If I could have anything for my birthday

 This post is sad to me... really sad...

I have to find a new home for my cats...  there I said it.

Dan and I would like to move in together, and in order to do that I have to find a new home for my cats.  It makes me so unbelievably sad.  I've had both of them since they were kittens and they love me so much and I love them... but it's just not possible (trust me I've thought through all of the possible ways)

We had thought about renting a house, and with more space I was hopeful that we could figure out a way to make it work... since the issue is his dogs are aggressive with cats.  I hoped that with time and desensitization that it could be possible for everyone to live in the same home.  I have since realized that we'll never be able to trust the dogs and the cats together... and would I really want to put my sweet kitties in a situation where they might die?

Past that the house thing isn't going to work out and we are on the waiting list for a 2-bedroom apartment in the complex he currently lives in.  I just can't see four animals in a 2-bedroom apartment... five if you include the new bird... so I know that just isn't going to work... and it makes me so sad.

I could tell you just how sad and how it makes me me start crying when I really think about it.  Or how it's hard to be around them knowing that I'm going to have to give them to someone else... Ugh... no need to bask in that sadness...

The thing if I'm hashed and re-hashed potential situations of where they could go... but there's just not a clear solution... people are either allergic, already have animals or just don't like cats... and it sucks.  It sucks I can't take them it sucks they have no where to go... it just plain sucks.

The absolute last thing I want to do is leave them at a shelter... that would be horribly awful... I just can't...

So that's what it is... I have no solution...and it just constantly makes me sad.  I am so excited to move in with Dan.  I'm excited to live with him and I'm excited to have my stuff out of storage!  I'm hopeful about living together... this cat thing just weighs very heavy on that... and it's my own fault.

So going back to the title of the post... If I could have anything for my birthday it would be a solution for the cats.  A loving place for them that just makes sense.  That's what I want for my birthday and nothing else... it's weird how serious I am about that.  So if anyone has any ideas...

It's all over

Just like being done with school there’s another thing that’s come to an end officially… and that’s my marriage.

As of a couple of weeks ago I am officially divorced.

I really thought at the beginning of all of this that I would have more to say when it was all official… but it turns out I don’t.

I wouldn’t say I’m sad… I wouldn’t say I’m happy… I am just kind of ‘eh’ about the entire thing.  I mean, I guess in the end the big stuff has already happened and this is just putting the period at the end of the sentence finally.   That actually makes it sound bigger than it is…

Either way… it’s officially done.  We are divorced and that’s that.  I’m not really going to say much more about it, because most of what I’ve wanted/needed to say I’ve said.  But if you have any questions on the specifics, I’d be happy to answer them.

I will say this, mostly b/c it’s come up a couple of time.  I’ve decided to stick with my married last name of Jones.  I considered going back, but honestly changing your name is such a PITA and I didn’t really want to do it.  Also, at work, people here have always known me as Jones.  I also work on a national level so going to a new-to-them last name would probably be confusing and people would probably assume I got married and not the opposite.  Could it be done?  Sure, I just chose to not to.  If I ever get married again, I will take on their last name… most likely.  So that’s what that is.

I just didn’t think it was right to drone on and on about this break up in the beginning and at least not clue you in on the end. 

RIP Grandma

Yesterday the world lost a wonderful woman... my grandma.  She lived to the young age of 93.  Even at that old age she still had a very sharp mind.  She was such a sweet woman, who I have a lot of wonderful memories about.  My grandma and grandpa lived out in Cuba, MO.  Each summer my brother and I would spend a week in "the country" with them.  What I remember most about those weeks was playing cards with her for endless hours, walking up the the local convenient store to buy candy each day, picking vegetables out of the garden, and her making us pancakes in the morning.  She would make the pancakes into fun shapes... she would try to make us anything we could come up with...

My grandma had quite a few health issues over the years but always fought back and made it through.  She was a fighter.  And due to that, it's really hard to picture a world without her.  I am so happy that just a few weeks ago my brother, dad and I went out and spent some time with her.  I had good conversations with her and while she couldn't see, bit hard of hearing and moved slow - she still had a very sharp mind.  I am so happy I got to spend this time with her.  It's something I will treasure forever.

I'm going to miss my grandma.  November for me is the month to lose loved ones.  Fourteen years ago we lost my dear uncle Steve and ten years ago we lost my Grandpa.  I miss them everyday and I'll now miss my grandma too.  I've wanted to write about Steve and Grandpa, but I don't feel like I'm good enough with words to express how I feel.

