At the end of August it will be two years since the separation with Chad. (and two years on October 1st since I moved out and haven't seen him since except back in July) I'm not exactly sure what I want to say... but mostly just wanted to mark the moment.
Mostly it feels like so much longer than two years. I remember things about being together, but it seems like a much more distant memory than just two years ago.
It feels like I've lived a lifetime since then. I've done so many things. So many fun activities and trips and family time and friend time and just life in general. There's so much I have done that I would never, could never do when I was married to Chad.
I feel like I've done a good job moving forward... and I'm very happy with where my life is headed. I don't want to call the marriage a mistake, but I've learned a lot from it and hindsight is always 20/20 ya know?
I haven't really talked much about moving forward from this divorce since I moved onto my next relationship. When I was first going through the divorce process I thought for sure I would have a party to celebrate being divorce... single again... but it never felt right. It didn't feel right to post it on Facebook. Mostly I've just gone with when it feels right is the right time to do stuff. And that's worked very well.
Last year during the month of November when I wrote one thing I was thankful for a day I wrote an entry about how I was thankful for my divorce. The short, simpleness of that post really is still true.
In the end I have lived so much more since the divorce... I appreciate things more and I just understand relationships and life more than I did. It's like don't sweat the small stuff or something.
I know that I'm not making a whole lot of sense and this post is really rambly and all over the place... but I guess I just wanted to mark the occasion and really say that I'm proud of where I was and where I am now. I never really want to read about how sad I was in those first days (you can go back and read, but honestly I don't want to look at those posts) but I've come a long way from being soooo sad to being very happy and in a really good spot. It really just takes time to move forward. Waiting sucks, but it's worth it in the end.
That would be my advice to people going through something like I did. It gets better. Just wait it out and know that life is much better on the other side.
Showing posts with label moving forward. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving forward. Show all posts
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
A Couple of Small Things = A Big Step Forward
I haven't really written about the divorce in awhile. I haven't really needed or wanted to... but here's a small update in case you are interested.
There were some things that I wasn't sure how I was going to handle... actually there are still some things I don't know what I'm going to do - like my wedding ring or wedding photos and stuff... but that's not what this post is about.
Over the course of a few weeks I've taken three steps in what I feel like is the healing process. Once I completed the last of these three it just dawned on me that I felt like I took a pretty big step forward.
In the end I feel like I'm a big step forward and that truly, honestly feels wonderful!
There were some things that I wasn't sure how I was going to handle... actually there are still some things I don't know what I'm going to do - like my wedding ring or wedding photos and stuff... but that's not what this post is about.
Over the course of a few weeks I've taken three steps in what I feel like is the healing process. Once I completed the last of these three it just dawned on me that I felt like I took a pretty big step forward.
- I can't remember if I did this first or the next thing first, but honestly it doesn't matter much. I went through my phone and deleted all of the pictures of him. I was just sick of them getting in the way of other pictures I wanted to view. I did keep the pictures of the dogs for the time being as it's something I'm not sure how I want to handle (add it to the list!)
- I went through my Facebook page and removed all of those pictures too. I also untagged myself or removed from page any pictures of us together. This was a pretty time consuming feat... but it felt surprisingly refreshing to have that done. (another thing on this list - how to handle past blog posts
- Finally, I changed the background picture on my phone. Ever since I got this phone (August 2009) I have had the same background picture of a Imos heart shaped pizza. This really didn't sadden me when I looked at the phone - b/c I heart shaped pizza is a happy thing - plus I would get comments on it and I thought it was cool. But it's time to get rid of that too. So now it is a picture of the World Series Game I attended with my sister.
In the end I feel like I'm a big step forward and that truly, honestly feels wonderful!
Friday, January 6, 2012
New Years Eve
How is every one's New Year so far? Mine has been pretty darn good...
But that's not what this post is about, it's about what happened on the last few hours of 2011. This year I finally did a big New Year's Eve night out. I have gone to parties in the past and really been mostly disappointed. This includes when I've been single, dating, engaged, married, whatever... so it has nothing to do with my relationship status... to me New Years Eve is just always a big let down. Actually someday I want to go back to what we did on NYE when I was younger - party food and board games with the family. Someday maybe it will be like that again.
Anywho... I put out a lot of feelers for NYE... I didn't really want to plan anything myself, mostly b/c I have a hard time getting people to commit to me, so honestly I didn't want to frustration. I just trusted that something would come up eventually and I would have plans, and if not, well, whatever, it's NYE. Luckily my friend Liz came through, researched and picked what we would do. Shoot, she even ordered the tickets for me (you're awesome!!) So all I had to do was fork up the money, which I didn't mind doing.
We went to the Rock n Roll New Year's Eve Party at the Lemp Grand Hall. For $65 it included a buffet (with fillet Minoan if you like that sort of thing), open bar with beer, wine and well drinks, party favors, a champagne toast, live band, and balloon drop (did I get everything??) It was a lot of fun. I think if you're going to go out on NYE, all inclusive is the way to go.
Here we are - I wore my new gold dress, which I think is really pretty
We ate, danced, and drank. It was really a good time. I did probably drink too much, but whatever, I don't really do that all that often, so once or twice a year I can (that's what I'm telling myself anyway.)
There was a few moments before midnight that I was feeling pretty sad. I feel like a lot of these holidays has that sad feeling every once in awhile. But it slowly gets better. I let myself be sad a bit, and then I just let myself be happy. Enjoy being around my friends, enjoy the atmosphere I was in, and count down the last seconds of this somewhat awful year. I know it sounds so cliche, but this year I just treated that moment as a fresh start. It was 2012 and who know what that means. That might be a little scary but it's also exciting. Who knows what this year holds for me and I can't wait to find out.
At midnight they did a balloon drop which included prizes in the balloons!!! I won a two person admission to Lemp Mansion Comedy Mystery Theater. Liz will be my date for that.
Overall, it was a great night... (sans the drinking too much... have you ever gone from zero to wasted quickly? It was like everything hit me at once.)
I have regained my belief in the fun of NYE.
How was your NYE? What did you do?
But that's not what this post is about, it's about what happened on the last few hours of 2011. This year I finally did a big New Year's Eve night out. I have gone to parties in the past and really been mostly disappointed. This includes when I've been single, dating, engaged, married, whatever... so it has nothing to do with my relationship status... to me New Years Eve is just always a big let down. Actually someday I want to go back to what we did on NYE when I was younger - party food and board games with the family. Someday maybe it will be like that again.
Anywho... I put out a lot of feelers for NYE... I didn't really want to plan anything myself, mostly b/c I have a hard time getting people to commit to me, so honestly I didn't want to frustration. I just trusted that something would come up eventually and I would have plans, and if not, well, whatever, it's NYE. Luckily my friend Liz came through, researched and picked what we would do. Shoot, she even ordered the tickets for me (you're awesome!!) So all I had to do was fork up the money, which I didn't mind doing.
We went to the Rock n Roll New Year's Eve Party at the Lemp Grand Hall. For $65 it included a buffet (with fillet Minoan if you like that sort of thing), open bar with beer, wine and well drinks, party favors, a champagne toast, live band, and balloon drop (did I get everything??) It was a lot of fun. I think if you're going to go out on NYE, all inclusive is the way to go.
Here we are - I wore my new gold dress, which I think is really pretty
There was a few moments before midnight that I was feeling pretty sad. I feel like a lot of these holidays has that sad feeling every once in awhile. But it slowly gets better. I let myself be sad a bit, and then I just let myself be happy. Enjoy being around my friends, enjoy the atmosphere I was in, and count down the last seconds of this somewhat awful year. I know it sounds so cliche, but this year I just treated that moment as a fresh start. It was 2012 and who know what that means. That might be a little scary but it's also exciting. Who knows what this year holds for me and I can't wait to find out.
At midnight they did a balloon drop which included prizes in the balloons!!! I won a two person admission to Lemp Mansion Comedy Mystery Theater. Liz will be my date for that.
Overall, it was a great night... (sans the drinking too much... have you ever gone from zero to wasted quickly? It was like everything hit me at once.)
I have regained my belief in the fun of NYE.
How was your NYE? What did you do?
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Sadder One
I promise to do the happier Christmas post soon, but right now there are a few things that I'd really like to get off my mind.
Overall, Christmas was a lot of fun and really really great - especially on Christmas Day (really, I promise to tell you all about it later...) but even after that wonderful day when I got into bed for the night I started to feel really sad and I started to miss him... a lot. I guess it has to do with this time of year we spend with family and he was a part of that. I missed being able to talk to him and see him and be with him. I missed finding a good gift for him and I missed experiencing Christmas together... I missed him.
So many times everything is so great and I'm having a truly wonderful time and then I just get this overwhelming flash of sadness... and honestly, I hate it. Why can't I just enjoy the good?? Amerce myself completely and hold onto those good feelings... why must I get sad?
I know some people wonder why I don't talk to them about these feelings... and really, I just don't want to. I don't really feel like telling anyone... there really isn't much anyone can say that I haven't already heard or I really need to hear. I guess I like to deal with these things myself... sure there are things that I do want to talk to people about, but these I'm sad randomly feelings... I would rather just forget. Now why would I choose to blog about them? Well, that would be a good question. I need to get them out someway. I might not want to talk to someone about them, but I like to deal with these feelings somehow... and this blog works very well for me. I feel like some of the things I write about people get upset that I don't just tell them straight out... I would really hope that people are beginning to understand how I need to deal with things. That I'm not telling you because I don't like you or want to talk to you, but this is the way that I have chosen to deal with things. This is the way that makes me feel better... and I'm sorry if that's a bit selfish, but I need to do some things for myself and this is one of them. I have considered not writing these things publicly anymore. I'm not sure what the difference is publicly vs. personally... I could write these feelings privately and write a lot more honestly about things that are bothering me... including things that might just be really hurtful... right now I like the public arena... someone said I'm just looking for comments... but frankly I don't really get many of them, so whatever to that.
