Had to Write it Again

Sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself... and my poor friends and family listening to me complain about the same things over and over... I'm sure they'd rather be doing or hearing about something else.

But here... on this blog... I don't really want to repeat myself, but in this situation I just feel like I have to.  I got really upset and hurt this morning and I need to vent about it.  And it all relates back to his family.

I loved being a part of his family... They really felt like a second family to me.  I wasn't sure I would ever feel that way about another's family, but I did.  They were nice and sweet... took me in... included me and I really felt like they loved me.

Since all of this has gone down I haven't heard a peep from them.  Nothing... and I'm not saying I need to hear that I was right, or that he was wrong... but I would love to hear that we'll miss you.  Or we loved you... or we're sad you'll no longer be part of our family... or something... anything other than the cold shoulder I've gotten.

This has bothered me... but I've put it to the back of my mind... because I'm trying to not think of things that make me overly sad.  But today... today I realized that his brother unfriended me on Facebook... (and only me, stays friends with my cousins, brother and sister).  So, to me, this seems like a harsh move.  It honestly hurts me... a lot.

Some people have argued that his family is just remaining loyal to him... or say that my family hasn't reached out to him... and I get both of those points... however there have been at least 2 people that have reached out to him, and I've gotten a big fat zero... especially when you consider that I'm not the one who brought this on.  I didn't cheat on him... or break up with him unexpectedly for a 'silly' reason. 

I guess it just really hurts me to be cut out of that family so quickly when I thought they loved me.  It's one thing for this all to be happening with him... but it's almost just as hurtful to shunned by them.

It's an awkward place for everyone... I know that... I really really do.  I know this isn't easy on them either... I guess I was just hoping and needing something that I shouldn't have expected to get.  I guess it just makes me feel disposable or something...

NFL Week 3 Picks

New England Patriots vs. Buffalo Bills
San Francisco 49ers vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Miami Dolphins vs. Cleveland Browns
Denver Broncos vs. Tennessee Titans
Detroit Lions vs. Minnesota Vikings
Houston Texans vs. New Orleans Saints
New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Carolina Panthers
New York Jets vs. Oakland Raiders
Baltimore Ravens vs. St. Louis Rams
Kansas City Chiefs vs. San Diego Chargers
Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears
Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks
Atlanta Falcons vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Indianapolis Colts
Washington Redskins vs. Dallas Cowboys

Me
Susan
Both

Here's where we are after week two... I did pretty great last week if I do say so myself :)

Susan: 19 - 13
Jenn: 24 - 8

My fear

What I'm thinking about today... well... I'm really scared and worried that I won't be able to have children.  This fear has been around for awhile, but when I was married it more focused on my ability to get pregnant.  This fear still exists.  I really worry that I will not be able to ever get pregnant or there will be a lot of complications with trying to get pregnant.  I know this is something that I shouldn't worry about... after all I haven't even tried to ever get pregnant, but it's totally in my mind.

Now I worry about having someone to have kids with.  I will suddenly be single again.  I will be back at the beginning with dating people.  I will have to meet someone new that I want to spend time with and be with forever.  I would ideally like to be married.  In my mind I'm trying not to think about all the time it would take to get to that point again... but I do think about it.  I worry that I won't find anyone that I can connect with or that it will take a really long time and by that time I'll be out of my child bearing days... or that it will just be very very difficult to get pregnant.

These are the things that have been on my mind.  Some of these things were already there, but I feel like it's way more complicated now.  I am trying to not think these negative things and focus more on positives and that I am a great catch.  But who knows... in the mean time I really should be more concerned with packing...

Yesterday

Some of you were probably surprised there was no entry yesterday... that was mostly b/c I was fine nearly all of yesterday (hard to believe as it may be)

I was fine... I went to a movie with a friend and then had an eye doctor appointment.  I went to dinner with him (he took me out since I got an A in my class, I don't really need to hear any comments about this) and watched another movie.  And I was fine...

Until I was laying in bed by myself.  I guess it was the first time all day that I really thought about what yesterday should have been.  Yesterday should have been our third wedding anniversary.  Yesterday should have been a happy day that we spent completely together... thinking about our love and excitment for the future... enjoying the commitment we made to each other.

I was laying in bed and thinking about this morning.  I am really truly sad we will not be spending our life together.  I really pictured us growing old together.  Even more than that, I was excited about growing old with him.

I try to think about my new life... with him not being my husband... and I'm sad... I'm sad he won't be by my side in times of happiness and sadness, excitment and tough times.  It's really hard to picture my life without him.  I told him everything... he is/was the person I felt the most comfortable with.  I could totally 100% be myself around him.

