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings
Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants
Carolina Panthers vs. Houston Texans
Detroit Lions vs. Oakland Raiders
New England Patriots vs. Denver Broncos
New York Jets vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Cleveland Browns vs. Arizona Cardinals
Baltimore Ravens vs. San Diego Chargers
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. San Francisco 49ers
I'll add up the scores another time
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Atlanta Falcons
Dallas Cowboys vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills
Seattle Seahawks vs. Chicago Bears
Tennessee Titans vs. Indianapolis Colts
Green Bay Packers vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Cincinnati Bengals vs. St. Louis Rams
New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings
Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants
Carolina Panthers vs. Houston Texans
Detroit Lions vs. Oakland Raiders
New England Patriots vs. Denver Broncos
New York Jets vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Cleveland Browns vs. Arizona Cardinals
Baltimore Ravens vs. San Diego Chargers
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. San Francisco 49ers
Susan
Me
BothI'll add up the scores another time
Thursday, December 15, 2011
500
This is a special post for me... this is my 500th post!! Can you believe it? I have been blogging since mid-October 2008. I good blogger would have reached this goal by now... but I've stuck with my resolution (more on that in a week or two) and I feel like I'm doing much better as a blogger.
A lot of things have happened in the 3+ years and 500 posts... and I'm not going to recap that... but you can read about them, if you want :)
I wanted to write a bit about why I enjoy this blog and what it means to me. Lately it has become clearer to me. I write this blog for me... while I really enjoy knowing that I have readers and I especially love getting the very few comments that I actually get (I know there's a way to get more, but I'm not there quite yet) This blog is a tale of my life. It's a place to record all the things that I do, the feelings I've had. It's nice to see growth and it's a good re-assurance that life moves on and this two will pass.
I like being able to look back and see the past three years in a way that I would not remember otherwise. I haven't really enjoyed looking back recently, but I am 100% certain that I'll be happy that I didn't go all crazy and delete posts of that previous life. It's a part of me, and it's a way for me to grow. Speaking of that, this blog has helped me more than I can really say in staying (somewhat) sane and strong during this divorce. I know they are probably not the most enjoyable or easy to read posts, but it's a place for me to be honest with myself. Those posts have helped me a lot to sort out my feelings and a place to get them out of my head. I've had a lot of on the negative side posts recently, but yesterday's post really helped me feel better. I've felt a lot better since I wrote it (not perfect, but better.)
I'm happy I decided to start blogging. When I started, I really wasn't sure where I wanted it to go, or what I wanted it to become... but it's become my life, it's become a place for family and friends to read and know what's going on, especially things I probably just wouldn't say when I'm around (not because their bad, but because they don't seem conversation worthy) I'm happy with where this has come and where it's going.
I will keep on blogging... I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. To my readers (the few, but still), I'm happy that you stop by and share in my life journey. Even though I know most of you don't comment (you should) it means a lot to me to know you're out there.
Here's to many many more posts!!
A lot of things have happened in the 3+ years and 500 posts... and I'm not going to recap that... but you can read about them, if you want :)
I wanted to write a bit about why I enjoy this blog and what it means to me. Lately it has become clearer to me. I write this blog for me... while I really enjoy knowing that I have readers and I especially love getting the very few comments that I actually get (I know there's a way to get more, but I'm not there quite yet) This blog is a tale of my life. It's a place to record all the things that I do, the feelings I've had. It's nice to see growth and it's a good re-assurance that life moves on and this two will pass.
I like being able to look back and see the past three years in a way that I would not remember otherwise. I haven't really enjoyed looking back recently, but I am 100% certain that I'll be happy that I didn't go all crazy and delete posts of that previous life. It's a part of me, and it's a way for me to grow. Speaking of that, this blog has helped me more than I can really say in staying (somewhat) sane and strong during this divorce. I know they are probably not the most enjoyable or easy to read posts, but it's a place for me to be honest with myself. Those posts have helped me a lot to sort out my feelings and a place to get them out of my head. I've had a lot of on the negative side posts recently, but yesterday's post really helped me feel better. I've felt a lot better since I wrote it (not perfect, but better.)