I guess it's just that time of year that things are going to be sad. I knew that, but I still didn't expect it to be this strong. I know that Sunday, my final Christmas celebration, is going to be tougher than the rest... I'm slightly dreading it because of that. I wish I could just force myself to be happy... wouldn't that be nice? Maybe I'm making it out to be a lot worse than it actually is - I really hope that's the case... I will just say it's going to suck when I'm the only one not coupled up - regardless of how nice, friendly, not all coupley everyone is - I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me.
I have been thinking recently about getting back out there... going on a date or signing up for an online dating site (free, not paying yet...). I've had some very mixed feelings about stuff. I do have a hard time with still technically being married while actively looking for a date... but I'm beginning to think it might be the right next move. Maybe I don't have to meet anyone right away, but I can talk to a boy and see how things go... I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it a lot more recently. I'm thinking that I won't be actually divorced until March or April (at the earliest). Do I really want to wait that long? Should I wait until the divorce ball is rolling full on? Should I instead have friends set me up? I'm just thinking that it would be something different, and that's not a bad thing. Hmm... something to consider for sure.
Another things that's been on my mind is this friend of mine. Her and I were super close 3-5 years ago. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. But since we've fallen out of touch. I tried super hard to stay friends with her. I would call, text, email, snail mail, visit, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal to try to make the friendship work... and I didn't get that effort from her at all... (of course this is making a long story short...) Last year she tried to get into touch with me again, and I tried again... I told her to call me that weekend and no call ever came. Yesterday I received a Christmas card from her. I'm paraphrasing, but call me, my life has drastically changed for the better, miss and love you.... Of course it was addressed to him and me because she doesn't know about the divorce, which also stung... I don't really know what to do about it. She was my best friend for a long time, but she also wasn't a good friend... and looking back even at the time she wasn't the greatest. I've put so much effort into things that I feel tapped out in that area... I don't really want to go through all of it again. But then I look at it from another angle. A few of my friendships had fallen apart for one reason or another and I forgave or asked them to forgive me and now I have great friendships with them again... I can think of at least three examples of this. From my caring side, I hate for someone to put out the effort and me be mean just because I'm mad about the past. Do I really want hate in my life like that? So I really don't know what I'm going to do... what I should do... what I want to do... I know what some other's opinions are in the matter, but whatever I decide to do, I need to make sure I'm ok with it, not anyone else.
Decisions, Decisions
Overall, Christmas was a lot of fun and really really great - especially on Christmas Day (really, I promise to tell you all about it later...) but even after that wonderful day when I got into bed for the night I started to feel really sad and I started to miss him... a lot. I guess it has to do with this time of year we spend with family and he was a part of that. I missed being able to talk to him and see him and be with him. I missed finding a good gift for him and I missed experiencing Christmas together... I missed him.
So many times everything is so great and I'm having a truly wonderful time and then I just get this overwhelming flash of sadness... and honestly, I hate it. Why can't I just enjoy the good?? Amerce myself completely and hold onto those good feelings... why must I get sad?
I know some people wonder why I don't talk to them about these feelings... and really, I just don't want to. I don't really feel like telling anyone... there really isn't much anyone can say that I haven't already heard or I really need to hear. I guess I like to deal with these things myself... sure there are things that I do want to talk to people about, but these I'm sad randomly feelings... I would rather just forget. Now why would I choose to blog about them? Well, that would be a good question. I need to get them out someway. I might not want to talk to someone about them, but I like to deal with these feelings somehow... and this blog works very well for me. I feel like some of the things I write about people get upset that I don't just tell them straight out... I would really hope that people are beginning to understand how I need to deal with things. That I'm not telling you because I don't like you or want to talk to you, but this is the way that I have chosen to deal with things. This is the way that makes me feel better... and I'm sorry if that's a bit selfish, but I need to do some things for myself and this is one of them. I have considered not writing these things publicly anymore. I'm not sure what the difference is publicly vs. personally... I could write these feelings privately and write a lot more honestly about things that are bothering me... including things that might just be really hurtful... right now I like the public arena... someone said I'm just looking for comments... but frankly I don't really get many of them, so whatever to that.
I guess it's just that time of year that things are going to be sad. I knew that, but I still didn't expect it to be this strong. I know that Sunday, my final Christmas celebration, is going to be tougher than the rest... I'm slightly dreading it because of that. I wish I could just force myself to be happy... wouldn't that be nice? Maybe I'm making it out to be a lot worse than it actually is - I really hope that's the case... I will just say it's going to suck when I'm the only one not coupled up - regardless of how nice, friendly, not all coupley everyone is - I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me.
I have been thinking recently about getting back out there... going on a date or signing up for an online dating site (free, not paying yet...). I've had some very mixed feelings about stuff. I do have a hard time with still technically being married while actively looking for a date... but I'm beginning to think it might be the right next move. Maybe I don't have to meet anyone right away, but I can talk to a boy and see how things go... I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it a lot more recently. I'm thinking that I won't be actually divorced until March or April (at the earliest). Do I really want to wait that long? Should I wait until the divorce ball is rolling full on? Should I instead have friends set me up? I'm just thinking that it would be something different, and that's not a bad thing. Hmm... something to consider for sure.
Another things that's been on my mind is this friend of mine. Her and I were super close 3-5 years ago. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. But since we've fallen out of touch. I tried super hard to stay friends with her. I would call, text, email, snail mail, visit, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal to try to make the friendship work... and I didn't get that effort from her at all... (of course this is making a long story short...) Last year she tried to get into touch with me again, and I tried again... I told her to call me that weekend and no call ever came. Yesterday I received a Christmas card from her. I'm paraphrasing, but call me, my life has drastically changed for the better, miss and love you.... Of course it was addressed to him and me because she doesn't know about the divorce, which also stung... I don't really know what to do about it. She was my best friend for a long time, but she also wasn't a good friend... and looking back even at the time she wasn't the greatest. I've put so much effort into things that I feel tapped out in that area... I don't really want to go through all of it again. But then I look at it from another angle. A few of my friendships had fallen apart for one reason or another and I forgave or asked them to forgive me and now I have great friendships with them again... I can think of at least three examples of this. From my caring side, I hate for someone to put out the effort and me be mean just because I'm mad about the past. Do I really want hate in my life like that? So I really don't know what I'm going to do... what I should do... what I want to do... I know what some other's opinions are in the matter, but whatever I decide to do, I need to make sure I'm ok with it, not anyone else.
Decisions, Decisions
Monday, December 19, 2011
Random Thoughts for a Monday
Just wanted to share some random thoughts.
- I had a pretty good weekend. Mostly, low key, but good. Friday night we had an impromptu happy hour with my dad's family, which is always fun. Saturday I finished shopping for my mom (only dad and purchasing a gift certificate, which I'm going to do today to go). That night I attended an ugly Christmas sweater party. I'm really happy that my step-sister, Rachel agreed to go with me. I had a couple of friends say they would, but ended up bailing, so I'm happy she could attend with me. She know some of those girls, so I think she enjoyed it too. Sunday I worked on homework and then watched the Survivor finale with my mom while wrapping gifts. I still have a few to go, since they were for my mom, and obviously can't do that while she's sitting next to me!
- Mental Health wise I've been doing really good. I think it's a combination of several different things - blogging some honest feelings last week, going to a counseling appointment, figuring out how this divorce will be funded, just knowing that I'm not the only one hurting because of this, and generally just starting to get into the Christmas spirit. I need to remind myself that this whole process is a spiral. Just because I'm doing good today doesn't mean I'll be good forever. I will experience times of pain, upset-ness, anger, sadness, etc. Just because I am any of those negative things doesn't mean I'm moving backward. It's good to remind myself of that. It's okay what I'm thinking - what I'm feeling isn't wrong. It's natural and expected.
- Speaking of that, I actually want to say something nice about him. Yesterday I was having issues with my computer. None of my Microsoft Office programs would open and I would get a weird error message. Not sure what to do, I texted him. I knew that he didn't have to respond - or help me... but he did and I couldn't be more appreciative. He helped me fix the problem relatively quickly (he is good with computers!) I felt good knowing it was a Microsoft update that messed things up and nothing I did. I'm really really thankful that he helped me. It meant a lot to me. We chatted a bit too, and I didn't feel sad after the conversation, but more ok with things somehow. I think sometimes you get into your head and make things up. The counselor calls this distorted thinking patterns. He is hurting too... this isn't easy for either of us, and when I'm feeling sad it's hard not to think that he can't be possibly hurting like I am. This is one of the things that does make me feel better. It just sucks all around.
- I am suppose to be moving buildings at work... it's a bit of a cluster. It feels like someone should give everyone guidance on how to do things - but that just hasn't happened. In the end, it will probably be me moving myself, which just seems weird. I thought I would do it today, but I think I might wait a bit.
- I think I have New Years Eve figured out, which is nice... thanks to my good friend Liz!
- I am really looking forward to the Christmas festivities. I love this time of year and I really want to enjoy it. It's beginning to feel more like Christmas every day, and I'm excited. I think I've mentioned before, but I LOVE wrapping gifts, so I'm looking forward to wrapping the few more that I have tonight. Also on the agenda this week - hanging out with Rachel tomorrow and seeing the Nutcracker at the Touhill on Wednesday... I've been wanting to go to the Nutcracker for ages and I'm super excited to finally seeing it!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I'm not sure
Here we are again... I promised a happier post and here I am starting a brand new whiney, woe-is-me post. I'm going to be real... I've been having a rough time lately. I'm not sure why, but I am. I've been feeling more sad lately, crying randomly, and just really sensitive... I hate it. I have really tried to stay positive and hope this is just passing... and honestly I'm still clinging to that hope... I don't like to be sad, I don't like to be negative, and I don't like being overly sensitive... but it seems like everything is getting to me lately.