I'm sad... I can't believe she's gone.  Grandma... I love you.  You lived a long, beautiful life.  You will be missed by me and everyone who knew you. 

Here's a link to her obituary in case you are interested.

And finally - here is a picture I took with her about three years ago

Yesterday Sucked

I have been getting progressively sicker the last couple of days.  What started as allergies has turned into a head cold full of stuffiness, sore throat, running nose, sneezing and coughing.  And I think I made it all so much worse yesterday by getting myself all emotional and sad.

I have been feeling sad lately... I can't really put into words the exact reasons why I'm getting sad... but they have to do with feeling abandoned by the one person I thought would never do that, feeling lied to since he talked to everyone on the planet about our situation before me, and that feeling of everything between us was finally getting good, he finally got the steady job, his schedule was finally becoming firm, we were starting to clean up and do things with the house, pay off debt and his medical issues were finished... so I dealt with all the bad and we were finally entering the good only for me to get dumped...

Anyway... I've been feeling sad about those things among many others that don't make any sense or aren't easily put into words.  So when I woke up yesterday... all that crap was still on my mind... and just making me feel like crap...  Then I come to work and pretty much realize that I didn't get an interview for a position I should have gotten an interview for.  I don't know the reasons and work really rather refrain from talking about work on here... but that just added to my overall bummed attitude.

The final thing that happened was a realization that I had been unfriended on Facebook by every single one of his family members... every one.  It really feels like a collective f-you in my opinion.  Long story short... I confronted him about it and proceeded to have one of the ugliest cries I've had in a long time.  I mean... there was tears, hyperventilating, snorts, sloppy nose... it wasn't pretty...  And sadly it was with him on the phone... great... I don't look pathetic at all...  He really doesn't get why I'm upset about this... and I flat out told him it hurts, and despite the fact he thinks that unfriending people on FB is no big deal - it is.  They all went out of their way to delete me... like I was the one who did something wrong.

I get the whole families take sides thing... but I guarantee had he given my family the choice that they would not be doing that to him.  I really feel like his family is acting rude and immature.  They need to realize that we are friendly and ok with each other and it's not a mean hurtful divorce.  And the fact that he doesn't understand why I'm taking offense and feeling hurt and upset about it... well... that's just crazy.  I was part of that family... I felt included and loved... and the fact they can disown me that fast... well... that's incredibly hurtful.  And at some point I will let them know... when I can write a letter without it just being mean.

So after that horrible cry... I had worked myself up to a giant, horrible headache.  So, I went home, at dinner with my mom and sister and went to bed... I planned on just watching some Law and Order SVU, but fell asleep for a few hours... then got up and couldn't fall back asleep.  I should have submitted my homework assignment before - so that's probably want woke me up the most needing to wake up and get that turned in.

Overall - yesterday was just a craptastic day... and now this morning I'm feeling even worse (sick wise).  So at the convincing of a friend I've decided to take a half day and go home and get some rest.  She pointed out that stress can really take a toll on your body.  And while I didn't think emotion was stress... it really really is.  I now believe that the reason I feel worse today is in direct relation to all those dang emotions I stirred up yesterday.

So, roughly two hours from now, I'm peacing out, maybe grabbing some lunch and going home to sleep... I feel crappy for having a pretty wasteful day Monday (although I did do homework and make a yummy dinner), and last night was wasteful... and now today will be another wasted day... but it might be just what I need... after all I have a jam packed weekend that I really want to enjoy.

So lets hope that whatever is going on with my body - sickness wise - just gets better and not worse... I really hate being sick, on top of everything else.

Feeling Crazy

Like I said in my last post, I just want to use the blog as an outlet for things I'm really feeling.  I know that some of this stuff sounds crazy... but I don't care... I want to say what I feel...

I am sad once again today.  Last night was a lot rougher than I expected it to be.  Part of me really feels like he shouldn't be getting any support for this.  People should not be telling him this is the right decision.  People should stop being his friends b/c he obviously f-ing up so badly.  I mean, isn't it obvious to anyone else?

Why is he putting me through this... why is he allowed to go out and have fun on his birthday... he shouldn't... he shouldn't be having fun, he should be crying and realizing that he no longer gets me in his life and he should be fighting to get me back.

Yesterday was tough... last night when he wasn't there when I got home.  I decided to text him happy birthday, b/c well... I thought it was the right thing to do... and he responded with Thx... three effing letters.  That's all I get... you can't even type out the whole effing word??  The peeved me off.