I'm terrified to start dating (I know I'm not ready for that at all, so I'm not saying I'm going to do that anytime soon...) I'm not even sure I know how to date.  I feel like it will take a lot of time before I can be myself around anyone like that.  I mean, I don't want to be scaring off anyone.

I look back and think that maybe I had life too easy... I didn't go through the dating hardship that some of my friends have or are still going through.  I met him right when I was graduating college.  We lived together almost immediately.  I never really had to fend for myself out in the real world.

I know this will all make me stronger.  I'm positive it will, but I'm simply terrified I'm not going to get what I want out of life.  I'm scared that I will not meet anyone new that I love as much as I love him.  I'm scared I won't end up being able to have kids like I want.  That 10 years from now I'll be right here where I am.

I know not everything is bad.  I know that I could meet someone that wants the same things out of life.  I know I could meet someone that maybe suits my personality better.  That 3, 5, 10 years from now I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.  But right now, I can't see that very clearly.  I can't even picture myself on a date... or talking romantically with another man.

My friends have been great... they are pumping me up... telling me they know I'll find someone.  And I really want to believe them... I just know I'm feeling a bit hopeless these days.

(This is the moment in the blog where I went from tearing up like crazy to feeling suddenly stronger)

Once I move out, things will probably feel better.  I'll have a better judgement of this new life.  And it's probably good I'm moving back home where I'll be surrounded by people I love and love me.  The next people in my life that I can totally be myself around.

I have a mostly finalized list of what I'm taking with me.  Now begins the process of packing up.  I will be moving out on October 1st.  I guess that means 12 days left in my house.

Let's conclude this on a happier note.  Thank you everyone for the support I've been given.  My friends and family have been so so very amazing.  I've been sad in a couple of these posts about the lack of support from some people... but instead of looking at that, today I'm going say that the support I have been given is amazing.  And I don't know how I would do it without all of you.

NFL Picks - Week 2

Oakland Raiders vs. Buffalo Bills
Kansas City Chiefs vs. Detroit Lions
Baltimore Ravens vs. Tennessee Titans
Cleveland Browns vs. Indianapolis Colts
Tampa Bay Buccanneers vs. Minnesota Vikings
Chicago Bears vs. New Orleans Saints
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New York Jets
Seattle Seahawks vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Arizona Cardinals vs. Washington Redskins
Green Bay Packers vs. Carolina Panthers
Dallas Cowboys vs. San Francisco 49ers
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Denver Broncos
Houston Texans vs. Miami Dolphins
San Diego Chargers vs. New England Patriots
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Atlanta Falcons
St. Louis Rams vs. New York Giants

Me
Susan
Both

After Week 2...  It's close but Susan currently has the edge

Susan: 11-5
Jenn: 10-6

The More Rational One

Well... my last two entries were kinda... well... crazy.

I guess that's what this situation does to you... you just have so many emotions running around... one minute you can be so so sad... and then that turns to anger which turns to relief which turns to a bit happy which turns back to anger.  It's like seriously an emotional roller coaster if I've ever been on one before.

Some of the things I said in my last post weren't the most fair.  I know that it was a little insane... but I do want to be honest with myself.  I don't want to sugar coat what I'm feeling and I do want to represent the true journey I'm taking.

He hasn't been all that mean to me... yes... mean things happen, and of course we are mad and sad with one another.  I feel like a lot of his decisions are rash and immature... but he's hurting to.  This I know... b/c we I can finally see him, I see it in his eyes.

We saw each other for the first time in a week last night.  Parts of it were rough... like all the anger I had about Monday and other random things that were bothering me... a lot of it was sad... but at the same time we were able to share some normal conversations.  Maybe it sounds silly... but it's nice to feel normal.

We have really been able to work things out ourself... we aren't getting nasty and have been friendly.  I do hope to come out of this with him still my friend, but I do know that might not be possible.  And if we do stay friends, we'll never have a friendship like we did when we were married.

This is just a very tough situation... one I never expected to find myself in.  Some of the things he is doing makes it harder for me.  So my motto for a lot of this is do it whatever way until that just isn't working anymore.  No expectations... no manupulating the situation to accomplish what I want... none of that... just try to go with the flow and figure out situations as they come.

Feeling Crazy

Like I said in my last post, I just want to use the blog as an outlet for things I'm really feeling.  I know that some of this stuff sounds crazy... but I don't care... I want to say what I feel...

I am sad once again today.  Last night was a lot rougher than I expected it to be.  Part of me really feels like he shouldn't be getting any support for this.  People should not be telling him this is the right decision.  People should stop being his friends b/c he obviously f-ing up so badly.  I mean, isn't it obvious to anyone else?