While it is true that I'm not wallowing in self-despare 100% of the time. I can still be happy and positive and have a good time at times... I've been feeling the negative feelings more than I really want to admit. I can't even really tell you what makes me sad or start feeling negative. Sometimes I will be driving along and have this fleeting thought... and just start to tear up. It might be related to him or the situation or a friend... it could be any of these things... Like on Monday, I was merely thinking about having to tell the doctor about this situation and I started to cry or I'll think about my previous life and be sad.
If I'm being honest... I'm starting to worry if this is normal. I'm starting to worry that I'm moving backward and not forward. I'm starting to worry I'm not in as good a place as people think... or that even I want to believe. What if I'm just kidding myself and I've got a problem that I don't want to admit... I don't know what's normal... but I think I feel sad more than people realize. Shoot... when people talk to me about the situation or ask me questions I get teary eyed.
And honestly, I really haven't felt the desire to talk to anyone about this situation. I know tons of people would be there to listen and not judge... trust me, I know that you are there. It's just that, I don't really feel like I have much to say. I don't really know what I want to talk about... or if I have anything that I really need to say... does that make any sense.
I feel silly even writing this post (mostly b/c I was sadder when I started writing it than I do feel now...) I guess that writing stuff out helps me a lot. There have been some things lately, as I've mentioned, that I don't really feel comfortable sharing. Mostly, I don't want to commit certain things to writing because I don't want to hurt feelings or complain about people that are my friends and family... if those things really need to be written about I should write them elsewhere, not in this public arena.
Geez... I just feel like a mess sometimes... I just so desperately want to be ok. I don't want to cry, I don't want feel sad or sensitive. Speaking of the sensitive... things people say I'm just getting more emotional about than I should... or quite honestly taking it out of context and relating it to other parts of my life, including the past relationship when I shouldn't do it at all.
When I'm thinking logically and my mind/body isn't clouded with emotions I can say this. While, this divorce sucks royally - I think in a lot of ways I'm better off. He had some childhood issues he didn't want to work out, finanically we should have been better, he was selfish in a lot of ways, and looking back I think all of these things effected me more than I wanted to admit at the time. The chance to start all over, is actually kind of exciting...
I wonder if I'm letting myself to get emotional and feel sorry for myself in this weird limbo period. I have said (if I said it on this blog, I cannot remember) but it doesn't feel right to me to actively look for dates while I'm still technically married. Which kind of means, I'm just holding off on that aspect until I'm divorced. Maybe these emotions are also tied to this... I'm not sure. I talked (well, I tried to call, but he just texted back... figures) to him last night about a good option to get the ball rolling. I don't find it 100% ideal (as it would still be part of my money and I don't think I should have to pay) but I do think it's a good option to get this behind me... and I'm starting to think that's more important now.
Final Thoughts: I felt surprisingly better throughtout the month of November when I was 'forcing' myself to write each day. Maybe I should do that again... it was hard to find something to write about each and every day... but if it helps my mental health state because I do make myself write (both good and bad) I should consider it. Something to think about!
While it is true that I'm not wallowing in self-despare 100% of the time. I can still be happy and positive and have a good time at times... I've been feeling the negative feelings more than I really want to admit. I can't even really tell you what makes me sad or start feeling negative. Sometimes I will be driving along and have this fleeting thought... and just start to tear up. It might be related to him or the situation or a friend... it could be any of these things... Like on Monday, I was merely thinking about having to tell the doctor about this situation and I started to cry or I'll think about my previous life and be sad.
If I'm being honest... I'm starting to worry if this is normal. I'm starting to worry that I'm moving backward and not forward. I'm starting to worry I'm not in as good a place as people think... or that even I want to believe. What if I'm just kidding myself and I've got a problem that I don't want to admit... I don't know what's normal... but I think I feel sad more than people realize. Shoot... when people talk to me about the situation or ask me questions I get teary eyed.
And honestly, I really haven't felt the desire to talk to anyone about this situation. I know tons of people would be there to listen and not judge... trust me, I know that you are there. It's just that, I don't really feel like I have much to say. I don't really know what I want to talk about... or if I have anything that I really need to say... does that make any sense.
I feel silly even writing this post (mostly b/c I was sadder when I started writing it than I do feel now...) I guess that writing stuff out helps me a lot. There have been some things lately, as I've mentioned, that I don't really feel comfortable sharing. Mostly, I don't want to commit certain things to writing because I don't want to hurt feelings or complain about people that are my friends and family... if those things really need to be written about I should write them elsewhere, not in this public arena.
Geez... I just feel like a mess sometimes... I just so desperately want to be ok. I don't want to cry, I don't want feel sad or sensitive. Speaking of the sensitive... things people say I'm just getting more emotional about than I should... or quite honestly taking it out of context and relating it to other parts of my life, including the past relationship when I shouldn't do it at all.
When I'm thinking logically and my mind/body isn't clouded with emotions I can say this. While, this divorce sucks royally - I think in a lot of ways I'm better off. He had some childhood issues he didn't want to work out, finanically we should have been better, he was selfish in a lot of ways, and looking back I think all of these things effected me more than I wanted to admit at the time. The chance to start all over, is actually kind of exciting...
I wonder if I'm letting myself to get emotional and feel sorry for myself in this weird limbo period. I have said (if I said it on this blog, I cannot remember) but it doesn't feel right to me to actively look for dates while I'm still technically married. Which kind of means, I'm just holding off on that aspect until I'm divorced. Maybe these emotions are also tied to this... I'm not sure. I talked (well, I tried to call, but he just texted back... figures) to him last night about a good option to get the ball rolling. I don't find it 100% ideal (as it would still be part of my money and I don't think I should have to pay) but I do think it's a good option to get this behind me... and I'm starting to think that's more important now.
Final Thoughts: I felt surprisingly better throughtout the month of November when I was 'forcing' myself to write each day. Maybe I should do that again... it was hard to find something to write about each and every day... but if it helps my mental health state because I do make myself write (both good and bad) I should consider it. Something to think about!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Some Things
There has been this feeling I've been feeling most of the weekend... but it's just not something I'm comfortable posting on this blog in full detail. I'm going to try to write about what I feel comfortable saying, but I'm honestly not sure how it's going to flow... just letting you know this from the beginning.
As I mentioned in my last post (before football picks) that I was having a hard time feeling 'happy' at the work Christmas party. I kinda had that same feeling again this weekend. When I was surrounded by my good friends and just feeling like I had to force it a bit. I'm kinda attributing that to some other issues, but I wanted to feel it, I just wasn't. It was only when I was in the group of people, when I was one-on-one I felt a lot better... not sure what that means?
Also going along with the last post... I still feel like I'm not getting what I need from some of my friends (not all of them, just some...) I don't really know how to describe it. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm looking for, or what I do need... but I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I think I might be more dependent on my friends and sad when I don't feel like I'm ever made a priority or a thought sometimes... Like I said last time... this may be me setting my expectation very high... but I guess I've just been felt let down. (just deleted a whole passage where I got way too specific and I really don't want to bitch and moan about my friends here, when most of the time they are great and make me happy)
I feel like this is me just rehashing a lot of what I wrote on Friday. Sometimes I just need to do that... a lot of what I deleted did help to write out (even if it got deleted...) It's been a little over three months since this all went down... at some points, when I'm sad or upset, I just hoped to be a lot further along by now. I knew this stuff would bother me for awhile... but in a lot of ways sometimes I feel like I would be in a better place by now. I mean, I'm happy and getting by and whatever... but sometimes I still get really sad and I still feel really betrayed. And the more I think about how he knew for so long before he told me.... and that he told me over the phone while I was at work just kills me. At times it makes me feel so betrayed and like I wasn't even worth anything to him in the marriage. I feel like he owed me so much more and those thoughts break my heart all over again. Add in how his family has subsequently treated me, and I get pretty sad.
Some of these crying fits and sadness strikes - the feelings feel just as fresh as they were three months ago. Will they subside over time? I guess I will say that I don't feel hopeless and the crying fits/sadness strikes don't last nearly as long... that probably is a subsidizing thing.
Blah... I need to write about something happy next time... not for anyone else, but for myself. I feel like if you read a lot of these posts that you don't get an accurate sense of how I normally feel. So I do feel like I need to stress (both for myself and my readers) that I am happy... I am doing fairly well most of the time. It's not all hopeless and despair... trust me when I say that. Just want/need to work through some of these not so happy things... that's all.
As I mentioned in my last post (before football picks) that I was having a hard time feeling 'happy' at the work Christmas party. I kinda had that same feeling again this weekend. When I was surrounded by my good friends and just feeling like I had to force it a bit. I'm kinda attributing that to some other issues, but I wanted to feel it, I just wasn't. It was only when I was in the group of people, when I was one-on-one I felt a lot better... not sure what that means?
Also going along with the last post... I still feel like I'm not getting what I need from some of my friends (not all of them, just some...) I don't really know how to describe it. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm looking for, or what I do need... but I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I think I might be more dependent on my friends and sad when I don't feel like I'm ever made a priority or a thought sometimes... Like I said last time... this may be me setting my expectation very high... but I guess I've just been felt let down. (just deleted a whole passage where I got way too specific and I really don't want to bitch and moan about my friends here, when most of the time they are great and make me happy)
I feel like this is me just rehashing a lot of what I wrote on Friday. Sometimes I just need to do that... a lot of what I deleted did help to write out (even if it got deleted...) It's been a little over three months since this all went down... at some points, when I'm sad or upset, I just hoped to be a lot further along by now. I knew this stuff would bother me for awhile... but in a lot of ways sometimes I feel like I would be in a better place by now. I mean, I'm happy and getting by and whatever... but sometimes I still get really sad and I still feel really betrayed. And the more I think about how he knew for so long before he told me.... and that he told me over the phone while I was at work just kills me. At times it makes me feel so betrayed and like I wasn't even worth anything to him in the marriage. I feel like he owed me so much more and those thoughts break my heart all over again. Add in how his family has subsequently treated me, and I get pretty sad.