I'm happy I decided to start blogging. When I started, I really wasn't sure where I wanted it to go, or what I wanted it to become... but it's become my life, it's become a place for family and friends to read and know what's going on, especially things I probably just wouldn't say when I'm around (not because their bad, but because they don't seem conversation worthy) I'm happy with where this has come and where it's going.
I will keep on blogging... I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. To my readers (the few, but still), I'm happy that you stop by and share in my life journey. Even though I know most of you don't comment (you should) it means a lot to me to know you're out there.
Here's to many many more posts!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I'm not sure
Here we are again... I promised a happier post and here I am starting a brand new whiney, woe-is-me post. I'm going to be real... I've been having a rough time lately. I'm not sure why, but I am. I've been feeling more sad lately, crying randomly, and just really sensitive... I hate it. I have really tried to stay positive and hope this is just passing... and honestly I'm still clinging to that hope... I don't like to be sad, I don't like to be negative, and I don't like being overly sensitive... but it seems like everything is getting to me lately.
While it is true that I'm not wallowing in self-despare 100% of the time. I can still be happy and positive and have a good time at times... I've been feeling the negative feelings more than I really want to admit. I can't even really tell you what makes me sad or start feeling negative. Sometimes I will be driving along and have this fleeting thought... and just start to tear up. It might be related to him or the situation or a friend... it could be any of these things... Like on Monday, I was merely thinking about having to tell the doctor about this situation and I started to cry or I'll think about my previous life and be sad.
If I'm being honest... I'm starting to worry if this is normal. I'm starting to worry that I'm moving backward and not forward. I'm starting to worry I'm not in as good a place as people think... or that even I want to believe. What if I'm just kidding myself and I've got a problem that I don't want to admit... I don't know what's normal... but I think I feel sad more than people realize. Shoot... when people talk to me about the situation or ask me questions I get teary eyed.
And honestly, I really haven't felt the desire to talk to anyone about this situation. I know tons of people would be there to listen and not judge... trust me, I know that you are there. It's just that, I don't really feel like I have much to say. I don't really know what I want to talk about... or if I have anything that I really need to say... does that make any sense.
I feel silly even writing this post (mostly b/c I was sadder when I started writing it than I do feel now...) I guess that writing stuff out helps me a lot. There have been some things lately, as I've mentioned, that I don't really feel comfortable sharing. Mostly, I don't want to commit certain things to writing because I don't want to hurt feelings or complain about people that are my friends and family... if those things really need to be written about I should write them elsewhere, not in this public arena.
Geez... I just feel like a mess sometimes... I just so desperately want to be ok. I don't want to cry, I don't want feel sad or sensitive. Speaking of the sensitive... things people say I'm just getting more emotional about than I should... or quite honestly taking it out of context and relating it to other parts of my life, including the past relationship when I shouldn't do it at all.
When I'm thinking logically and my mind/body isn't clouded with emotions I can say this. While, this divorce sucks royally - I think in a lot of ways I'm better off. He had some childhood issues he didn't want to work out, finanically we should have been better, he was selfish in a lot of ways, and looking back I think all of these things effected me more than I wanted to admit at the time. The chance to start all over, is actually kind of exciting...
I wonder if I'm letting myself to get emotional and feel sorry for myself in this weird limbo period. I have said (if I said it on this blog, I cannot remember) but it doesn't feel right to me to actively look for dates while I'm still technically married. Which kind of means, I'm just holding off on that aspect until I'm divorced. Maybe these emotions are also tied to this... I'm not sure. I talked (well, I tried to call, but he just texted back... figures) to him last night about a good option to get the ball rolling. I don't find it 100% ideal (as it would still be part of my money and I don't think I should have to pay) but I do think it's a good option to get this behind me... and I'm starting to think that's more important now.
Final Thoughts: I felt surprisingly better throughtout the month of November when I was 'forcing' myself to write each day. Maybe I should do that again... it was hard to find something to write about each and every day... but if it helps my mental health state because I do make myself write (both good and bad) I should consider it. Something to think about!
