Here we are again... I promised a happier post and here I am starting a brand new whiney, woe-is-me post. I'm going to be real... I've been having a rough time lately. I'm not sure why, but I am. I've been feeling more sad lately, crying randomly, and just really sensitive... I hate it. I have really tried to stay positive and hope this is just passing... and honestly I'm still clinging to that hope... I don't like to be sad, I don't like to be negative, and I don't like being overly sensitive... but it seems like everything is getting to me lately.
While it is true that I'm not wallowing in self-despare 100% of the time. I can still be happy and positive and have a good time at times... I've been feeling the negative feelings more than I really want to admit. I can't even really tell you what makes me sad or start feeling negative. Sometimes I will be driving along and have this fleeting thought... and just start to tear up. It might be related to him or the situation or a friend... it could be any of these things... Like on Monday, I was merely thinking about having to tell the doctor about this situation and I started to cry or I'll think about my previous life and be sad.
If I'm being honest... I'm starting to worry if this is normal. I'm starting to worry that I'm moving backward and not forward. I'm starting to worry I'm not in as good a place as people think... or that even I want to believe. What if I'm just kidding myself and I've got a problem that I don't want to admit... I don't know what's normal... but I think I feel sad more than people realize. Shoot... when people talk to me about the situation or ask me questions I get teary eyed.
And honestly, I really haven't felt the desire to talk to anyone about this situation. I know tons of people would be there to listen and not judge... trust me, I know that you are there. It's just that, I don't really feel like I have much to say. I don't really know what I want to talk about... or if I have anything that I really need to say... does that make any sense.
I feel silly even writing this post (mostly b/c I was sadder when I started writing it than I do feel now...) I guess that writing stuff out helps me a lot. There have been some things lately, as I've mentioned, that I don't really feel comfortable sharing. Mostly, I don't want to commit certain things to writing because I don't want to hurt feelings or complain about people that are my friends and family... if those things really need to be written about I should write them elsewhere, not in this public arena.
Geez... I just feel like a mess sometimes... I just so desperately want to be ok. I don't want to cry, I don't want feel sad or sensitive. Speaking of the sensitive... things people say I'm just getting more emotional about than I should... or quite honestly taking it out of context and relating it to other parts of my life, including the past relationship when I shouldn't do it at all.
When I'm thinking logically and my mind/body isn't clouded with emotions I can say this. While, this divorce sucks royally - I think in a lot of ways I'm better off. He had some childhood issues he didn't want to work out, finanically we should have been better, he was selfish in a lot of ways, and looking back I think all of these things effected me more than I wanted to admit at the time. The chance to start all over, is actually kind of exciting...
I wonder if I'm letting myself to get emotional and feel sorry for myself in this weird limbo period. I have said (if I said it on this blog, I cannot remember) but it doesn't feel right to me to actively look for dates while I'm still technically married. Which kind of means, I'm just holding off on that aspect until I'm divorced. Maybe these emotions are also tied to this... I'm not sure. I talked (well, I tried to call, but he just texted back... figures) to him last night about a good option to get the ball rolling. I don't find it 100% ideal (as it would still be part of my money and I don't think I should have to pay) but I do think it's a good option to get this behind me... and I'm starting to think that's more important now.
Final Thoughts: I felt surprisingly better throughtout the month of November when I was 'forcing' myself to write each day. Maybe I should do that again... it was hard to find something to write about each and every day... but if it helps my mental health state because I do make myself write (both good and bad) I should consider it. Something to think about!
1 comment:
my sense is that you're being hard on your friends. you've said it over and over that YOU don't know what YOU want/need. how can your friends know? it took me a lot of life and a lot of heartache to learn that people can't read your mind. you have to say what you need. you have to be kinder to people. you have to appreciate friends and family for what they are. this time in your life sucks, but it is what it is. you'll end up stronger and wiser if you allow yourself to feel the pain and grown from it. your friends can help, sure, but it comes from time and work and within yourself. i'm not being critical. i'm sharing what i've learned in a life with similar heartache and a similar feeling that i want people to cherish me. its not until you believe and cherish yourself that you find real peace. it took me so long to learn the lesson and i hope for you that you learn quicker and with fewer mistakes than i did. i know you write this for YOU. but if that were the total reason, it would be a private blog, not one open to other people. so, you're also writing this to get a message out. which is fine. but don't mistake the power of your words, especially when you're writing about other people. don't throw your friends under the bus, so to speak. it can be viewed as a passive aggressive type of thing. you might not like something but then you have to not like the SOMETHING, not the person. you have to be upfront with your needs. your friends WANT to help, but its confusing to be pushed away. i'm not saying this based on any particular sentences in your blogs. i'm saying this based on the ways of true and honest communication that i've begrudgingly learned in weekly 12 step meetings. the only person you can change is YOURSELF. be the person you want others to be/see. get your satisfaction, love and acceptance from within. the rest will come. that's ONE thing i can promise you from life. YOU be the best YOU you can be and you'll have the best life you can have. love yourself; love your friends; let your friends love you. expectations breed disaster, even under the best of circumstances. accept the things you can't change; change the things you can; be wise and know the difference. i heard that saying through my life, but its only been in the past 4 yrs that life brought me to a place to KNOW that saying. it will give you peace; it will give your serenity. i've gone on too long, but i'm hurting for you and i love you and you're a beautiful person, but you can let yourself fall into thoughts that just aren't helpful to your circumstance or your life. do NOT be a victim. you're better than that. peace my dear....kisses and a big old hug!
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