Some of these crying fits and sadness strikes - the feelings feel just as fresh as they were three months ago. Will they subside over time? I guess I will say that I don't feel hopeless and the crying fits/sadness strikes don't last nearly as long... that probably is a subsidizing thing.
Blah... I need to write about something happy next time... not for anyone else, but for myself. I feel like if you read a lot of these posts that you don't get an accurate sense of how I normally feel. So I do feel like I need to stress (both for myself and my readers) that I am happy... I am doing fairly well most of the time. It's not all hopeless and despair... trust me when I say that. Just want/need to work through some of these not so happy things... that's all.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Fake It
I don't know what it was about yesterday but it was the first day that I just couldn't will myself to have a good time and be happy. It was a really weird sensation for me. I was at my work's Christmas party and I was just not feeling it. I put on a smile and tried my best, but I feel like it was very obvious that I wasn't in the mood. It felt really weird and I hope that it's not a trend. I have a feeling that's what depressed people feel all the time. I don't think I have depression, and I will be on the look out for the signs (and hope others would be too) but yesterday was just a bit unnerving. I should have been happy and having a good time... but what I wanted to do was leave, not be around people and just get away... hopefully that doesn't happen again any time soon.
Going along with this... maybe it's related but I don't think it is... but maybe things affect me more than I realize... but yesterday I felt fine in the morning... totally great... was happy and 'moving forward' and all that... and then something happened that just made me feel back at square one. I know I'm not ever back at square one, but still. Sometime I feel so dumb for being sad about this or that. Like it's just so silly, why would anyone be upset about that. I know that I should just be honest with my feeling, but you can't help but feel dumb sometimes. If you want to know what happened... yesterday it was announced that Albert Pujols will be going to the Angels next year. (sad day for Cardinals fans, but is what it is) anywho... my cousin was one of the first to say this on Facebook. And what do you know, but his brother comments on that status. This just angers me... a lot. His brother can delete me off Facebook lickety split yet remains 'friends' with my cousins... my family. Delete them all... or quit commenting on their status. (he did it again this morning to my other cousin too...) I guess it just brings up all those sad feelings I have about his family. It just hurts me so much. I thought I was coming terms to it, but I'm not. I am still really sad and upset about it... more than I really want to admit to myself.
But honestly, I had come to 'terms' with those feelings before the Christmas party - so I didn't think they were related. I guess I'm worried that I might feel this way throughout Christmas... one of my favorite times of the year. I really really hope that I don't... I don't think I will, but who knows. I never love the work Christmas party, so maybe it's just part of that.
And while I'm already talking about stuff that bothers me... I've felt slightly let down by friends. I will say that it doesn't take much, and I probably have my expectations incredibly high right now. But, I just have felt really disappointed by some of them lately. I'm getting irritated at people who say they will go with me to X, Y, or Z and then later get out of it. I would have appreciated honesty from the beginning instead of false promises or getting my hopes up (for lack of a better phrase/word whatever). I don't feel like I can really express what I'm feeling. And some of it probably has to do with something I'm doing wrong or expecting and I shouldn't be. I don't know... I feel bad even writing this... but it's something that's been on my mind and since this is my blog... I want to write how I honestly feel. It's a place that I can be honest with myself - I'm not writing this in the hopes someone will read it and change or feel bad or upset... I am writing it because this is my outlet and I need to say it somewhere. I think I need to figure out a way to lower my expectations... especially in cases where I know they need to be low.
Wow, this post was really a bit of a downer... sorry about that... I hope I don't sound like I'm sad all the time, because that's really not the case... it's just been a slightly rough week in a very odd way... I am happy a lot of the time, but the sad times are the ones that I really start to feel the urge to write. So what's what this is.
Going along with this... maybe it's related but I don't think it is... but maybe things affect me more than I realize... but yesterday I felt fine in the morning... totally great... was happy and 'moving forward' and all that... and then something happened that just made me feel back at square one. I know I'm not ever back at square one, but still. Sometime I feel so dumb for being sad about this or that. Like it's just so silly, why would anyone be upset about that. I know that I should just be honest with my feeling, but you can't help but feel dumb sometimes. If you want to know what happened... yesterday it was announced that Albert Pujols will be going to the Angels next year. (sad day for Cardinals fans, but is what it is) anywho... my cousin was one of the first to say this on Facebook. And what do you know, but his brother comments on that status. This just angers me... a lot. His brother can delete me off Facebook lickety split yet remains 'friends' with my cousins... my family. Delete them all... or quit commenting on their status. (he did it again this morning to my other cousin too...) I guess it just brings up all those sad feelings I have about his family. It just hurts me so much. I thought I was coming terms to it, but I'm not. I am still really sad and upset about it... more than I really want to admit to myself.
But honestly, I had come to 'terms' with those feelings before the Christmas party - so I didn't think they were related. I guess I'm worried that I might feel this way throughout Christmas... one of my favorite times of the year. I really really hope that I don't... I don't think I will, but who knows. I never love the work Christmas party, so maybe it's just part of that.
And while I'm already talking about stuff that bothers me... I've felt slightly let down by friends. I will say that it doesn't take much, and I probably have my expectations incredibly high right now. But, I just have felt really disappointed by some of them lately. I'm getting irritated at people who say they will go with me to X, Y, or Z and then later get out of it. I would have appreciated honesty from the beginning instead of false promises or getting my hopes up (for lack of a better phrase/word whatever). I don't feel like I can really express what I'm feeling. And some of it probably has to do with something I'm doing wrong or expecting and I shouldn't be. I don't know... I feel bad even writing this... but it's something that's been on my mind and since this is my blog... I want to write how I honestly feel. It's a place that I can be honest with myself - I'm not writing this in the hopes someone will read it and change or feel bad or upset... I am writing it because this is my outlet and I need to say it somewhere. I think I need to figure out a way to lower my expectations... especially in cases where I know they need to be low.
Wow, this post was really a bit of a downer... sorry about that... I hope I don't sound like I'm sad all the time, because that's really not the case... it's just been a slightly rough week in a very odd way... I am happy a lot of the time, but the sad times are the ones that I really start to feel the urge to write. So what's what this is.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Some Thoughts
I haven't written in awhile and I've thoroughly missed it. After writing everyday for 30 days, it felt weird not writing for the past week. I guess that I built sort of a habit in that month, which isn't a bad thing. I've really wanted to write, but I've also felt like I really don't have much to say.
I have fleeting thoughts a lot... thought about this divorce and other things. None of them have really felt worth committing to writing. In general, I feel sad sometimes, and I still cry from time-to-time, often very randomly. For the most part I feel really ok. I am ready to get the actual legal divorce ball rolling but I'm ok with the fact it won't happen until next year. I still think that he should pay for more of it than me. I have been giving that some thought lately. Basically, he was the one who changed his mind, he was the one who initiated all of this, and the more I think about it, he is the one gaining a majority of the assets. At this point I believe he should pay for most if not all of it. However, we have not discussed that... and there is the possibility if I wait for that to happen, it might be a very long time before we are divorced.
Like I said, I'm feeling ok. I'm just ready for the next step. I'm like really ready to be completely ok. And by that I mean, I'm ready to be ready to date and get back out there. This divorce not happening fast has given me a bit of a cooling period. It forces me to wait. I'm not saying that I couldn't start dating, but I certainly could, but I feel like it's very wrong to online date or put myself way out there when I'm still technically married. If something were to randomly happen naturally, that's a different story, but I'm not ready to actively be looking until I am not married anymore.
I feel the need to reiterate (only because one of my friends thought I was saying something different) I know that right now I am not ready, regardless of the divorce or not. I just am not there emotionally and I totally recognize that. I don't think I need to fully be there, but I need to be a heck of a lot closer before I'm ready to be hanging out even remotely romantically with guys. I am not trying to force myself to be ready, or put some sort of time limit on feelings (i.e. I will start dating in 6 months). I am ok with where I am right now. I feel like I've got a fairly level head about this right now. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me. After all, my motto through this is 'until it stops working.'
Anyway... in somewhat related news HIMYM has been relevant to what's going on in a way. I started watching old episode sometime last year and now I'm watching new episodes (BTW, one of my favorite shows on TV). This season has had the incredibly relevant babies topic. With Barney changing his mind about wanting kids and Robin not wanting kids, then finding out she can't have them, only be be sad about it... it's just been relevant. Surprisingly, this hasn't made me feel sad or bothered really... just pensive?
One final thing... I watched the entire first season of Survivor on You Tube in the last week or so. I thought I would looking back, and thus far it's been great. That first season of Survivor is unreal when you compare it to current day. I mean, that first season they were all mad at Richard Hatch because he formed an alliance, and alliances are horrible, horrible things. Compared to these days, when the alliances start forming after an hour on the island... just funny. I remember watching that show and hating Richard... now that I'm much more of a fan, I can respect that a lot more. I'm looking forward to watching the other seasons too.
And on that note... I'm finished with this entry.