While it is true that I'm not wallowing in self-despare 100% of the time. I can still be happy and positive and have a good time at times... I've been feeling the negative feelings more than I really want to admit. I can't even really tell you what makes me sad or start feeling negative. Sometimes I will be driving along and have this fleeting thought... and just start to tear up. It might be related to him or the situation or a friend... it could be any of these things... Like on Monday, I was merely thinking about having to tell the doctor about this situation and I started to cry or I'll think about my previous life and be sad.
If I'm being honest... I'm starting to worry if this is normal. I'm starting to worry that I'm moving backward and not forward. I'm starting to worry I'm not in as good a place as people think... or that even I want to believe. What if I'm just kidding myself and I've got a problem that I don't want to admit... I don't know what's normal... but I think I feel sad more than people realize. Shoot... when people talk to me about the situation or ask me questions I get teary eyed.
And honestly, I really haven't felt the desire to talk to anyone about this situation. I know tons of people would be there to listen and not judge... trust me, I know that you are there. It's just that, I don't really feel like I have much to say. I don't really know what I want to talk about... or if I have anything that I really need to say... does that make any sense.
I feel silly even writing this post (mostly b/c I was sadder when I started writing it than I do feel now...) I guess that writing stuff out helps me a lot. There have been some things lately, as I've mentioned, that I don't really feel comfortable sharing. Mostly, I don't want to commit certain things to writing because I don't want to hurt feelings or complain about people that are my friends and family... if those things really need to be written about I should write them elsewhere, not in this public arena.
Geez... I just feel like a mess sometimes... I just so desperately want to be ok. I don't want to cry, I don't want feel sad or sensitive. Speaking of the sensitive... things people say I'm just getting more emotional about than I should... or quite honestly taking it out of context and relating it to other parts of my life, including the past relationship when I shouldn't do it at all.
When I'm thinking logically and my mind/body isn't clouded with emotions I can say this. While, this divorce sucks royally - I think in a lot of ways I'm better off. He had some childhood issues he didn't want to work out, finanically we should have been better, he was selfish in a lot of ways, and looking back I think all of these things effected me more than I wanted to admit at the time. The chance to start all over, is actually kind of exciting...
I wonder if I'm letting myself to get emotional and feel sorry for myself in this weird limbo period. I have said (if I said it on this blog, I cannot remember) but it doesn't feel right to me to actively look for dates while I'm still technically married. Which kind of means, I'm just holding off on that aspect until I'm divorced. Maybe these emotions are also tied to this... I'm not sure. I talked (well, I tried to call, but he just texted back... figures) to him last night about a good option to get the ball rolling. I don't find it 100% ideal (as it would still be part of my money and I don't think I should have to pay) but I do think it's a good option to get this behind me... and I'm starting to think that's more important now.
Final Thoughts: I felt surprisingly better throughtout the month of November when I was 'forcing' myself to write each day. Maybe I should do that again... it was hard to find something to write about each and every day... but if it helps my mental health state because I do make myself write (both good and bad) I should consider it. Something to think about!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Some Things
There has been this feeling I've been feeling most of the weekend... but it's just not something I'm comfortable posting on this blog in full detail. I'm going to try to write about what I feel comfortable saying, but I'm honestly not sure how it's going to flow... just letting you know this from the beginning.
As I mentioned in my last post (before football picks) that I was having a hard time feeling 'happy' at the work Christmas party. I kinda had that same feeling again this weekend. When I was surrounded by my good friends and just feeling like I had to force it a bit. I'm kinda attributing that to some other issues, but I wanted to feel it, I just wasn't. It was only when I was in the group of people, when I was one-on-one I felt a lot better... not sure what that means?
