I haven't written in awhile and I've thoroughly missed it. After writing everyday for 30 days, it felt weird not writing for the past week. I guess that I built sort of a habit in that month, which isn't a bad thing. I've really wanted to write, but I've also felt like I really don't have much to say.
I have fleeting thoughts a lot... thought about this divorce and other things. None of them have really felt worth committing to writing. In general, I feel sad sometimes, and I still cry from time-to-time, often very randomly. For the most part I feel really ok. I am ready to get the actual legal divorce ball rolling but I'm ok with the fact it won't happen until next year. I still think that he should pay for more of it than me. I have been giving that some thought lately. Basically, he was the one who changed his mind, he was the one who initiated all of this, and the more I think about it, he is the one gaining a majority of the assets. At this point I believe he should pay for most if not all of it. However, we have not discussed that... and there is the possibility if I wait for that to happen, it might be a very long time before we are divorced.
Like I said, I'm feeling ok. I'm just ready for the next step. I'm like really ready to be completely ok. And by that I mean, I'm ready to be ready to date and get back out there. This divorce not happening fast has given me a bit of a cooling period. It forces me to wait. I'm not saying that I couldn't start dating, but I certainly could, but I feel like it's very wrong to online date or put myself way out there when I'm still technically married. If something were to randomly happen naturally, that's a different story, but I'm not ready to actively be looking until I am not married anymore.
I feel the need to reiterate (only because one of my friends thought I was saying something different) I know that right now I am not ready, regardless of the divorce or not. I just am not there emotionally and I totally recognize that. I don't think I need to fully be there, but I need to be a heck of a lot closer before I'm ready to be hanging out even remotely romantically with guys. I am not trying to force myself to be ready, or put some sort of time limit on feelings (i.e. I will start dating in 6 months). I am ok with where I am right now. I feel like I've got a fairly level head about this right now. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me. After all, my motto through this is 'until it stops working.'
Anyway... in somewhat related news HIMYM has been relevant to what's going on in a way. I started watching old episode sometime last year and now I'm watching new episodes (BTW, one of my favorite shows on TV). This season has had the incredibly relevant babies topic. With Barney changing his mind about wanting kids and Robin not wanting kids, then finding out she can't have them, only be be sad about it... it's just been relevant. Surprisingly, this hasn't made me feel sad or bothered really... just pensive?
One final thing... I watched the entire first season of Survivor on You Tube in the last week or so. I thought I would looking back, and thus far it's been great. That first season of Survivor is unreal when you compare it to current day. I mean, that first season they were all mad at Richard Hatch because he formed an alliance, and alliances are horrible, horrible things. Compared to these days, when the alliances start forming after an hour on the island... just funny. I remember watching that show and hating Richard... now that I'm much more of a fan, I can respect that a lot more. I'm looking forward to watching the other seasons too.
And on that note... I'm finished with this entry.
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