But really I'm sad... I am sad... I'm sad I wasn't a part of it, that I never will get to be again.  I'm sad at the lack of support I so hoped from some people.  I know it puts some people in a tough spot... but a single text or comment would mean so much to me.  Acknowledging that I'm going through a rough time.

And he's been avoiding me... actively avoiding me.  It's makes me feel like I'm the problem.  Like he can't stand the look of me or something.  I know he's just being dumb, and just yesterday I was priding myself on the fact that I wasn't changing my routine just so I didn't have to see him and how immature that it was that he was doing that.

He's just so dumb... so immature... so rash in all these decisions.  My mom said something that really made sense yesterday.  I was telling her about how I was upset that he went and deleted all my friends and family from his Facebook page... and how I thought it was too quick and if we were really going to stay friendly (which he wants) that he shouldn't have done something so stupid so quickly, that other people can decide if they want to stay his friend, he shouldn't have to make that decision for everyone.  And she said that he is acting out of fear and he was pulling the plug before the plug could get pulled on him.  And she's right, he's pulling the plug on this marriage, on our friends, on our whole life together.

He wants to act all high and mightly like he's doing me a favor or something... but he's not... he's not doing me a favor...

What Happened

I think I may be ready to put out there what happened.  I have told a lot of my friends (who are my friends first...) and my family all knows. 

Last Wednesday around 4:30 (it's funny how these will be the things that will live vividly in my mind, possibly forever.) he texted me that we needed to talk.  I asked about what and he said to just call after I got off work.  When I called after I got home from work he asked me to come have dinner with him because what he had to say should be done in person.  I told him no, that he needed to tell me now... and then he dropped the bomb... he doesn't want to have kids... ever.

I seriously cannot believe that he would drop something like this over the phone, while at work.  I mean don't you think that should be something he should say in person?!?

I want to have kids, I've never kept this a secret from him.  I know that when I look back on my life I want kids in it... or at the very very least the possibly of kids.

We've talked about this before and he knew that saying those words would essentially end our relationship... I want kids.  The weird thing, is he pretty much told me told me that and that our relationship was over.  We both knew...

He has been telling me this entire time we could have kids.  We had even talked recently about trying at the end of next year when I was finished with school and we had paid down some debt.  I didn't see this new turn of events at all.  He led me on (which he admits)

I am so heart broken and sad and devastated and sad.  I just can't believe this is the new reality.  I can't believe it's over.  I asked him to try to go to counseling or take some time apart before we jump to any rash decisions... but he won't do it.  He refuses to go to counseling.

He made this decision on his own, didn't include me in it at all... it's what he does sometimes... just thinks about himself and does things on his terms.  I just can't believe he's throwing this whole marriage away in such a short time.  I mean... he's ready to jump to divorce... already. 

My friends and family have been great.  I am so thankful for them.  Not everyone knows yet, like people that are friends with both of us.  I'm not sure how telling them will go.

I feel like this post doesn't capture the fullness of the situation... the fullness of what I'm feeling... everyone I've told is in shock and speechless... as am I.  I just don't understand why this is happening... and the quickness it's happening at I just can't comprehend...

I will be moving out... not exactly sure when, but I will be moving back home for awhile.  I'll be able to save some money and pay off some debt.  We've talk about splitting up the bills and such.  I can't believe a week ago everything was fine and now I have to think about packing and moving out of my home.

I think that's all I can write for now...

Another Day

I'm feeling like these short posts might be helping.  Who knows if they actually are...

Thus far today has been a better day... I haven't broken down and cried yet today... I mean, that's not to say it won't happen.

We talked today... I was worried that it could turn heated, but it was all civil and I feel like we came to some good decisions.

I think I'm really numb right now... and I think I'm in a fair amount of denial.  I was telling my friend that I thought I was... and she told me something that made sense... that it's okay to be in denial... why sit there and think about the whole weight of the situation as long as you're doing the things you need to do.

I will say I have this weight in my chest... it's like I can't get a full breath... I have to really concentrate and breathe deeply in order to get a fully breath...

My friend is going to help me find a counselor... so I'm going to make an appointment that that sometime to this week... Hopefully that will help things...

My friends have really come through for me... and I imagine they will continue to do so.  It's so hard for me to ask for help sometimes or tell them that I need to be around them.  I know I need to use this at this time... help me, be around me, just help me feel normal.

Thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it... I need it

This Morning

This morning was really tough... I actually thought I was doing okay... I mean the crying had subsided a bit... but this morning... it came on like a wave like no other.  I cried, sobbed, hyperventilated, and cried some more.

I don't know what it was about this morning... I had looked on Facebook only to see happy posts from happy people living lives they haven't been completely turned upside-down.  At one point this morning I looked into the mirror... I really looked at myself in the mirror... I don't think I've looked at myself since Wednesday... I'm not sure what looking at myself has anything to do with anything... but I broke down.

I also was about to get in the shower and I just crumbled... I crumbled to the floor and sobbed... it was like I just couldn't stand... I wanted to lay on the floor... but I forced myself to get up.

After those to two breakdowns I just wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it to work... but I forced myself.  I made myself get in the shower, I made myself get dressed and I made myself go to work. 

And you know what?  After all that crying and worrying... I was fine.  I lived. I survived.  I made it through the day.  I got better.  I can do this... I can do this... I CAN DO THIS.

I will be brave... I will survive and I will come out of this a better more competent person.

I'm going to have more morning like this... and I know it's going to be awhile before I'm okay... but I will get there... time heals all wounds...  so where's the fast forward button?

Sad

I am sad... I am only about 24 hours into this new reality and I am so sad.  I don't even know how much more pain, hurt, and sadness is around the corner... I won't know until I get there.

I don't know where my life is going to go from here... it's going to be completely different than it's been... and that's so so scary.  I have no clue how things will turn out.  I'm back at square one.

All I know is as of yesterday my whole life changed.  My heart is broken and life as I knew it is crumbling before my very eyes.

I know I will be okay, and this just wasn't the life path for me... but it's sad... so very very sad.  Life as I pictured it will not happen. 

I'm sad about so many things... the things I'm losing... its effect on other people... losing my best friend.

I would have never pictured myself in this situation... never... but here I am.  It's the reality that I'm faced with and I have no other choice than to stand up for myself and deal with it.  Find a way to make myself happy... rely on my amazing friends and family.

One moment everything is fine and the next... well... you don't know what tomorrow holds...

But losing my best friend... that's the worst... the absolute worst...

**I know this post might not make sense to most people right now... but I'll give details when I'm ready... I'm not ready yet and I'm not sure when I will be.

Today is my birthday

Today is the big day and I am sad. I'm not exactly sure why I am sad, but I am. I don't think it is very good to be sad on your birthday. I think a lot of it has to do with last night.

Yesterday during the day I had a really nice day. I went shopping with my Grandma, mom, Lindsey and my aunt Ruth. (I'll write a separate happy post about that with pictures) So yesterday started out good.

Last night we were having a party for my birthday... my golden birthday... but it snowed yesterday... and not very many people showed up. It was kinda crazy that it snowed like it did. It was quite a bit... pretty unreal if you ask me...

I'm really happy the people who did show up (Jen, Carrie, Liz, her b/f Ken, Dave, his girl Christine, Keith and Sarah) but I'm sad about the people who didn't show up. I really think people used the snow as a convenient excuse not to come. Some people were coming from the north. The thing is yesterday, due to the shopping trip, I was north, south, and west yesterday. I know what the roads looked liked in those areas of the city. So I know that it was possible to come and it was a choice that people didn't. Maybe I'm setting my expectations too high, but it's things like this that make me wonder the caliber of friends I have. Honestly, I probably have my expectations too high, but I'm sad... bottom line: I really feel let down.

Chad asked who I wanted to come that didn't... honestly I don't really feel the need to name names and it's more that no one really came.

I really think this is a deeper issue than just last night. Lately I've been feeling sad about our friends, as in Chad and my friends. Some things recently have happened that have opened our eyes to who our friends are and how shit-tastic some of them have been. I sometimes wonder if Chad and I are doing something wrong, if somehow we are pushing people away. If maybe some friends think we're just that old married couple that doesn't do anything. It's true, we don't go out as much as others, but that's because we don't feel the need to drink all the time. We don't want to waste our hard earned money on booze... we have better ways to spend the money. I guess we're just having a disconnect with a lot of people we've hung around for awhile.

I guess we really need more mature friends. Chad has begun to hang out with his motorcycle friends. They have been nice to be around... I mean they were so supportive of Chad during his surgery. They just seem more grown up and fun and can actually make and keep plans. But that's probably a topic from another day.