Also going along with the last post... I still feel like I'm not getting what I need from some of my friends (not all of them, just some...) I don't really know how to describe it. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm looking for, or what I do need... but I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I think I might be more dependent on my friends and sad when I don't feel like I'm ever made a priority or a thought sometimes... Like I said last time... this may be me setting my expectation very high... but I guess I've just been felt let down. (just deleted a whole passage where I got way too specific and I really don't want to bitch and moan about my friends here, when most of the time they are great and make me happy)
I feel like this is me just rehashing a lot of what I wrote on Friday. Sometimes I just need to do that... a lot of what I deleted did help to write out (even if it got deleted...) It's been a little over three months since this all went down... at some points, when I'm sad or upset, I just hoped to be a lot further along by now. I knew this stuff would bother me for awhile... but in a lot of ways sometimes I feel like I would be in a better place by now. I mean, I'm happy and getting by and whatever... but sometimes I still get really sad and I still feel really betrayed. And the more I think about how he knew for so long before he told me.... and that he told me over the phone while I was at work just kills me. At times it makes me feel so betrayed and like I wasn't even worth anything to him in the marriage. I feel like he owed me so much more and those thoughts break my heart all over again. Add in how his family has subsequently treated me, and I get pretty sad.
Some of these crying fits and sadness strikes - the feelings feel just as fresh as they were three months ago. Will they subside over time? I guess I will say that I don't feel hopeless and the crying fits/sadness strikes don't last nearly as long... that probably is a subsidizing thing.
Blah... I need to write about something happy next time... not for anyone else, but for myself. I feel like if you read a lot of these posts that you don't get an accurate sense of how I normally feel. So I do feel like I need to stress (both for myself and my readers) that I am happy... I am doing fairly well most of the time. It's not all hopeless and despair... trust me when I say that. Just want/need to work through some of these not so happy things... that's all.
As I mentioned in my last post (before football picks) that I was having a hard time feeling 'happy' at the work Christmas party. I kinda had that same feeling again this weekend. When I was surrounded by my good friends and just feeling like I had to force it a bit. I'm kinda attributing that to some other issues, but I wanted to feel it, I just wasn't. It was only when I was in the group of people, when I was one-on-one I felt a lot better... not sure what that means?
Also going along with the last post... I still feel like I'm not getting what I need from some of my friends (not all of them, just some...) I don't really know how to describe it. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm looking for, or what I do need... but I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I think I might be more dependent on my friends and sad when I don't feel like I'm ever made a priority or a thought sometimes... Like I said last time... this may be me setting my expectation very high... but I guess I've just been felt let down. (just deleted a whole passage where I got way too specific and I really don't want to bitch and moan about my friends here, when most of the time they are great and make me happy)
I feel like this is me just rehashing a lot of what I wrote on Friday. Sometimes I just need to do that... a lot of what I deleted did help to write out (even if it got deleted...) It's been a little over three months since this all went down... at some points, when I'm sad or upset, I just hoped to be a lot further along by now. I knew this stuff would bother me for awhile... but in a lot of ways sometimes I feel like I would be in a better place by now. I mean, I'm happy and getting by and whatever... but sometimes I still get really sad and I still feel really betrayed. And the more I think about how he knew for so long before he told me.... and that he told me over the phone while I was at work just kills me. At times it makes me feel so betrayed and like I wasn't even worth anything to him in the marriage. I feel like he owed me so much more and those thoughts break my heart all over again. Add in how his family has subsequently treated me, and I get pretty sad.
Some of these crying fits and sadness strikes - the feelings feel just as fresh as they were three months ago. Will they subside over time? I guess I will say that I don't feel hopeless and the crying fits/sadness strikes don't last nearly as long... that probably is a subsidizing thing.
Blah... I need to write about something happy next time... not for anyone else, but for myself. I feel like if you read a lot of these posts that you don't get an accurate sense of how I normally feel. So I do feel like I need to stress (both for myself and my readers) that I am happy... I am doing fairly well most of the time. It's not all hopeless and despair... trust me when I say that. Just want/need to work through some of these not so happy things... that's all.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
NFL Week 14 Picks
Cleveland Browns vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Houston Texans vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Minnesota Vikings vs. Detriot Lions
New Orleans Saints vs. Tennessee Titans
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Miami Dolphins
Kansas City Chiefs vs. New York Jets
New England Patriots vs. Washington Redskins
Atlanta Falcons vs. Carolina Panthers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens
Chicago Bears vs. Denver Broncos
San Francisco 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals
Oakland Raiders vs. Green Bay Packers
Buffalo Bills vs. San Diego Chargers
New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys
St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks
Jenn
Susan
Both
After 13 weeks....
