Yesterday

Some of you were probably surprised there was no entry yesterday... that was mostly b/c I was fine nearly all of yesterday (hard to believe as it may be)

I was fine... I went to a movie with a friend and then had an eye doctor appointment.  I went to dinner with him (he took me out since I got an A in my class, I don't really need to hear any comments about this) and watched another movie.  And I was fine...

Until I was laying in bed by myself.  I guess it was the first time all day that I really thought about what yesterday should have been.  Yesterday should have been our third wedding anniversary.  Yesterday should have been a happy day that we spent completely together... thinking about our love and excitment for the future... enjoying the commitment we made to each other.

I was laying in bed and thinking about this morning.  I am really truly sad we will not be spending our life together.  I really pictured us growing old together.  Even more than that, I was excited about growing old with him.

I try to think about my new life... with him not being my husband... and I'm sad... I'm sad he won't be by my side in times of happiness and sadness, excitment and tough times.  It's really hard to picture my life without him.  I told him everything... he is/was the person I felt the most comfortable with.  I could totally 100% be myself around him.

I'm terrified to start dating (I know I'm not ready for that at all, so I'm not saying I'm going to do that anytime soon...) I'm not even sure I know how to date.  I feel like it will take a lot of time before I can be myself around anyone like that.  I mean, I don't want to be scaring off anyone.

I look back and think that maybe I had life too easy... I didn't go through the dating hardship that some of my friends have or are still going through.  I met him right when I was graduating college.  We lived together almost immediately.  I never really had to fend for myself out in the real world.

I know this will all make me stronger.  I'm positive it will, but I'm simply terrified I'm not going to get what I want out of life.  I'm scared that I will not meet anyone new that I love as much as I love him.  I'm scared I won't end up being able to have kids like I want.  That 10 years from now I'll be right here where I am.

I know not everything is bad.  I know that I could meet someone that wants the same things out of life.  I know I could meet someone that maybe suits my personality better.  That 3, 5, 10 years from now I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.  But right now, I can't see that very clearly.  I can't even picture myself on a date... or talking romantically with another man.

My friends have been great... they are pumping me up... telling me they know I'll find someone.  And I really want to believe them... I just know I'm feeling a bit hopeless these days.

(This is the moment in the blog where I went from tearing up like crazy to feeling suddenly stronger)

Once I move out, things will probably feel better.  I'll have a better judgement of this new life.  And it's probably good I'm moving back home where I'll be surrounded by people I love and love me.  The next people in my life that I can totally be myself around.

I have a mostly finalized list of what I'm taking with me.  Now begins the process of packing up.  I will be moving out on October 1st.  I guess that means 12 days left in my house.

Let's conclude this on a happier note.  Thank you everyone for the support I've been given.  My friends and family have been so so very amazing.  I've been sad in a couple of these posts about the lack of support from some people... but instead of looking at that, today I'm going say that the support I have been given is amazing.  And I don't know how I would do it without all of you.