I have fleeting thoughts a lot... thought about this divorce and other things. None of them have really felt worth committing to writing. In general, I feel sad sometimes, and I still cry from time-to-time, often very randomly. For the most part I feel really ok. I am ready to get the actual legal divorce ball rolling but I'm ok with the fact it won't happen until next year. I still think that he should pay for more of it than me. I have been giving that some thought lately. Basically, he was the one who changed his mind, he was the one who initiated all of this, and the more I think about it, he is the one gaining a majority of the assets. At this point I believe he should pay for most if not all of it. However, we have not discussed that... and there is the possibility if I wait for that to happen, it might be a very long time before we are divorced.
Like I said, I'm feeling ok. I'm just ready for the next step. I'm like really ready to be completely ok. And by that I mean, I'm ready to be ready to date and get back out there. This divorce not happening fast has given me a bit of a cooling period. It forces me to wait. I'm not saying that I couldn't start dating, but I certainly could, but I feel like it's very wrong to online date or put myself way out there when I'm still technically married. If something were to randomly happen naturally, that's a different story, but I'm not ready to actively be looking until I am not married anymore.
I feel the need to reiterate (only because one of my friends thought I was saying something different) I know that right now I am not ready, regardless of the divorce or not. I just am not there emotionally and I totally recognize that. I don't think I need to fully be there, but I need to be a heck of a lot closer before I'm ready to be hanging out even remotely romantically with guys. I am not trying to force myself to be ready, or put some sort of time limit on feelings (i.e. I will start dating in 6 months). I am ok with where I am right now. I feel like I've got a fairly level head about this right now. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me. After all, my motto through this is 'until it stops working.'
Anyway... in somewhat related news HIMYM has been relevant to what's going on in a way. I started watching old episode sometime last year and now I'm watching new episodes (BTW, one of my favorite shows on TV). This season has had the incredibly relevant babies topic. With Barney changing his mind about wanting kids and Robin not wanting kids, then finding out she can't have them, only be be sad about it... it's just been relevant. Surprisingly, this hasn't made me feel sad or bothered really... just pensive?
One final thing... I watched the entire first season of Survivor on You Tube in the last week or so. I thought I would looking back, and thus far it's been great. That first season of Survivor is unreal when you compare it to current day. I mean, that first season they were all mad at Richard Hatch because he formed an alliance, and alliances are horrible, horrible things. Compared to these days, when the alliances start forming after an hour on the island... just funny. I remember watching that show and hating Richard... now that I'm much more of a fan, I can respect that a lot more. I'm looking forward to watching the other seasons too.
And on that note... I'm finished with this entry.
Friday, December 2, 2011
How?
Say there is something that really bothers you. Something that you get super emotional about. One of those the feeling hits you way before you're actually able to defuse the situation. Your eyes get all teary and before you know it you really want to to cry. But you're not in a situation where you can... maybe you're around a big group of people, or in a strange location or you just can't get away... You can't really describe the situation to the people around you (maybe it doesn't make sense or opening your mouth will just make it worse) and you cannot just avoid the situation from the start.
You try to logic your way out of it - this doesn't make sense, why are you upset... the only real way is to try to tactifully get around it (not make it obvious), maybe go to the bathroom to cry... Or that's the only ways I've figure out how to get myself off that emotional peak.
So my question is... how do I get over this? I know it would probably help to know the details, but I don't really want to make those public. I guess, my question is how do I bring myself down? Or help me get over it before I'm even in the situation?
I can tell you that the mere thought of thinking about it can get my pretty emotional. It doesn't make sense. I guess that I just have really strong feelings... and while in my head I'm telling myself it's stupid to feel that way my body cannot get on board with my head. I don't want it to happen anymore and I'm pretty annoyed by it all... I feel stupid and I feel like eventually someone will call me out on it (which won't make it any better!) I'm not saying that I need to completely get over these feelings - I just need to not be so emotional about it at the drop of a hat.
I plan on asking my counselor about it... but thought I would put it out here too. It's something that I need and want to get over... it's something that's so stupid I hate even bringing it up. I just want to figure out a way to be okay with it and not break into tears...
You try to logic your way out of it - this doesn't make sense, why are you upset... the only real way is to try to tactifully get around it (not make it obvious), maybe go to the bathroom to cry... Or that's the only ways I've figure out how to get myself off that emotional peak.
So my question is... how do I get over this? I know it would probably help to know the details, but I don't really want to make those public. I guess, my question is how do I bring myself down? Or help me get over it before I'm even in the situation?
I can tell you that the mere thought of thinking about it can get my pretty emotional. It doesn't make sense. I guess that I just have really strong feelings... and while in my head I'm telling myself it's stupid to feel that way my body cannot get on board with my head. I don't want it to happen anymore and I'm pretty annoyed by it all... I feel stupid and I feel like eventually someone will call me out on it (which won't make it any better!) I'm not saying that I need to completely get over these feelings - I just need to not be so emotional about it at the drop of a hat.
I plan on asking my counselor about it... but thought I would put it out here too. It's something that I need and want to get over... it's something that's so stupid I hate even bringing it up. I just want to figure out a way to be okay with it and not break into tears...
Friday, November 25, 2011
Full Mind
Have you ever had a lot on you mind but nothing at the same time? It feels like my mind is going over a lot, but at the same time I don't really have much to say about it.
I even tried to write out some of the things I was thinking about and I couldn't get much past two sentences... I even wrote these things on regular paper thinking that it might not be blog worthy or something I even wanted to share... but nothing
I've thought about texting a friend to talk, but realizing that I really don't have much to say.
It's just strange. I'm not really sure what I want to say. I thought it might have something to do with Thanksgiving being yesterday and the first holiday without him... but I'm honestly not sure it has anything to do with that.
The thing is I don't know what it has to deal with. I'm feeling slightly anxious and either I don't know why or I don't want to admit why to myself... I mean that kind of thing has happened before.
I do know it does have something to do with this divorce. I was talking to a new person on Wednesday night and I didn't want to admit that I was getting a divorce. I think that's two fold... that I enjoy having conversation with people that just flat out don't know... it's a nice change of pace from the emotional conversations and the telling 'how are you doing?' questions. The other reason is I am somewhat embarrassed by the fact I'm getting a divorce. I either don't want to explain the reason or the fact I'm 27 or that it only lasted 3 years and all of that. It just sucks... and I don't feel like it's a good representation of myself or whatever.
I don't know... a lot of times I feel fine with everything and as soon as I'm really believing I'm fine, I get all sad all over again. It's like a freaking switch or something and I'm just starting to get annoyed by these drastic mood changes. It's just frustrating. I know that I have to go through all this to get better, but it just sucks in the mean time. It just flat out sucks.
But these are just a few things that are stuck up in my full head... I hope this post makes me feel a bit better... I just want to feel happy more... and not feel so sad at the drop of a hat. I feel like I can be totally fine one second and the next my eyes are welled up with tears because I'm sad. I'm pretty sure this is normal, but that doesn't make it any better or easier or whatever.
I'm just ready to be there... I guess... I don't know... (this post has taken a weird turn... sorry... it's funny how things can spill out once you get going... you can probably read my emotions turning throughout a post... might not be the easiest read, but it's honest!)
I hope this post doesn't make me sound like I'm sad all the time, because I'm really not. Just sometimes and the fact it comes out of no where just doesn't help. And some of the things that make me sad are just unavoidable... so it's hard to separate myself from everything that will make me upset.
I'm really mostly happy... my friends make me happy, my family makes me happy, the things I've gotten to do since this all went down have made me happy, even the new adventure I get to go on makes me happy at times (new apartment someday, a house, a first kiss, meeting new guys that might even be BETTER for me, new friends, getting to plan things, my own budget and money, being debt free (besides the students loans which I don't count), etc) so it's not like everything sucks... it's just that I'm emotional... and that in itself sucks.
Okay, I feel like I've really babbled on quite enough for this post. Hopefully sometime in the next few posts I'll have a recipe to share... as long as everything goes well!
I even tried to write out some of the things I was thinking about and I couldn't get much past two sentences... I even wrote these things on regular paper thinking that it might not be blog worthy or something I even wanted to share... but nothing
I've thought about texting a friend to talk, but realizing that I really don't have much to say.
It's just strange. I'm not really sure what I want to say. I thought it might have something to do with Thanksgiving being yesterday and the first holiday without him... but I'm honestly not sure it has anything to do with that.
The thing is I don't know what it has to deal with. I'm feeling slightly anxious and either I don't know why or I don't want to admit why to myself... I mean that kind of thing has happened before.
I do know it does have something to do with this divorce. I was talking to a new person on Wednesday night and I didn't want to admit that I was getting a divorce. I think that's two fold... that I enjoy having conversation with people that just flat out don't know... it's a nice change of pace from the emotional conversations and the telling 'how are you doing?' questions. The other reason is I am somewhat embarrassed by the fact I'm getting a divorce. I either don't want to explain the reason or the fact I'm 27 or that it only lasted 3 years and all of that. It just sucks... and I don't feel like it's a good representation of myself or whatever.
I don't know... a lot of times I feel fine with everything and as soon as I'm really believing I'm fine, I get all sad all over again. It's like a freaking switch or something and I'm just starting to get annoyed by these drastic mood changes. It's just frustrating. I know that I have to go through all this to get better, but it just sucks in the mean time. It just flat out sucks.
But these are just a few things that are stuck up in my full head... I hope this post makes me feel a bit better... I just want to feel happy more... and not feel so sad at the drop of a hat. I feel like I can be totally fine one second and the next my eyes are welled up with tears because I'm sad. I'm pretty sure this is normal, but that doesn't make it any better or easier or whatever.
I'm just ready to be there... I guess... I don't know... (this post has taken a weird turn... sorry... it's funny how things can spill out once you get going... you can probably read my emotions turning throughout a post... might not be the easiest read, but it's honest!)
