Here comes a not happy, chipper entry… not one where I talk about reality TV or little random thing in my life… this one is real and meaningful… I am hurt… there’s no other way to describe the feeling I feel… maybe some others would call it ‘selfish’ or ‘resentment’ or something… but that’s not how I feel… when I look at it openly and honestly the only conclusion I can come to is hurt… as much as I try to get over this and this feeling I can’t… I push it to the back of my brain and move on for daily activities but when it catches my mind again all I can feel is hurt…
After I got engaged Chad and I started to pick who would our attendants. For me this was slightly tough… I had four that were for sure… I had two people that I was choosing between a step-sister, A and a new friend (one I was quickly becoming very close with.) for the last spot (6 bridesmaids to me seemed like too many) I pondered over the two. While I really wanted the friend I knew if I didn’t pick A it might be rough… her and I were never the closest, but in recent years we were becoming closer and if I asked her to be in the wedding then this could be a great opportunity to become even closer. I also wanted her sister in mine (my other step-sister, R) whom I was much closer too and I though it would be weird to have one but not the other. So in end I asking A. I also asked the friend b/c it was my wedding and I should have whoever I wanted regardless of how crazy 6 bridesmaids were. So I added an extra spot in order to make everyone (including myself) happy. I’m very glad I did this.
A got engaged over the summer and when it came to choose bridesmaids I was not chosen. If she had had only a couple of bm’s I would have understood me not being picked… but this isn’t the case. Upon further review I found out that there would be 5 bridesmaids. The last spot (supposedly) came down to me and her friend from high school. I was not the one picked. This eats me up inside b/c it was THE SAME SITUATION and there happens to be two different outcomes. I thought so long and hard about my decision and I feel like I didn’t get the same respect. I know that brides should get to pick whoever they want and just b/c someone is in my wedding does NOT mean I have to be in theirs. I find this situation slightly different b/c its family not a friend. I am hurt… I am very hurt.
I found out about all of this about two weeks before my wedding. I wrote my dad an email and we had a talk about it… it sounds like my other step-sister, R, him, and from what I can understand my step-mom are disappointed in her choice. This does not make me feel any better… The more I think about it I think it’s important to have your family be part of your wedding over friends. Family will always be there… period. Friends come and go… chances are you may not be friends with those people years from now but your family will still be there. After I had the talk with my dad she tried to call me. I guess to explain herself… I did not pick up the call. I wrote her an email the next day saying I didn’t care or want to hear what her excuse was that I wanted to enjoy my wedding b/c that’s the important part. And she granted my wishes.
I don’t want anything to do with this wedding… I barely even want to go… (I know just how awful that sounds but it’s the truth.) I know I have to go… that’s not even the question. But it’s been over a month since all of this happened and I’m just as hurt if not more. I don’t want to go to any of the wedding stuff. I know that I’m going to feel just as hurt (if not even more) when the events come around and I know I’ll feel really bad when the actual wedding comes around. I want to be happy and excited about it all, but I can’t and I don’t foresee me being happy. It sucks that I can’t just get over this feeling but it’s very strong. I’m serious… I REALLY wish I could be happy for her and ask her wedding questions and help out (b/c I’m still in wedding mode) but I’m not going to do it. I really really wish I could be excited.
I am hurt there’s no question about it… the crazy thing in all of this is I knew she wouldn’t choose me, yet b/c I got married before her I was the one who choose first.
How do I get past this? How do I get excited? Is it even possible? I’m probably not going to be fun to be around at whole family things at his house… Thanksgiving and Christmas… is there any ‘happy pill’ I can take?
I am so vindictive sometimes {I edited out what I want to do}… grrr… I do want to be happy but I don’t know how to be not hurt…
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