Anxiety

I have it.

I'm not really sure what I wanted to say in this post... but it's something that I've thought about writing about for awhile... but wasn't sure what exactly I want to say.  I know that a lot of people deal with anxiety in varying degrees... it seems like everyone has a story or knows someone.

I am one of those someones... and I deal with anxiety.  I feel like I have dealt with it for a long time... social situations have always made me a bit nervous.  I knew this in school (both high school and college)... I didn't/don't like to raise my hand or answer questions... or even ask questions in some situations.  It's one of those things that I need to grow comfortable in order to be myself in a big social situation.

I always thought this was normal... that I was on the shy side... and honestly that's probably part of it.  But I would get nervous about ice breakers... like ones where you simply have to say your name and where you're from.  The entire time I have to wait for my turn the nerve build up and up and up... and I know what my name is... and I know where I'm from... it's just annoying.

The biggest place you can see my anxiety is my inability to call people.  I do not like to talk on the phone... I do not like making phone calls.  I have had this fear as long as I can remember.  Stupid irrational fear that makes about zero sense in my head however my body FREAKS OUT when I have to make a phone call... I honestly feel pretty stupid about it.

Over time I have been able to live with this anxiety.  I had my coping mechanisms... that either was push what I didn't like to do off on other people (especially when I was married) or just force myself through it... this worked for awhile.

About six months ago something changed...  I think I was going through a bit of a rough time dealing with some fighting with the boyfriend, an issue with a good friend and thinking I had to rehome my cats.  I guess I just didn't have time to cool down in between these incidents and my body FREAKED OUT.  I was anxious day in and day out... I was exhausted from my heart pounding all day long.  But when it came time to sleep at night I couldn't... it was difficult and I finally reached the point that I knew I needed to do something about it.

I ended up going to the doctor and starting some medication.  I know that some people have different thoughts about medication in these incidents... and I'm not sure what the right way of doing things is... but I've been on this medication for about six months and I feel so much better.

I still have anxiety... for instance I had to call the doctor's office and change an appointment and ask about a prescription... honest I sat here for awhile freaking out about it and coming up with tons of reasons to put off that call awhile longer... but finally just made myself do it.

I hate that this kind of stuff hinders myself and my life... I could go into many other examples of how I deal with it on a daily basis.  But I'm still fairly embarrassed by how I let it control my life sometimes, but the medication does help... and I've noticed that.

I have learned there a couple of different kinds of anxiety and I do think I have social anxiety (which I hinted at the beginning of the entry)  It's social situations that get to me and the phone is linked to that social-ness.  I hope that I continue to get better and find more ways to deal with it.  My doctor mentioned yoga and I have thought about that from time to time (other than my lack of flexibility).  I will say that people that can talk to people and thrive in social situations really make me jealous... I wish it came that easily to me.

I want to wrap this post up on a happy note... things are better and hopefully I'll continue to improve myself and my ability to be comfortable around people in all sorts of situations.  It's just hard sometimes to differentiate between it being a problem and normal nerves... haha.... I mean what IS normal?  Ugh... that's a question for another time I suppose.  Either way I'm feeling better and I'm happy I made the decision to get help... end of ramble.