I hope this post doesn't make me sound like I'm sad all the time, because I'm really not. Just sometimes and the fact it comes out of no where just doesn't help. And some of the things that make me sad are just unavoidable... so it's hard to separate myself from everything that will make me upset.
I'm really mostly happy... my friends make me happy, my family makes me happy, the things I've gotten to do since this all went down have made me happy, even the new adventure I get to go on makes me happy at times (new apartment someday, a house, a first kiss, meeting new guys that might even be BETTER for me, new friends, getting to plan things, my own budget and money, being debt free (besides the students loans which I don't count), etc) so it's not like everything sucks... it's just that I'm emotional... and that in itself sucks.
Okay, I feel like I've really babbled on quite enough for this post. Hopefully sometime in the next few posts I'll have a recipe to share... as long as everything goes well!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I was thinking
As I mentioned this past weekend my Grandma passed away. She was 93 years old and I know she lived a good, happy life. Her wake and funeral service was beautiful. It was nice sharing memories of Grandma and we even got to look at some old pictures I've never seen before. Including young pictures of my dad (who looks exactly like my brother) and even my grandparents on their wedding day. Now that was a cool picture to see, how young and good looking they were. I hope to get a copy of that picture... it's a classic old time photo!
So while funerals can be really sad... they can be a good time for family to get together and share memories. My cousin (who is like my parents age... I have a strange family when it comes to that) gave a speech at the service and it was very good. I'm glad someone in the family had the courage to get up and say something... I would have cried... plus I'm not a good public speaker.
Another thing I was thinknig about is my grandparents were married for 60 years this past April. 60 years... can you believe that? I've been bummed recently that my marriage is ending... and that the hope/dream is over for a long long marriage. But what I realized is my grandma was 33 when she married my grandpa. That's a bit older (especially when you consider that generation) and they had 3 kids. I really worry that some of the things I want in my life won't happen (kids, happy marriage, etc) but looking at that... my grandma had a wonderful, life full of both of those things... and I'm not 33 yet. I could still get married and be together for 60 years... I can still have 3 children... it's still possible. Those are the things that's hard for me to really believe... but the proof is right there in my grandparents.
I don't want to turn this into a woe-is-me post or anything... but what life tells you (and recently showed me) is everyone's life journey is different. Those that seem happy now could have hardship tomorrow... you're life can be "planned" out and disaster strikes. Life can be looking super crappy and then you meet a wonderful person... I don't know what my life will bring me, just as much as you don't know what your life will bring you. Enjoy it... live it... do it.
Who knows what I'll be telling my kids or grandkids 50 years from now (or if I'll be alive 50 years from now or have those grandchildren) but I know my life will be interesting and quite a story. I will be at peace and happy about what I've done and what I've expereienced. This is just a minor bump in the road that is life. I do need to keep remembering that. It's hard when you want know things will be ok, or you'll get the things you want. I need to trust everything will end up a-ok.
How about all that profound speaking??
So while funerals can be really sad... they can be a good time for family to get together and share memories. My cousin (who is like my parents age... I have a strange family when it comes to that) gave a speech at the service and it was very good. I'm glad someone in the family had the courage to get up and say something... I would have cried... plus I'm not a good public speaker.
Another thing I was thinknig about is my grandparents were married for 60 years this past April. 60 years... can you believe that? I've been bummed recently that my marriage is ending... and that the hope/dream is over for a long long marriage. But what I realized is my grandma was 33 when she married my grandpa. That's a bit older (especially when you consider that generation) and they had 3 kids. I really worry that some of the things I want in my life won't happen (kids, happy marriage, etc) but looking at that... my grandma had a wonderful, life full of both of those things... and I'm not 33 yet. I could still get married and be together for 60 years... I can still have 3 children... it's still possible. Those are the things that's hard for me to really believe... but the proof is right there in my grandparents.
I don't want to turn this into a woe-is-me post or anything... but what life tells you (and recently showed me) is everyone's life journey is different. Those that seem happy now could have hardship tomorrow... you're life can be "planned" out and disaster strikes. Life can be looking super crappy and then you meet a wonderful person... I don't know what my life will bring me, just as much as you don't know what your life will bring you. Enjoy it... live it... do it.
Who knows what I'll be telling my kids or grandkids 50 years from now (or if I'll be alive 50 years from now or have those grandchildren) but I know my life will be interesting and quite a story. I will be at peace and happy about what I've done and what I've expereienced. This is just a minor bump in the road that is life. I do need to keep remembering that. It's hard when you want know things will be ok, or you'll get the things you want. I need to trust everything will end up a-ok.
How about all that profound speaking??
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I'm just so sick of it
I am writing this post b/c I am wide awake and it's almost one in the morning. And frankly I don't know what else to do. I am just so sick of everything...
He is just being so freaking difficult about stuff. All I want is an answer to how long it's going to take for him to come up with the money to pay the divorce lawyer. This is something that I feel I have the right to know after all it directly effects me right? And nothing... I get treated like I'm prying into the most secret of secret information... like how dare I ask such a thing.
It is my business... I'm not trying to know his finances or what he needs to pay for what when (although I could guess that kind of stuff) but asking a question that about a freaking time line. Just give me an estimate when you think you'll have the money... how long do I have to wait around to get this show on the road. I am ready to get this thing going and put this mess behind me... not that it's that easy or anything but at least that part will be completed... right now I'm still married... married... and unless I want to drop the full amount of money on this thing... well that's how it's going to stay.
I'm not saying there's a rush... I have no real good reason that I need to be divorced right now... but I just want that part to be done so when I am ready to date I can. Something about dating while I'm still technically married just sounds like the wrong thing to do.
I am just so sick of everything being on his terms... breaking this marriage up was on his terms. You would think that it would have been my decision b/c I'm the one who wants to have kids... but it wasn't. Every single thing was when he would agree to it or when he decided this or that without even consulting me. The money example is good example... when he is ready when he has the money when he can figure it out.
The other thing that popped up was his decision that he was going to file taxes alone. I'm not saying that I want to file taxes with him... but that is still something that directly effects me and it should be something that at the very least talked about not sent in a message "BTW I'm filing separate taxes this year. You need to do so also." What a prick.
I know I haven't gotten to calling names or being mean... but right now that's exactly what I'm feeling. I'm feeling like he is being as ass and I want to call him out on it.
If we're being honest, I don't think I should have to pay for this divorce at all... I wasn't the one who wanted it. I wasn't the one who lied... I wasn't the one who making the freaking decision. I am the one who has to deal with all this aftermath and waste $600 of my saved cash on this thing that I didn't even want to do in the first place. As stupid, dumb, and never going to happen as it may be... I honestly believe he should have to pay for it all.
So that's where I am... I know a lot of people will think (b/c they won't say it to me, and I'm glad they don't) that I should have expected all of this and that I have high expectations or something... but whatever... this is how I feel... this is my blog and I can say what I want... I don't really want to hear the opposite of this right now.
He is just being so freaking difficult about stuff. All I want is an answer to how long it's going to take for him to come up with the money to pay the divorce lawyer. This is something that I feel I have the right to know after all it directly effects me right? And nothing... I get treated like I'm prying into the most secret of secret information... like how dare I ask such a thing.
It is my business... I'm not trying to know his finances or what he needs to pay for what when (although I could guess that kind of stuff) but asking a question that about a freaking time line. Just give me an estimate when you think you'll have the money... how long do I have to wait around to get this show on the road. I am ready to get this thing going and put this mess behind me... not that it's that easy or anything but at least that part will be completed... right now I'm still married... married... and unless I want to drop the full amount of money on this thing... well that's how it's going to stay.
I'm not saying there's a rush... I have no real good reason that I need to be divorced right now... but I just want that part to be done so when I am ready to date I can. Something about dating while I'm still technically married just sounds like the wrong thing to do.
I am just so sick of everything being on his terms... breaking this marriage up was on his terms. You would think that it would have been my decision b/c I'm the one who wants to have kids... but it wasn't. Every single thing was when he would agree to it or when he decided this or that without even consulting me. The money example is good example... when he is ready when he has the money when he can figure it out.
The other thing that popped up was his decision that he was going to file taxes alone. I'm not saying that I want to file taxes with him... but that is still something that directly effects me and it should be something that at the very least talked about not sent in a message "BTW I'm filing separate taxes this year. You need to do so also." What a prick.
I know I haven't gotten to calling names or being mean... but right now that's exactly what I'm feeling. I'm feeling like he is being as ass and I want to call him out on it.
If we're being honest, I don't think I should have to pay for this divorce at all... I wasn't the one who wanted it. I wasn't the one who lied... I wasn't the one who making the freaking decision. I am the one who has to deal with all this aftermath and waste $600 of my saved cash on this thing that I didn't even want to do in the first place. As stupid, dumb, and never going to happen as it may be... I honestly believe he should have to pay for it all.
So that's where I am... I know a lot of people will think (b/c they won't say it to me, and I'm glad they don't) that I should have expected all of this and that I have high expectations or something... but whatever... this is how I feel... this is my blog and I can say what I want... I don't really want to hear the opposite of this right now.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Cardinals Nation!
Each series was incredibly exciting and while we were the underdog the entire time we still manage to win games when we needed them. The best example of this would be in Game 6 of the WS... that game will probably go down as one of the most exciting and stressful games I've ever watched. And all those sports experts are calling it one of the greatest games in the WS - EVER. The Rangers were one strike away from winning the World Series... TWICE and the Cardinals were able to tie it back up. It was looking grim, but somehow we ended up winning that game six with a walkoff homerun by the home-town boy... I mean, seriously, you can't make this stuff up!