I really think that last night was just another nail in the coffin or something like that (I'm not feeling that creative right now) I just needed to get a lot of this off my chest. It made me cry last night and again this morning, I need to do something to get out of this funk. I need to concentrate on the fact I had some good, true friends show up. And I'm happy they did. We had a good time and honestly I like smaller get togethers anyway... I like the people that showed up and we got to play some drinking games. They made me feel special and make me happy. And so I'm going to end this post on a happy note. I'll hopefully be back later today with an even happier post about my shopping trip with family.

Blah

I'm hoping that writing will help. I've been feeling anxious all week for a bunch of random stupid things, but tonight I'm really thinking about one of them. I have finally made the decision to move forward with grad school. I know that I need to get a masters to really get ahead at work and honestly I'm really excited about the degree program and the classes. What also helps is Chad is working a new schedule and I have some alone time that I really could be productive instead of milling around the house watching America's Next Top Model marathons.

I've decided that going through University of Phoenix would really work for me. They do not require me taking the GRE and my GPA is acceptable (which sadly is a concern for me.) The program is also completely online which works well since traveling is part of my job. I had talked to them back in December and decided that it really wasn't the right time. I am very excited to start and sadly right now the program isn't available in Missouri. The basicness of it is every state must 'sign off' on the programs saying they meet the regulation and blah blah blah. There is no ETA for when it will be available again.

I am really disappointed. There are probably other schools that would work... but I feel at a stand-still. I'm really not sure where to look and the other programs that I've look at (very briefly I will say) look scary for lack of a better word. I know I need to do more research but as with some things I feel very overwhelmed about it right now. It's just really been bothering me. It's been on my mind. I keep kicking myself for not starting the program earlier when it was offered instead of now. I'm mad at myself... and sometime I have a hard time letting go... not beating myself up about it. So any ideas? I know UMSL has a program that I plan on looking into more tomorrow... I need to call the University of Phoenix person back. He said it could be weeks or months...

I just don't know. Blah... work has also been pretty annoying lately. I don't want it to sound like I'm sad and pathetic but these last few weeks have just gotten to me more than ever and this education thing doesn't help. I just need to burn off some nerves, and I haven't gotten very good at knowing how to do that. I think I'm going to force myself to paint tonight... maybe that will also help to focus myself on a project. Yeah, maybe a project in general will be a good idea.

Maybe it will all work itself out... I guess let's hope for that...

::sad face::

I am so over this week... this week has not been fun...

I've started writing this post several times in the last week or so but I don't feel like I've been able to describe it correctly... I'm not sure if some would even understand unless they have knowledge of the government's hiring processes.

The basic-ness is there was a promotion available which I feel like I'm perfect for (among lots of other people) and I didn't make it to the interviews b/c my previous job experience didn't qualify me. I completely don't agree with this. It doesn't help that people who have been here less time (ie a temp whose been here about a month) got interview. I am the best candidate for this position... and I'm not stuttering when I say this sentence. I am the best candidate. It completely sucks... I am so mad and disappointed and upset.

It doesn't help that people here maybe expected me to get it... or at least get an interview... so I have to keep telling the story (b/c that's who I am)... everyone agrees that it's bs and some tend to get a little agitated by it, which is nice they feel the same way, but I'm just sick of it... I want the whole situation to go away... which it won't b/c someone will be getting that position, and it's one that I'll interact with on a daily basis. I'm just mad and sad and disappointed and upset. It's just the politics around here sometimes become draining...

With all of that being said... I am really happy where I'm at... I come into work happy (except this week) and I leave happy... I'm happy to know I'm making a difference and that I'm really good at my job. I'm knowledgeable and liked. I love the people I work with and this place is so amazing. I'm incredibly happy and lucky to have a job here.

So anywho... chili and Survivor tonight, that's a happy thing.

I feel stupid

I really really hope I didn't make an ass out of myself on Saturday night...

Who dun it?

A few hours ago Chad burst into the the living room from the backyard fuming mad... This is possibly the maddest I've seen Chad. I asked what was wrong... and he explained to me that he just pulled a pellet out of Rowdy. Someone shot a pellet gun at our dog. He decided to go talk to the neighbors he thinks may be responsible for it. They admitted to having a BB gun, but not a pellet gun. Chad thinks it's them b/c their youngest son has taunted (and other things) our dogs in the past. Rowdy is just fine... still wanting to play fetch and he's acting completely normal, but he does have a spot on his chest where he got shot...

We decided to call the cops just to document the incident, in case something else happens in the future. Someone came out and took the account of events. Hopefully this is just a fluke accident... I don't want to believe that someone is harming our dog on purpose. But if someone is hurting our dog, I hope we find out about it and justice can be done...

