Like I said in my last post, I just want to use the blog as an outlet for things I'm really feeling. I know that some of this stuff sounds crazy... but I don't care... I want to say what I feel...
I am sad once again today. Last night was a lot rougher than I expected it to be. Part of me really feels like he shouldn't be getting any support for this. People should not be telling him this is the right decision. People should stop being his friends b/c he obviously f-ing up so badly. I mean, isn't it obvious to anyone else?
Why is he putting me through this... why is he allowed to go out and have fun on his birthday... he shouldn't... he shouldn't be having fun, he should be crying and realizing that he no longer gets me in his life and he should be fighting to get me back.
Yesterday was tough... last night when he wasn't there when I got home. I decided to text him happy birthday, b/c well... I thought it was the right thing to do... and he responded with Thx... three effing letters. That's all I get... you can't even type out the whole effing word?? The peeved me off.
But really I'm sad... I am sad... I'm sad I wasn't a part of it, that I never will get to be again. I'm sad at the lack of support I so hoped from some people. I know it puts some people in a tough spot... but a single text or comment would mean so much to me. Acknowledging that I'm going through a rough time.
And he's been avoiding me... actively avoiding me. It's makes me feel like I'm the problem. Like he can't stand the look of me or something. I know he's just being dumb, and just yesterday I was priding myself on the fact that I wasn't changing my routine just so I didn't have to see him and how immature that it was that he was doing that.
He's just so dumb... so immature... so rash in all these decisions. My mom said something that really made sense yesterday. I was telling her about how I was upset that he went and deleted all my friends and family from his Facebook page... and how I thought it was too quick and if we were really going to stay friendly (which he wants) that he shouldn't have done something so stupid so quickly, that other people can decide if they want to stay his friend, he shouldn't have to make that decision for everyone. And she said that he is acting out of fear and he was pulling the plug before the plug could get pulled on him. And she's right, he's pulling the plug on this marriage, on our friends, on our whole life together.
He wants to act all high and mightly like he's doing me a favor or something... but he's not... he's not doing me a favor...
3 comments:
My thoughts exactly. I am still praying for you sweetie. I look forward to our lunch next Sunday. I am here for you if you ever need to vent. You are in my thougts everyday.
Amanda
I think all of this is his decision but he is trying to put it on you. You don't know what he telling his family and friends. I think you will feel better when you get out of that house. Maybe then you will gain acceptance. Acceptance that a new chapter in your life is beginning.
I know it's hard and since I obviously don't *know* either of you it's easier for me to say this...I'm sure his supporters think he did make the right decision. If he really feels the way he says he does, it takes guts to end a marriage. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you...but to keep leading you on would just keep hurting you. I totally get what you're saying. Trying to imagine myself in your situation...I feel like these would be my exact feelings. =-) I hope each day gets a little easier for you.
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