After we won Game 6 we forced a Game 7. My dad reserved a table at Pujols' restaurant... how he managed that was beyond me... but my dad, me, Rachel, Janet, Keith and his girlfriend Sarah all joined together to root the Cardinals on in Game 7. The Cardinals haven't lost when we've all been together watching the game. We had beers and apps and it was a lot of fun. We ordered shots to have them as soon as the Cardinals won (we waited until it was looking very probable the Cards would win, didn't want to jinx anything!)
And when that last out was caught we celebrated... jumped around and high-fived, hugged... it was exciting to be out and about during that exciting time. Spending it with family is just want I needed. The last time they won the World Series - I was with him - but now I have this happier memory of the Cardinals winning... like they started winning just for me. I also watched Game 6 with my dad, and I'm so happy I did... I don't think I've ever seen my dad that excited in my life. I'm so happy I got to witness this crazy Cardinal post-season with my family... I mean, I watched games with family, my sister took me to a game. This has been perfect for the last two months.
After they won at Pujols they passed around free champagne... of course it wasn't very much - but it was fun... here's a couple of pictures from that night. The WS has made St. Louis collectively happier... and bonded us as Cardinal Nation yet again. I'm looking forward to next season!!
(ignore the crappy quality of the iphone photos and the fact I have crazy eyes in that bottom one...)\
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Yesterday Sucked
I have been getting progressively sicker the last couple of days. What started as allergies has turned into a head cold full of stuffiness, sore throat, running nose, sneezing and coughing. And I think I made it all so much worse yesterday by getting myself all emotional and sad.
I have been feeling sad lately... I can't really put into words the exact reasons why I'm getting sad... but they have to do with feeling abandoned by the one person I thought would never do that, feeling lied to since he talked to everyone on the planet about our situation before me, and that feeling of everything between us was finally getting good, he finally got the steady job, his schedule was finally becoming firm, we were starting to clean up and do things with the house, pay off debt and his medical issues were finished... so I dealt with all the bad and we were finally entering the good only for me to get dumped...
Anyway... I've been feeling sad about those things among many others that don't make any sense or aren't easily put into words. So when I woke up yesterday... all that crap was still on my mind... and just making me feel like crap... Then I come to work and pretty much realize that I didn't get an interview for a position I should have gotten an interview for. I don't know the reasons and work really rather refrain from talking about work on here... but that just added to my overall bummed attitude.
The final thing that happened was a realization that I had been unfriended on Facebook by every single one of his family members... every one. It really feels like a collective f-you in my opinion. Long story short... I confronted him about it and proceeded to have one of the ugliest cries I've had in a long time. I mean... there was tears, hyperventilating, snorts, sloppy nose... it wasn't pretty... And sadly it was with him on the phone... great... I don't look pathetic at all... He really doesn't get why I'm upset about this... and I flat out told him it hurts, and despite the fact he thinks that unfriending people on FB is no big deal - it is. They all went out of their way to delete me... like I was the one who did something wrong.
I get the whole families take sides thing... but I guarantee had he given my family the choice that they would not be doing that to him. I really feel like his family is acting rude and immature. They need to realize that we are friendly and ok with each other and it's not a mean hurtful divorce. And the fact that he doesn't understand why I'm taking offense and feeling hurt and upset about it... well... that's just crazy. I was part of that family... I felt included and loved... and the fact they can disown me that fast... well... that's incredibly hurtful. And at some point I will let them know... when I can write a letter without it just being mean.
So after that horrible cry... I had worked myself up to a giant, horrible headache. So, I went home, at dinner with my mom and sister and went to bed... I planned on just watching some Law and Order SVU, but fell asleep for a few hours... then got up and couldn't fall back asleep. I should have submitted my homework assignment before - so that's probably want woke me up the most needing to wake up and get that turned in.
Overall - yesterday was just a craptastic day... and now this morning I'm feeling even worse (sick wise). So at the convincing of a friend I've decided to take a half day and go home and get some rest. She pointed out that stress can really take a toll on your body. And while I didn't think emotion was stress... it really really is. I now believe that the reason I feel worse today is in direct relation to all those dang emotions I stirred up yesterday.
So, roughly two hours from now, I'm peacing out, maybe grabbing some lunch and going home to sleep... I feel crappy for having a pretty wasteful day Monday (although I did do homework and make a yummy dinner), and last night was wasteful... and now today will be another wasted day... but it might be just what I need... after all I have a jam packed weekend that I really want to enjoy.
So lets hope that whatever is going on with my body - sickness wise - just gets better and not worse... I really hate being sick, on top of everything else.
I have been feeling sad lately... I can't really put into words the exact reasons why I'm getting sad... but they have to do with feeling abandoned by the one person I thought would never do that, feeling lied to since he talked to everyone on the planet about our situation before me, and that feeling of everything between us was finally getting good, he finally got the steady job, his schedule was finally becoming firm, we were starting to clean up and do things with the house, pay off debt and his medical issues were finished... so I dealt with all the bad and we were finally entering the good only for me to get dumped...
Anyway... I've been feeling sad about those things among many others that don't make any sense or aren't easily put into words. So when I woke up yesterday... all that crap was still on my mind... and just making me feel like crap... Then I come to work and pretty much realize that I didn't get an interview for a position I should have gotten an interview for. I don't know the reasons and work really rather refrain from talking about work on here... but that just added to my overall bummed attitude.
The final thing that happened was a realization that I had been unfriended on Facebook by every single one of his family members... every one. It really feels like a collective f-you in my opinion. Long story short... I confronted him about it and proceeded to have one of the ugliest cries I've had in a long time. I mean... there was tears, hyperventilating, snorts, sloppy nose... it wasn't pretty... And sadly it was with him on the phone... great... I don't look pathetic at all... He really doesn't get why I'm upset about this... and I flat out told him it hurts, and despite the fact he thinks that unfriending people on FB is no big deal - it is. They all went out of their way to delete me... like I was the one who did something wrong.
I get the whole families take sides thing... but I guarantee had he given my family the choice that they would not be doing that to him. I really feel like his family is acting rude and immature. They need to realize that we are friendly and ok with each other and it's not a mean hurtful divorce. And the fact that he doesn't understand why I'm taking offense and feeling hurt and upset about it... well... that's just crazy. I was part of that family... I felt included and loved... and the fact they can disown me that fast... well... that's incredibly hurtful. And at some point I will let them know... when I can write a letter without it just being mean.
So after that horrible cry... I had worked myself up to a giant, horrible headache. So, I went home, at dinner with my mom and sister and went to bed... I planned on just watching some Law and Order SVU, but fell asleep for a few hours... then got up and couldn't fall back asleep. I should have submitted my homework assignment before - so that's probably want woke me up the most needing to wake up and get that turned in.
Overall - yesterday was just a craptastic day... and now this morning I'm feeling even worse (sick wise). So at the convincing of a friend I've decided to take a half day and go home and get some rest. She pointed out that stress can really take a toll on your body. And while I didn't think emotion was stress... it really really is. I now believe that the reason I feel worse today is in direct relation to all those dang emotions I stirred up yesterday.
So, roughly two hours from now, I'm peacing out, maybe grabbing some lunch and going home to sleep... I feel crappy for having a pretty wasteful day Monday (although I did do homework and make a yummy dinner), and last night was wasteful... and now today will be another wasted day... but it might be just what I need... after all I have a jam packed weekend that I really want to enjoy.
So lets hope that whatever is going on with my body - sickness wise - just gets better and not worse... I really hate being sick, on top of everything else.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
More Sad
In the last week or so, I've definitely hit some sort of sadness... as a post a couple of days pointed out, I think that the reality is really beginning to set in... what this whole situation is and what it really means for me.
I have just felt more sad in general and been wanting to cry more. For some silly reason, I haven't really let myself cry. It either hits me when I'm driving (need to concentrate on the road), when I'm at work (don't want anyone walking in on me), or when I'm talking to random people (don't want to cry in front of them.)
I know it's okay to cry... and honestly, I'm a firm believer in having a good cry every once in awhile... but idk, something about this is different. Maybe I don't want to let myself feel sad... maybe I want to keep up the image that I really am doing ok... I'm not sure...
I do feel fine a lot of the time... so I guess it just comes in waves... which is just frustrating to deal with. And I don't really know what's going to make me sad when. Sometimes, I enjoy hearing about babies, pregnancy, etc... and other times that makes me so incredibly sad.
Luckily I have great family and friends that keep my head above water and help me feel loved and keep me busy. Without them... well, who knows where I'd be. And I do appreciate the continued support because this thing isn't over yet.
But a lot of times, I just don't get what I need... like not that I know what I need, but someone will say something and it's like geez... that makes me feel worse. I know they are trying to be nice and supportive and say the right thing... but wow, I'm crying now b/c of it.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with all of them... obviously I'm just babbling. Today I'm feeling fine and happy and well-adjusted...
Anyway... I'm done with this probably incoherent post...
I have just felt more sad in general and been wanting to cry more. For some silly reason, I haven't really let myself cry. It either hits me when I'm driving (need to concentrate on the road), when I'm at work (don't want anyone walking in on me), or when I'm talking to random people (don't want to cry in front of them.)
I know it's okay to cry... and honestly, I'm a firm believer in having a good cry every once in awhile... but idk, something about this is different. Maybe I don't want to let myself feel sad... maybe I want to keep up the image that I really am doing ok... I'm not sure...
I do feel fine a lot of the time... so I guess it just comes in waves... which is just frustrating to deal with. And I don't really know what's going to make me sad when. Sometimes, I enjoy hearing about babies, pregnancy, etc... and other times that makes me so incredibly sad.
Luckily I have great family and friends that keep my head above water and help me feel loved and keep me busy. Without them... well, who knows where I'd be. And I do appreciate the continued support because this thing isn't over yet.