Why is he putting me through this... why is he allowed to go out and have fun on his birthday... he shouldn't... he shouldn't be having fun, he should be crying and realizing that he no longer gets me in his life and he should be fighting to get me back.

Yesterday was tough... last night when he wasn't there when I got home.  I decided to text him happy birthday, b/c well... I thought it was the right thing to do... and he responded with Thx... three effing letters.  That's all I get... you can't even type out the whole effing word??  The peeved me off.

But really I'm sad... I am sad... I'm sad I wasn't a part of it, that I never will get to be again.  I'm sad at the lack of support I so hoped from some people.  I know it puts some people in a tough spot... but a single text or comment would mean so much to me.  Acknowledging that I'm going through a rough time.

And he's been avoiding me... actively avoiding me.  It's makes me feel like I'm the problem.  Like he can't stand the look of me or something.  I know he's just being dumb, and just yesterday I was priding myself on the fact that I wasn't changing my routine just so I didn't have to see him and how immature that it was that he was doing that.

He's just so dumb... so immature... so rash in all these decisions.  My mom said something that really made sense yesterday.  I was telling her about how I was upset that he went and deleted all my friends and family from his Facebook page... and how I thought it was too quick and if we were really going to stay friendly (which he wants) that he shouldn't have done something so stupid so quickly, that other people can decide if they want to stay his friend, he shouldn't have to make that decision for everyone.  And she said that he is acting out of fear and he was pulling the plug before the plug could get pulled on him.  And she's right, he's pulling the plug on this marriage, on our friends, on our whole life together.

He wants to act all high and mightly like he's doing me a favor or something... but he's not... he's not doing me a favor...

Rough Day

Today has been rough thus far... and it's not even 9am yet...

Yesterday I decided to come out on Facebook... while some friends and family were supportive, I really thought it would generate more comments than it did... maybe people don't know what to say, but I guess I was hoping for more...

I told a close co-worker today.  I got the first question of how is he doing... I held it together... but it's really hard when people say, well maybe he'll change his mind... I know that's not going to happen... and it breaks my heart to tell it to other people.  I know they are trying to say something nice, but it's just not what I want to hear right now.

Today is his birthday... that of course makes it hard.  I mean I guess I'm glad that it's not MY birthday... but still.  Tonight he's suppose to be going out with friends and his mom and it just makes me sad that I'm not a part of it.  I'm not a part of his life going forward.  I don't get to be included and I don't get to share.  This is probably the hardest thing.  Just not being a part of his life and his family.

I love his family... they took me in, they made me feel loved, and I still want to be a part of it.  After all this was going down, I really hoped one of them would reach out to me.  Tell me something uplifting or at least make me feel like they wish it didn't have to be this way.  I know they are probably just supporting him... but I really thought I'd get something... and nothing.  I know it shouldn't discount anything I've felt or their feelings towards me... I know they are in a tough spot too... but I guess (and still hope) that I'll got something.

Going along with that, I also hoped some of his friends would reach out to me too... say they still wanted to be my friend... or at least show support about what I'm going through... but nothing on that front either.

I know... pity party of one here... but just whats on my mind, and I told myself in the beginning of this that I would be honest and open, at least on this blog. 

I am getting a lot of support from my family and my friends... and I don't want to discount any of that on here... the daily texts from friends, the card I received, the uplifting comments on here and on FB really mean a lot to me.

I hoping after I put out these sad feelings that I can move on with my day more positively.  Keep a smile on my face and keep on keeping on.  We'll see if that works or not.  Today will be hard... this next weekend will be hard...

Where were you?

It's been 10 whole years since 9/11/01 happened.  10 years.

It's an event that changed the nation and our lives.

I was a senior in high school and in Mr. Ander's Film and Lit class.  I don't remember what movie we were actually watching.  They came over the PA system and told us about the attack.  I think I remember thinking why are they telling us about this, it was obviously just an accident.

It wasn't until the next class (don't remember what it was) that we actually turned on the TV and saw what was happening.  From that moment on we watched TV in every class.  We did actually have a senior meeting during the day too.

That was quite a day... it was like you couldn't watch enough coverage.  That night I was hoping my work would close... I worked at the library.  But they didn't and I went to work.  I remember it not being a super busy night.

What a day that I will probably never ever forget.

Not Sure Why

I have told most of my friends (who are my friends first) and thanks to my mom and dad - everyone in my family knows the situation...