Susan: 113-79
Jenn: 123-69
Houston Texans vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Minnesota Vikings vs. Detriot Lions
New Orleans Saints vs. Tennessee Titans
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Miami Dolphins
Kansas City Chiefs vs. New York Jets
New England Patriots vs. Washington Redskins
Atlanta Falcons vs. Carolina Panthers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens
Chicago Bears vs. Denver Broncos
San Francisco 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals
Oakland Raiders vs. Green Bay Packers
Buffalo Bills vs. San Diego Chargers
New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys
St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks
Jenn
Susan
Both
After 13 weeks....
Susan: 113-79
Jenn: 123-69
Friday, December 9, 2011
Fake It
I don't know what it was about yesterday but it was the first day that I just couldn't will myself to have a good time and be happy. It was a really weird sensation for me. I was at my work's Christmas party and I was just not feeling it. I put on a smile and tried my best, but I feel like it was very obvious that I wasn't in the mood. It felt really weird and I hope that it's not a trend. I have a feeling that's what depressed people feel all the time. I don't think I have depression, and I will be on the look out for the signs (and hope others would be too) but yesterday was just a bit unnerving. I should have been happy and having a good time... but what I wanted to do was leave, not be around people and just get away... hopefully that doesn't happen again any time soon.
Going along with this... maybe it's related but I don't think it is... but maybe things affect me more than I realize... but yesterday I felt fine in the morning... totally great... was happy and 'moving forward' and all that... and then something happened that just made me feel back at square one. I know I'm not ever back at square one, but still. Sometime I feel so dumb for being sad about this or that. Like it's just so silly, why would anyone be upset about that. I know that I should just be honest with my feeling, but you can't help but feel dumb sometimes. If you want to know what happened... yesterday it was announced that Albert Pujols will be going to the Angels next year. (sad day for Cardinals fans, but is what it is) anywho... my cousin was one of the first to say this on Facebook. And what do you know, but his brother comments on that status. This just angers me... a lot. His brother can delete me off Facebook lickety split yet remains 'friends' with my cousins... my family. Delete them all... or quit commenting on their status. (he did it again this morning to my other cousin too...) I guess it just brings up all those sad feelings I have about his family. It just hurts me so much. I thought I was coming terms to it, but I'm not. I am still really sad and upset about it... more than I really want to admit to myself.
But honestly, I had come to 'terms' with those feelings before the Christmas party - so I didn't think they were related. I guess I'm worried that I might feel this way throughout Christmas... one of my favorite times of the year. I really really hope that I don't... I don't think I will, but who knows. I never love the work Christmas party, so maybe it's just part of that.
And while I'm already talking about stuff that bothers me... I've felt slightly let down by friends. I will say that it doesn't take much, and I probably have my expectations incredibly high right now. But, I just have felt really disappointed by some of them lately. I'm getting irritated at people who say they will go with me to X, Y, or Z and then later get out of it. I would have appreciated honesty from the beginning instead of false promises or getting my hopes up (for lack of a better phrase/word whatever). I don't feel like I can really express what I'm feeling. And some of it probably has to do with something I'm doing wrong or expecting and I shouldn't be. I don't know... I feel bad even writing this... but it's something that's been on my mind and since this is my blog... I want to write how I honestly feel. It's a place that I can be honest with myself - I'm not writing this in the hopes someone will read it and change or feel bad or upset... I am writing it because this is my outlet and I need to say it somewhere. I think I need to figure out a way to lower my expectations... especially in cases where I know they need to be low.
Wow, this post was really a bit of a downer... sorry about that... I hope I don't sound like I'm sad all the time, because that's really not the case... it's just been a slightly rough week in a very odd way... I am happy a lot of the time, but the sad times are the ones that I really start to feel the urge to write. So what's what this is.
