The Sadder One

I promise to do the happier Christmas post soon, but right now there are a few things that I'd really like to get off my mind.

Overall, Christmas was a lot of fun and really really great - especially on Christmas Day (really, I promise to tell you all about it later...) but even after that wonderful day when I got into bed for the night I started to feel really sad and I started to miss him... a lot.  I guess it has to do with this time of year we spend with family and he was a part of that.  I missed being able to talk to him and see him and be with him.  I missed finding a good gift for him and I missed experiencing Christmas together... I missed him.

So many times everything is so great and I'm having a truly wonderful time and then I just get this overwhelming flash of sadness... and honestly, I hate it.  Why can't I just enjoy the good?? Amerce myself completely and hold onto those good feelings... why must I get sad?

I know some people wonder why I don't talk to them about these feelings... and really, I just don't want to.  I don't really feel like telling anyone... there really isn't much anyone can say that I haven't already heard or I really need to hear.  I guess I like to deal with these things myself... sure there are things that I do want to talk to people about, but these I'm sad randomly feelings... I would rather just forget.  Now why would I choose to blog about them?  Well, that would be a good question.  I need to get them out someway.  I might not want to talk to someone about them, but I like to deal with these feelings somehow... and this blog works very well for me.  I feel like some of the things I write about people get upset that I don't just tell them straight out... I would really hope that people are beginning to understand how I need to deal with things.  That I'm not telling you because I don't like you or want to talk to you, but this is the way that I have chosen to deal with things.  This is the way that makes me feel better... and I'm sorry if that's a bit selfish, but I need to do some things for myself and this is one of them.  I have considered not writing these things publicly anymore.  I'm not sure what the difference is publicly vs. personally... I could write these feelings privately and write a lot more honestly about things that are bothering me... including things that might just be really hurtful... right now I like the public arena... someone said I'm just looking for comments... but frankly I don't really get many of them, so whatever to that.

I guess it's just that time of year that things are going to be sad.  I knew that, but I still didn't expect it to be this strong.  I know that Sunday, my final Christmas celebration, is going to be tougher than the rest... I'm slightly dreading it because of that.  I wish I could just force myself to be happy... wouldn't that be nice?  Maybe I'm making it out to be a lot worse than it actually is - I really hope that's the case... I will just say it's going to suck when I'm the only one not coupled up - regardless of how nice, friendly, not all coupley everyone is - I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me.

I have been thinking recently about getting back out there... going on a date or signing up for an online dating site (free, not paying yet...).  I've had some very mixed feelings about stuff.  I do have a hard time with still technically being married while actively looking for a date... but I'm beginning to think it might be the right next move.  Maybe I don't have to meet anyone right away, but I can talk to a boy and see how things go... I'm not sure.  I've been thinking about it a lot more recently.  I'm thinking that I won't be actually divorced until March or April (at the earliest).  Do I really want to wait that long?  Should I wait until the divorce ball is rolling full on?  Should I instead have friends set me up?  I'm just thinking that it would be something different, and that's not a bad thing. Hmm... something to consider for sure.

Another things that's been on my mind is this friend of mine.  Her and I were super close 3-5 years ago.  She was the maid of honor in my wedding.  But since we've fallen out of touch.  I tried super hard to stay friends with her.  I would call, text, email, snail mail, visit, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal to try to make the friendship work... and I didn't get that effort from her at all... (of course this is making a long story short...)  Last year she tried to get into touch with me again, and I tried again... I told her to call me that weekend and no call ever came.  Yesterday I received a Christmas card from her.  I'm paraphrasing, but call me, my life has drastically changed for the better, miss and love you.... Of course it was addressed to him and me because she doesn't know about the divorce, which also stung... I don't really know what to do about it.  She was my best friend for a long time, but she also wasn't a good friend... and looking back even at the time she wasn't the greatest.  I've put so much effort into things that I feel tapped out in that area... I don't really want to go through all of it again.  But then I look at it from another angle.  A few of my friendships had fallen apart for one reason or another and I forgave or asked them to forgive me and now I have great friendships with them again... I can think of at least three examples of this.  From my caring side, I hate for someone to put out the effort and me be mean just because I'm mad about the past.  Do I really want hate in my life like that?  So I really don't know what I'm going to do... what I should do... what I want to do... I know what some other's opinions are in the matter, but whatever I decide to do, I need to make sure I'm ok with it, not anyone else.

Decisions, Decisions