But past that I haven't really wanted to make it public news.  I know that I will post something on Facebook just b/c it will reach the masses and not involve a million and one phone calls.  It's easier to just say  this is what happened and be done with it.  I would rather not have the repeat the same information again and again and again and again.

But I'm not sure why I just haven't announced it on FB yet... not that I don't believe it, but something just doesn't feel right about it.  I guess that it's okay to wait until it does feel right... right?  I shouldn't rush into putting something out there I'm not ready to say right? 

I'm hoping in the next week something just feels right.  I'm not going to force myself and he isn't forcing me into saying anything either.

Thankfully I can say my full, true feelings about this... thank you for reading and blog... thank you for existing.

In other news... I'm headed to a low-key girls night tonight and am so excited... actually I better go get ready I have to be there in like 20 minutes (she lives just 5 minutes away)

Checking In

I'm honestly not sure I have much to say... well, I have a lot to say and nothing to say at all.

I'm still in awe of this situation so much... everything feels like it's happening really fast and it's hard to wrap my mind around.  But really... so far... I feel like I'm doing... ok.  I get sad... and I'll tear up here and there, but I feel like I'm handling this ok given the circumstances.

Yesterday marked a week... just one week into this whole thing... my mind want to make plans and figure out a plan of life.  How long will I stay at my mom's house?  Where will I live after that?  Should I rent or buy?  How will a decorate my new place?  These are definiatly things I should not be thinking about yet... but my mind thinks about these things because they don't me unhappy... they don't make me happy, but they don't make me sad either.

I have also chosen not to think about moving out.  Everytime I think about all the stuff I need to pack or all the decisions I need to make about what to take my mind feels like it wants to explode.  I need to figure out a way to take it a little bit at a time.  Maybe one room at a time or just write things down when I think of them... who knows, but I'm going to have to really think about those things relatively soon.

I really feel like at some point I might fall apart.  That I'll have a breakdown and cry and cry and be generally pathetic.  I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but I have this feeling I'm in a fair amount of denial about the situation... like I know what's happening, but won't know how hard it is not calling that house home anymore or something.  We'll see if that happens... I know it will get harder before it's easier.

I become sad about the weirdest things.  Like yesterday my friend was telling me a story about a New Year's Eve a few years ago... and it made me think about our low-key New Year's Eves of years past.  It's these little things.  I know I just have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time... one moment at a time... and I'll get there... but I'm sad about the fact we'll no longer be together.  I love him and I so desperately want things to be different.

I haven't told anyone at work, except my close friends.  I'm really dreading someone casually asking how he's doing... I'm scared I'm going to breakdown and cry or have to say what happened or whatever.  I know I can just answer fine or whatever... but at some point people need to know, how to tell them... well, I haven't figured that out.

I haven't figured a lot of things out, but I figure I'll just make the decisions when they feel right and when they make sense.  As much as I want to plan, plan, plan I need to take a step back and just trust that things will happen in time and I'll know the right path when I get there.

Again... thank you friends and family who are supporting me and keeping me looking forward.  I feel like I'd be in a much worse spot without you.  I will get through this and it will be in big part because of you.  Thank you for the comments I've received on this blog.  It's nice hearing your kind words.

NFL Picks - Week 1

UPDATE:  I have a competitor - Susan has decided to join... anyone else in internet land wanting to jump on board?  I'll give the winner a trophy.

Let's see if I can better my record from last year... no competition this year unless anyone wants to join and make it interesting.

New Orleans Saints vs. Green Bay Packers
Atlanta Falcons vs. Chicago Bears
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns
Buffalo Bills vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Philadelphia Eagles vs. St. Louis Rams
Detroit Lions vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tenneessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals
Minnesota Vikings vs. San Diego Chargers
Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers
New York Giants vs. Washington Redskins
Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Jets
New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins
Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Broncos

Me
Susan
Both

What Happened

I think I may be ready to put out there what happened.  I have told a lot of my friends (who are my friends first...) and my family all knows. 

Last Wednesday around 4:30 (it's funny how these will be the things that will live vividly in my mind, possibly forever.) he texted me that we needed to talk.  I asked about what and he said to just call after I got off work.  When I called after I got home from work he asked me to come have dinner with him because what he had to say should be done in person.  I told him no, that he needed to tell me now... and then he dropped the bomb... he doesn't want to have kids... ever.

I seriously cannot believe that he would drop something like this over the phone, while at work.  I mean don't you think that should be something he should say in person?!?

I want to have kids, I've never kept this a secret from him.  I know that when I look back on my life I want kids in it... or at the very very least the possibly of kids.

We've talked about this before and he knew that saying those words would essentially end our relationship... I want kids.  The weird thing, is he pretty much told me told me that and that our relationship was over.  We both knew...