Going along with this... maybe it's related but I don't think it is... but maybe things affect me more than I realize... but yesterday I felt fine in the morning... totally great... was happy and 'moving forward' and all that... and then something happened that just made me feel back at square one. I know I'm not ever back at square one, but still. Sometime I feel so dumb for being sad about this or that. Like it's just so silly, why would anyone be upset about that. I know that I should just be honest with my feeling, but you can't help but feel dumb sometimes. If you want to know what happened... yesterday it was announced that Albert Pujols will be going to the Angels next year. (sad day for Cardinals fans, but is what it is) anywho... my cousin was one of the first to say this on Facebook. And what do you know, but his brother comments on that status. This just angers me... a lot. His brother can delete me off Facebook lickety split yet remains 'friends' with my cousins... my family. Delete them all... or quit commenting on their status. (he did it again this morning to my other cousin too...) I guess it just brings up all those sad feelings I have about his family. It just hurts me so much. I thought I was coming terms to it, but I'm not. I am still really sad and upset about it... more than I really want to admit to myself.
But honestly, I had come to 'terms' with those feelings before the Christmas party - so I didn't think they were related. I guess I'm worried that I might feel this way throughout Christmas... one of my favorite times of the year. I really really hope that I don't... I don't think I will, but who knows. I never love the work Christmas party, so maybe it's just part of that.
And while I'm already talking about stuff that bothers me... I've felt slightly let down by friends. I will say that it doesn't take much, and I probably have my expectations incredibly high right now. But, I just have felt really disappointed by some of them lately. I'm getting irritated at people who say they will go with me to X, Y, or Z and then later get out of it. I would have appreciated honesty from the beginning instead of false promises or getting my hopes up (for lack of a better phrase/word whatever). I don't feel like I can really express what I'm feeling. And some of it probably has to do with something I'm doing wrong or expecting and I shouldn't be. I don't know... I feel bad even writing this... but it's something that's been on my mind and since this is my blog... I want to write how I honestly feel. It's a place that I can be honest with myself - I'm not writing this in the hopes someone will read it and change or feel bad or upset... I am writing it because this is my outlet and I need to say it somewhere. I think I need to figure out a way to lower my expectations... especially in cases where I know they need to be low.
Wow, this post was really a bit of a downer... sorry about that... I hope I don't sound like I'm sad all the time, because that's really not the case... it's just been a slightly rough week in a very odd way... I am happy a lot of the time, but the sad times are the ones that I really start to feel the urge to write. So what's what this is.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Some Thoughts
I haven't written in awhile and I've thoroughly missed it. After writing everyday for 30 days, it felt weird not writing for the past week. I guess that I built sort of a habit in that month, which isn't a bad thing. I've really wanted to write, but I've also felt like I really don't have much to say.
I have fleeting thoughts a lot... thought about this divorce and other things. None of them have really felt worth committing to writing. In general, I feel sad sometimes, and I still cry from time-to-time, often very randomly. For the most part I feel really ok. I am ready to get the actual legal divorce ball rolling but I'm ok with the fact it won't happen until next year. I still think that he should pay for more of it than me. I have been giving that some thought lately. Basically, he was the one who changed his mind, he was the one who initiated all of this, and the more I think about it, he is the one gaining a majority of the assets. At this point I believe he should pay for most if not all of it. However, we have not discussed that... and there is the possibility if I wait for that to happen, it might be a very long time before we are divorced.
Like I said, I'm feeling ok. I'm just ready for the next step. I'm like really ready to be completely ok. And by that I mean, I'm ready to be ready to date and get back out there. This divorce not happening fast has given me a bit of a cooling period. It forces me to wait. I'm not saying that I couldn't start dating, but I certainly could, but I feel like it's very wrong to online date or put myself way out there when I'm still technically married. If something were to randomly happen naturally, that's a different story, but I'm not ready to actively be looking until I am not married anymore.
