Checking In

I'm honestly not sure I have much to say... well, I have a lot to say and nothing to say at all.

I'm still in awe of this situation so much... everything feels like it's happening really fast and it's hard to wrap my mind around.  But really... so far... I feel like I'm doing... ok.  I get sad... and I'll tear up here and there, but I feel like I'm handling this ok given the circumstances.

Yesterday marked a week... just one week into this whole thing... my mind want to make plans and figure out a plan of life.  How long will I stay at my mom's house?  Where will I live after that?  Should I rent or buy?  How will a decorate my new place?  These are definiatly things I should not be thinking about yet... but my mind thinks about these things because they don't me unhappy... they don't make me happy, but they don't make me sad either.

I have also chosen not to think about moving out.  Everytime I think about all the stuff I need to pack or all the decisions I need to make about what to take my mind feels like it wants to explode.  I need to figure out a way to take it a little bit at a time.  Maybe one room at a time or just write things down when I think of them... who knows, but I'm going to have to really think about those things relatively soon.

I really feel like at some point I might fall apart.  That I'll have a breakdown and cry and cry and be generally pathetic.  I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but I have this feeling I'm in a fair amount of denial about the situation... like I know what's happening, but won't know how hard it is not calling that house home anymore or something.  We'll see if that happens... I know it will get harder before it's easier.

I become sad about the weirdest things.  Like yesterday my friend was telling me a story about a New Year's Eve a few years ago... and it made me think about our low-key New Year's Eves of years past.  It's these little things.  I know I just have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time... one moment at a time... and I'll get there... but I'm sad about the fact we'll no longer be together.  I love him and I so desperately want things to be different.

I haven't told anyone at work, except my close friends.  I'm really dreading someone casually asking how he's doing... I'm scared I'm going to breakdown and cry or have to say what happened or whatever.  I know I can just answer fine or whatever... but at some point people need to know, how to tell them... well, I haven't figured that out.

I haven't figured a lot of things out, but I figure I'll just make the decisions when they feel right and when they make sense.  As much as I want to plan, plan, plan I need to take a step back and just trust that things will happen in time and I'll know the right path when I get there.

Again... thank you friends and family who are supporting me and keeping me looking forward.  I feel like I'd be in a much worse spot without you.  I will get through this and it will be in big part because of you.  Thank you for the comments I've received on this blog.  It's nice hearing your kind words.