He has been telling me this entire time we could have kids.  We had even talked recently about trying at the end of next year when I was finished with school and we had paid down some debt.  I didn't see this new turn of events at all.  He led me on (which he admits)

I am so heart broken and sad and devastated and sad.  I just can't believe this is the new reality.  I can't believe it's over.  I asked him to try to go to counseling or take some time apart before we jump to any rash decisions... but he won't do it.  He refuses to go to counseling.

He made this decision on his own, didn't include me in it at all... it's what he does sometimes... just thinks about himself and does things on his terms.  I just can't believe he's throwing this whole marriage away in such a short time.  I mean... he's ready to jump to divorce... already. 

My friends and family have been great.  I am so thankful for them.  Not everyone knows yet, like people that are friends with both of us.  I'm not sure how telling them will go.

I feel like this post doesn't capture the fullness of the situation... the fullness of what I'm feeling... everyone I've told is in shock and speechless... as am I.  I just don't understand why this is happening... and the quickness it's happening at I just can't comprehend...

I will be moving out... not exactly sure when, but I will be moving back home for awhile.  I'll be able to save some money and pay off some debt.  We've talk about splitting up the bills and such.  I can't believe a week ago everything was fine and now I have to think about packing and moving out of my home.

I think that's all I can write for now...

Another Day

I'm feeling like these short posts might be helping.  Who knows if they actually are...

Thus far today has been a better day... I haven't broken down and cried yet today... I mean, that's not to say it won't happen.

We talked today... I was worried that it could turn heated, but it was all civil and I feel like we came to some good decisions.

I think I'm really numb right now... and I think I'm in a fair amount of denial.  I was telling my friend that I thought I was... and she told me something that made sense... that it's okay to be in denial... why sit there and think about the whole weight of the situation as long as you're doing the things you need to do.

I will say I have this weight in my chest... it's like I can't get a full breath... I have to really concentrate and breathe deeply in order to get a fully breath...

My friend is going to help me find a counselor... so I'm going to make an appointment that that sometime to this week... Hopefully that will help things...

My friends have really come through for me... and I imagine they will continue to do so.  It's so hard for me to ask for help sometimes or tell them that I need to be around them.  I know I need to use this at this time... help me, be around me, just help me feel normal.

Thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it... I need it

This Morning

This morning was really tough... I actually thought I was doing okay... I mean the crying had subsided a bit... but this morning... it came on like a wave like no other.  I cried, sobbed, hyperventilated, and cried some more.

I don't know what it was about this morning... I had looked on Facebook only to see happy posts from happy people living lives they haven't been completely turned upside-down.  At one point this morning I looked into the mirror... I really looked at myself in the mirror... I don't think I've looked at myself since Wednesday... I'm not sure what looking at myself has anything to do with anything... but I broke down.

I also was about to get in the shower and I just crumbled... I crumbled to the floor and sobbed... it was like I just couldn't stand... I wanted to lay on the floor... but I forced myself to get up.

After those to two breakdowns I just wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it to work... but I forced myself.  I made myself get in the shower, I made myself get dressed and I made myself go to work. 

And you know what?  After all that crying and worrying... I was fine.  I lived. I survived.  I made it through the day.  I got better.  I can do this... I can do this... I CAN DO THIS.

I will be brave... I will survive and I will come out of this a better more competent person.

I'm going to have more morning like this... and I know it's going to be awhile before I'm okay... but I will get there... time heals all wounds...  so where's the fast forward button?

Sad

I am sad... I am only about 24 hours into this new reality and I am so sad.  I don't even know how much more pain, hurt, and sadness is around the corner... I won't know until I get there.

I don't know where my life is going to go from here... it's going to be completely different than it's been... and that's so so scary.  I have no clue how things will turn out.  I'm back at square one.

All I know is as of yesterday my whole life changed.  My heart is broken and life as I knew it is crumbling before my very eyes.

I know I will be okay, and this just wasn't the life path for me... but it's sad... so very very sad.  Life as I pictured it will not happen. 

I'm sad about so many things... the things I'm losing... its effect on other people... losing my best friend.

I would have never pictured myself in this situation... never... but here I am.  It's the reality that I'm faced with and I have no other choice than to stand up for myself and deal with it.  Find a way to make myself happy... rely on my amazing friends and family.

One moment everything is fine and the next... well... you don't know what tomorrow holds...

But losing my best friend... that's the worst... the absolute worst...

**I know this post might not make sense to most people right now... but I'll give details when I'm ready... I'm not ready yet and I'm not sure when I will be.