I feel the need to reiterate (only because one of my friends thought I was saying something different) I know that right now I am not ready, regardless of the divorce or not. I just am not there emotionally and I totally recognize that. I don't think I need to fully be there, but I need to be a heck of a lot closer before I'm ready to be hanging out even remotely romantically with guys. I am not trying to force myself to be ready, or put some sort of time limit on feelings (i.e. I will start dating in 6 months). I am ok with where I am right now. I feel like I've got a fairly level head about this right now. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me. After all, my motto through this is 'until it stops working.'
Anyway... in somewhat related news HIMYM has been relevant to what's going on in a way. I started watching old episode sometime last year and now I'm watching new episodes (BTW, one of my favorite shows on TV). This season has had the incredibly relevant babies topic. With Barney changing his mind about wanting kids and Robin not wanting kids, then finding out she can't have them, only be be sad about it... it's just been relevant. Surprisingly, this hasn't made me feel sad or bothered really... just pensive?
One final thing... I watched the entire first season of Survivor on You Tube in the last week or so. I thought I would looking back, and thus far it's been great. That first season of Survivor is unreal when you compare it to current day. I mean, that first season they were all mad at Richard Hatch because he formed an alliance, and alliances are horrible, horrible things. Compared to these days, when the alliances start forming after an hour on the island... just funny. I remember watching that show and hating Richard... now that I'm much more of a fan, I can respect that a lot more. I'm looking forward to watching the other seasons too.
And on that note... I'm finished with this entry.
I have fleeting thoughts a lot... thought about this divorce and other things. None of them have really felt worth committing to writing. In general, I feel sad sometimes, and I still cry from time-to-time, often very randomly. For the most part I feel really ok. I am ready to get the actual legal divorce ball rolling but I'm ok with the fact it won't happen until next year. I still think that he should pay for more of it than me. I have been giving that some thought lately. Basically, he was the one who changed his mind, he was the one who initiated all of this, and the more I think about it, he is the one gaining a majority of the assets. At this point I believe he should pay for most if not all of it. However, we have not discussed that... and there is the possibility if I wait for that to happen, it might be a very long time before we are divorced.
Like I said, I'm feeling ok. I'm just ready for the next step. I'm like really ready to be completely ok. And by that I mean, I'm ready to be ready to date and get back out there. This divorce not happening fast has given me a bit of a cooling period. It forces me to wait. I'm not saying that I couldn't start dating, but I certainly could, but I feel like it's very wrong to online date or put myself way out there when I'm still technically married. If something were to randomly happen naturally, that's a different story, but I'm not ready to actively be looking until I am not married anymore.
I feel the need to reiterate (only because one of my friends thought I was saying something different) I know that right now I am not ready, regardless of the divorce or not. I just am not there emotionally and I totally recognize that. I don't think I need to fully be there, but I need to be a heck of a lot closer before I'm ready to be hanging out even remotely romantically with guys. I am not trying to force myself to be ready, or put some sort of time limit on feelings (i.e. I will start dating in 6 months). I am ok with where I am right now. I feel like I've got a fairly level head about this right now. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me. After all, my motto through this is 'until it stops working.'
Anyway... in somewhat related news HIMYM has been relevant to what's going on in a way. I started watching old episode sometime last year and now I'm watching new episodes (BTW, one of my favorite shows on TV). This season has had the incredibly relevant babies topic. With Barney changing his mind about wanting kids and Robin not wanting kids, then finding out she can't have them, only be be sad about it... it's just been relevant. Surprisingly, this hasn't made me feel sad or bothered really... just pensive?
One final thing... I watched the entire first season of Survivor on You Tube in the last week or so. I thought I would looking back, and thus far it's been great. That first season of Survivor is unreal when you compare it to current day. I mean, that first season they were all mad at Richard Hatch because he formed an alliance, and alliances are horrible, horrible things. Compared to these days, when the alliances start forming after an hour on the island... just funny. I remember watching that show and hating Richard... now that I'm much more of a fan, I can respect that a lot more. I'm looking forward to watching the other seasons too.
And on that note... I'm finished with this entry.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
NFL Week 13 Picks
FYI We made our Thursday pick before the game I just didn't want to post yet...