But a lot of times, I just don't get what I need... like not that I know what I need, but someone will say something and it's like geez... that makes me feel worse. I know they are trying to be nice and supportive and say the right thing... but wow, I'm crying now b/c of it.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with all of them... obviously I'm just babbling. Today I'm feeling fine and happy and well-adjusted...
Anyway... I'm done with this probably incoherent post...
Friday, October 21, 2011
first time
The other day something happened... I knew it was going to happen at some point or another, but I guess I hoped that maybe I would actually get by with it not happening (oh the things we hope for sometimes...)
The other day something happened and I felt angry and upset and I knew that the only person who would really truly understand was him. Up until this point things have happened (mad, sad, happy, mundane, whatever) and I've been able to get someone else to understand... maybe not the first person, but someone along the way has listen, sympathized, whatever and I felt better. You know I like to talk.
Anyway... this thing that happened... there's really not anyone I would want to explain these feelings to... or I would be able to just say what happened and know that the other person would completely understand without me needing to explain myself or judge me for feeling that way... and then that happened. Any my first instinct was he would understand and comfort me.
But I don't have him anymore... it was really one of moments that I knew was going to come, but still hadn't quite been able to prepare myself for. Even though we are separated, we are on good terms and I did text him and hope for the same type of comfort/understanding that I once got. And well... I just didn't get what I needed. Yes, he did understand (better than anyone else could) but it wasn't the full pep talk, comfort, whatever that I got when I was his wife. I mean, I know that it's not his job to make me feel better. He doesn't have to care about my feelings or do anything to make me happy again. He's not the one I can go to for that kind of stuff anymore. And it's probably going to be a very long time before I have that level of comfort with anyone and it's just really sad.
It's sad b/c I'm sad, angry, upset about what happened... and then I'm sad, angry, upset at the realization of what realtionship/connection that I lost. It's like double the emotions for me which is just making everything that much worse. I really hope that someday I get to have someone that close to me again... gosh I so hope... the thing he and I shared was special and I think that some people didn't understand it (which is fine).
I don't know... at this point I'm just rambling hoping that I suddenly feel better... but I'm tired. I had a wonderful night (that I will recap don't you worry) yet this morning I'm feeling sad... probably b/c I'm tired, possibly b/c I'm at work, and there's potentially a hundred other reasons why I'm feeling sad.
I'm just hoping that this too will pass and I feel better... I think I'll go get breakfast... that normally helps
The other day something happened and I felt angry and upset and I knew that the only person who would really truly understand was him. Up until this point things have happened (mad, sad, happy, mundane, whatever) and I've been able to get someone else to understand... maybe not the first person, but someone along the way has listen, sympathized, whatever and I felt better. You know I like to talk.
Anyway... this thing that happened... there's really not anyone I would want to explain these feelings to... or I would be able to just say what happened and know that the other person would completely understand without me needing to explain myself or judge me for feeling that way... and then that happened. Any my first instinct was he would understand and comfort me.
But I don't have him anymore... it was really one of moments that I knew was going to come, but still hadn't quite been able to prepare myself for. Even though we are separated, we are on good terms and I did text him and hope for the same type of comfort/understanding that I once got. And well... I just didn't get what I needed. Yes, he did understand (better than anyone else could) but it wasn't the full pep talk, comfort, whatever that I got when I was his wife. I mean, I know that it's not his job to make me feel better. He doesn't have to care about my feelings or do anything to make me happy again. He's not the one I can go to for that kind of stuff anymore. And it's probably going to be a very long time before I have that level of comfort with anyone and it's just really sad.
It's sad b/c I'm sad, angry, upset about what happened... and then I'm sad, angry, upset at the realization of what realtionship/connection that I lost. It's like double the emotions for me which is just making everything that much worse. I really hope that someday I get to have someone that close to me again... gosh I so hope... the thing he and I shared was special and I think that some people didn't understand it (which is fine).
I don't know... at this point I'm just rambling hoping that I suddenly feel better... but I'm tired. I had a wonderful night (that I will recap don't you worry) yet this morning I'm feeling sad... probably b/c I'm tired, possibly b/c I'm at work, and there's potentially a hundred other reasons why I'm feeling sad.
I'm just hoping that this too will pass and I feel better... I think I'll go get breakfast... that normally helps
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes I get exhausted talking at length about this situation.
Sometimes I get sick of agreeing with people that it really will be ok, and I'll be a stronger person b/c of this
Sometimes I'm tired of acting fine just so I don't make you more sad
Sometimes I want to talk about what's going on, but when I'm done I'm done
Sometimes I don't want to hear how you think he's a horrible person and really I'm better off
Sometimes I just want to talk about normal things
Sometimes I know when you ask 'how are you doing' your just asking about how I'm feeling about the situation today
Sometimes I'm completely fine, and not thinking about it at all
Sometimes the stupidest things are bugging me for no real good reason
Sometimes I don't want to talk
Sometimes I want nothing more than to talk
Sometimes I don't want to hear about your kid or your grandkid b/c it makes me really sad that I'm no where near that experience yet
Sometimes what made me feel ok yesterday just makes me feel worse the next day
Sometimes I want to be left alone
Sometimes I'm just waitinghopingpraying you'll talk to me
All of this to say - it can be dang confusing in my head... sometimes
Sometimes I get sick of agreeing with people that it really will be ok, and I'll be a stronger person b/c of this
Sometimes I'm tired of acting fine just so I don't make you more sad
Sometimes I want to talk about what's going on, but when I'm done I'm done
Sometimes I don't want to hear how you think he's a horrible person and really I'm better off
Sometimes I just want to talk about normal things
Sometimes I know when you ask 'how are you doing' your just asking about how I'm feeling about the situation today
Sometimes I'm completely fine, and not thinking about it at all
Sometimes the stupidest things are bugging me for no real good reason
Sometimes I don't want to talk
Sometimes I want nothing more than to talk
Sometimes I don't want to hear about your kid or your grandkid b/c it makes me really sad that I'm no where near that experience yet
Sometimes what made me feel ok yesterday just makes me feel worse the next day
Sometimes I want to be left alone
Sometimes I'm just waitinghopingpraying you'll talk to me
All of this to say - it can be dang confusing in my head... sometimes
Thursday, October 13, 2011
How you doing?
Well, it's been awhile since I gave an update on me. You can probably assume that the lack of updates are a good thing... and they are... I haven't really had the strong emotions that I needed to get out right now. Sure - they have come at times, but they've gone just as quickly.
Like I mentioned in the move post I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm out of that house. My room at my mom's is slowly coming together... mostly b/c I'm slow at getting stuff done. I promise to share some room photos when I get finished. I think you'll enjoy!
I have been mostly keeping myself busy with friends and family. And of course the Cardinals on this playoff run and certainly helped the mood... it's so freaking exciting watching them win!
The weather in St. Louis has been beeeeeeee-yooooouuuu-TEEEE-fulll latley... so we took advantage of that and went to the winery with some friends. Gorgeous scenary, wonderful weather, tasty food and fabulous company.
Like I mentioned in the move post I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm out of that house. My room at my mom's is slowly coming together... mostly b/c I'm slow at getting stuff done. I promise to share some room photos when I get finished. I think you'll enjoy!
I have been mostly keeping myself busy with friends and family. And of course the Cardinals on this playoff run and certainly helped the mood... it's so freaking exciting watching them win!
The weather in St. Louis has been beeeeeeee-yooooouuuu-TEEEE-fulll latley... so we took advantage of that and went to the winery with some friends. Gorgeous scenary, wonderful weather, tasty food and fabulous company.
On Monday (Columbus day... a very important family holiday indeed) my sister and I walked around the St. Louis zoo. I didn't take any pictures, but we had a good time - saw lots of animals and talked... other than the one last stretch at the end that was killer it was a really fun day.
So that's the very brief of what's been going on with me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
The Move
Honestly, I have not felt like writing about the move. It's not that it wasn't emotional... because it really was, especially saying goodbye to the dogs who I couldn't explain any of this to.
But I'm feeling fine. I'm in my new room (not quite put together yet)... and I felt like writing all about the move would just stir up all those emotions that really if I was feeling fine why should I dwell on them.
I also feel like me writing about my honest and full emotions could help someone at some point in time... so part of me has thought about writing about the weekend for that purpose.
In the end, I don't really want to talk about it. It was very hard... I was holding back tears the entire weekend, but being out of that house has actually made it easier on me. I'm feeling better... it's probably a lot easier than staying in that house with all the memories of us together.
I'm slowly setting up my new room... painted the dresser Monday and yesterday and hopefully it can be moved into place tonight (so I can finally start getting all my clothes into one room... that would be nice)
I do really really appreciate all the people that helped pack and move me... it went really smoothly b/c of everyone. They helped me stay upbeat and got me out of there quickly. Thankfully I have good friends and family that support me.
So, in conclusion... moving was difficult but I really think it's for the best.
But I'm feeling fine. I'm in my new room (not quite put together yet)... and I felt like writing all about the move would just stir up all those emotions that really if I was feeling fine why should I dwell on them.
I also feel like me writing about my honest and full emotions could help someone at some point in time... so part of me has thought about writing about the weekend for that purpose.
In the end, I don't really want to talk about it. It was very hard... I was holding back tears the entire weekend, but being out of that house has actually made it easier on me. I'm feeling better... it's probably a lot easier than staying in that house with all the memories of us together.
I'm slowly setting up my new room... painted the dresser Monday and yesterday and hopefully it can be moved into place tonight (so I can finally start getting all my clothes into one room... that would be nice)
I do really really appreciate all the people that helped pack and move me... it went really smoothly b/c of everyone. They helped me stay upbeat and got me out of there quickly. Thankfully I have good friends and family that support me.
So, in conclusion... moving was difficult but I really think it's for the best.
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