The other day something happened... I knew it was going to happen at some point or another, but I guess I hoped that maybe I would actually get by with it not happening (oh the things we hope for sometimes...)
The other day something happened and I felt angry and upset and I knew that the only person who would really truly understand was him. Up until this point things have happened (mad, sad, happy, mundane, whatever) and I've been able to get someone else to understand... maybe not the first person, but someone along the way has listen, sympathized, whatever and I felt better. You know I like to talk.
Anyway... this thing that happened... there's really not anyone I would want to explain these feelings to... or I would be able to just say what happened and know that the other person would completely understand without me needing to explain myself or judge me for feeling that way... and then that happened. Any my first instinct was he would understand and comfort me.
But I don't have him anymore... it was really one of moments that I knew was going to come, but still hadn't quite been able to prepare myself for. Even though we are separated, we are on good terms and I did text him and hope for the same type of comfort/understanding that I once got. And well... I just didn't get what I needed. Yes, he did understand (better than anyone else could) but it wasn't the full pep talk, comfort, whatever that I got when I was his wife. I mean, I know that it's not his job to make me feel better. He doesn't have to care about my feelings or do anything to make me happy again. He's not the one I can go to for that kind of stuff anymore. And it's probably going to be a very long time before I have that level of comfort with anyone and it's just really sad.
It's sad b/c I'm sad, angry, upset about what happened... and then I'm sad, angry, upset at the realization of what realtionship/connection that I lost. It's like double the emotions for me which is just making everything that much worse. I really hope that someday I get to have someone that close to me again... gosh I so hope... the thing he and I shared was special and I think that some people didn't understand it (which is fine).
I don't know... at this point I'm just rambling hoping that I suddenly feel better... but I'm tired. I had a wonderful night (that I will recap don't you worry) yet this morning I'm feeling sad... probably b/c I'm tired, possibly b/c I'm at work, and there's potentially a hundred other reasons why I'm feeling sad.
I'm just hoping that this too will pass and I feel better... I think I'll go get breakfast... that normally helps
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