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Seattle Seahawks
Tennessee Titans vs. Buffalo Bills
Kansas City Chiefs vs. Chicago Bears
Oakland Raiders vs. Miami Dolphins
Denver Broncos vs. Minnesota Vikings
Indianapolis Colts vs. New England Patriots
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Carolina Panthers vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
New York Jets vs. Washington Redskins
Atlanta Falcons vs. Houston Texans
Baltimore Ravens vs. Cleveland Browns
Green Bay Packers vs. New York Giants
Dallas Cowboys vs. Arizona Cardinals
St. Louis Rams vs. San Francisco 49ers
Detriot Lions vs. New Orleans Saints
San Diego Chargers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Susan
Me
Both
After 12 weeks - Susan gains on me a little...
Susan: 104-72
Jenn: 113-63
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Seattle Seahawks
Tennessee Titans vs. Buffalo Bills
Kansas City Chiefs vs. Chicago Bears
Oakland Raiders vs. Miami Dolphins
Denver Broncos vs. Minnesota Vikings
Indianapolis Colts vs. New England Patriots
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Carolina Panthers vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
New York Jets vs. Washington Redskins
Atlanta Falcons vs. Houston Texans
Baltimore Ravens vs. Cleveland Browns
Green Bay Packers vs. New York Giants
Dallas Cowboys vs. Arizona Cardinals
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Susan
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Both
After 12 weeks - Susan gains on me a little...
Susan: 104-72
Jenn: 113-63
Friday, December 2, 2011
How?
Say there is something that really bothers you. Something that you get super emotional about. One of those the feeling hits you way before you're actually able to defuse the situation. Your eyes get all teary and before you know it you really want to to cry. But you're not in a situation where you can... maybe you're around a big group of people, or in a strange location or you just can't get away... You can't really describe the situation to the people around you (maybe it doesn't make sense or opening your mouth will just make it worse) and you cannot just avoid the situation from the start.
You try to logic your way out of it - this doesn't make sense, why are you upset... the only real way is to try to tactifully get around it (not make it obvious), maybe go to the bathroom to cry... Or that's the only ways I've figure out how to get myself off that emotional peak.
So my question is... how do I get over this? I know it would probably help to know the details, but I don't really want to make those public. I guess, my question is how do I bring myself down? Or help me get over it before I'm even in the situation?
I can tell you that the mere thought of thinking about it can get my pretty emotional. It doesn't make sense. I guess that I just have really strong feelings... and while in my head I'm telling myself it's stupid to feel that way my body cannot get on board with my head. I don't want it to happen anymore and I'm pretty annoyed by it all... I feel stupid and I feel like eventually someone will call me out on it (which won't make it any better!) I'm not saying that I need to completely get over these feelings - I just need to not be so emotional about it at the drop of a hat.
I plan on asking my counselor about it... but thought I would put it out here too. It's something that I need and want to get over... it's something that's so stupid I hate even bringing it up. I just want to figure out a way to be okay with it and not break into tears...
You try to logic your way out of it - this doesn't make sense, why are you upset... the only real way is to try to tactifully get around it (not make it obvious), maybe go to the bathroom to cry... Or that's the only ways I've figure out how to get myself off that emotional peak.
So my question is... how do I get over this? I know it would probably help to know the details, but I don't really want to make those public. I guess, my question is how do I bring myself down? Or help me get over it before I'm even in the situation?
I can tell you that the mere thought of thinking about it can get my pretty emotional. It doesn't make sense. I guess that I just have really strong feelings... and while in my head I'm telling myself it's stupid to feel that way my body cannot get on board with my head. I don't want it to happen anymore and I'm pretty annoyed by it all... I feel stupid and I feel like eventually someone will call me out on it (which won't make it any better!) I'm not saying that I need to completely get over these feelings - I just need to not be so emotional about it at the drop of a hat.
I plan on asking my counselor about it... but thought I would put it out here too. It's something that I need and want to get over... it's something that's so stupid I hate even bringing it up. I just want to figure out a way to be okay with it and not break into tears...
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