Rough Day

Today has been rough thus far... and it's not even 9am yet...

Yesterday I decided to come out on Facebook... while some friends and family were supportive, I really thought it would generate more comments than it did... maybe people don't know what to say, but I guess I was hoping for more...

I told a close co-worker today.  I got the first question of how is he doing... I held it together... but it's really hard when people say, well maybe he'll change his mind... I know that's not going to happen... and it breaks my heart to tell it to other people.  I know they are trying to say something nice, but it's just not what I want to hear right now.

Today is his birthday... that of course makes it hard.  I mean I guess I'm glad that it's not MY birthday... but still.  Tonight he's suppose to be going out with friends and his mom and it just makes me sad that I'm not a part of it.  I'm not a part of his life going forward.  I don't get to be included and I don't get to share.  This is probably the hardest thing.  Just not being a part of his life and his family.

I love his family... they took me in, they made me feel loved, and I still want to be a part of it.  After all this was going down, I really hoped one of them would reach out to me.  Tell me something uplifting or at least make me feel like they wish it didn't have to be this way.  I know they are probably just supporting him... but I really thought I'd get something... and nothing.  I know it shouldn't discount anything I've felt or their feelings towards me... I know they are in a tough spot too... but I guess (and still hope) that I'll got something.

Going along with that, I also hoped some of his friends would reach out to me too... say they still wanted to be my friend... or at least show support about what I'm going through... but nothing on that front either.

I know... pity party of one here... but just whats on my mind, and I told myself in the beginning of this that I would be honest and open, at least on this blog. 

I am getting a lot of support from my family and my friends... and I don't want to discount any of that on here... the daily texts from friends, the card I received, the uplifting comments on here and on FB really mean a lot to me.

I hoping after I put out these sad feelings that I can move on with my day more positively.  Keep a smile on my face and keep on keeping on.  We'll see if that works or not.  Today will be hard... this next weekend will be hard...