Here are some pictures...
Here's Chad laying on our couch with Rowdy... this was taken earlier this week.

Here's his wound
Another picture of it
Here you can see the location of the wound
He's such a good dog... so sweet and kind... wouldn't hurt a fly
Another picture b/c well... he's freaking adorableHe looks silly here...

Here's the pellet Chad pulled out of him
A close up
And this is just a random picture... we had chili earlier this week... and how delicious does this look... mmm... I want it again!!

:(

I don't normally write sad posts... and yesterday I did... it was something on my mind and I just had to write it...

Well... I'm sorry to say that this is going to be another sad(ish) post as well.

Today I have felt... off... It happened sometime in the afternoon today and I just can't shake the feeling... the only time I was able to was the (short) time I spent Chad...

I'm just feeling sad and not myself... I do not get this way very often, so it's very strange... I am a very happy person... I can usually be positive when no one else can... but today I've just been sad... and I just cannot figure out why.

I'm hoping that I wake up tomorrow in a better mood, but now my sadness is mixed with guiltiness... I was suppose to go to softball tonight and at the very end of the day I canceled, I just did not want to go... I didn't really want to do anything...

Even tonight I walked around the house with nothing to do... I felt almost lost... I ended up cleaning the kitchen counters and sink (the last two things on the cleaning schedule today)

These words are probably making it seem a lot worse than it actually was... I mean there was a bright side to the day, the time I spent with Chad... he even made one of my favorite meals... grilled cheese and tomato soup... but after he left for work the sadness came back.

Anyway I debated all night to put my feelings into words and as I lay here in bed with Rowdy sleeping at my feet and Bozley under the bed (silly dog could sleep up here but she prefers down there)

Hopefully tomorrow will be a productive guilt free day... I just really don't want to hear crap about not going to softball... and maybe they will actually move me tomorrow... that would be cool

Thank you all for reading my blog and for caring about me!!

Petty

Do you ever feel like you're being really petty about something... but you just don't care? I've been feeling that way a lot lately... I have a feeling it's something that's going to continue for the next month.

Whenever the story comes out of my mouth I feel like people are probably judging me... thinking I'm being stupid and petty... but I can't help myself, I'm upset. It still gets under my skin and just crawls...

I really try to get myself to not care... to remind myself that they get to make their own decisions in life... that's not something can control... nor should I be able to... yet that doesn't stop me from being hurt.

The next month is just going to be a constant reminder of that and I knew it was going to be this way... I knew that the closer it got the more hurt I would end up feeling.

I know that people say they understand what I'm feeling but I sometimes wonder if they just say that or they really mean that... I know that Chad understands what I'm feeling... and a few others, but the other people that ask, I just don't know if they understand.

I'm dreading that trip... it's sad that I have to dread spending time with my family that I love and are a lot of fun, but I am... I know that weekend will be a hard one for me...

People have said well... you're the bigger person... but that really doesn't make me feel any better... that actually makes me question why I ALWAYS feel like I'm "being the better person" Why doesn't that ever pay off... like being rewarded for being the better person.

So I know I'm being petty... I know that I'm feeling hurt... I know that I will survive... I know there's nothing I can do about it... and that I'm the only person who can make myself feel better

But sadly her decision is one that can never ever be taken back... and it's something that will follow my opinion of her for the rest of our lives...

Is it yes or no...

Okay... maybe I spoke too soon

B/c when I got to work this morning I had an email informing me not to make travel plans yet as I might not be able to go now...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I'll be sure to keep you posted.

You'd Never Expect It

It's amazing what can happen... I mean you get up and go to work in the morning, expecting to come home from work and watch Survivor with your adorable husband... and then on your way home from work everything changes...

Alright... I'll start at the beginning.

Thursday night I was on my way home from work when my phone rings with an unknown number. I don't know about you guys, but I rarely ever answer a call from an unknown number... but I did this particular time. It was Chad. He informed me that he was in a motorcycle accident and my mind start to race. I asked him if he was okay and he said no, which freaked me out more... he said that he was sure he broke his collar bone but seemed pretty distracted and said he needed to go. Before he went I was able to gather a general location of where he could be, so I headed that direction.

Soon there after I got another call from a guy he was riding with. He was able to give me a better idea of where the accident had taken place and that they would take care of the bike (which is good b/c I don't know what I would have done) and they informed me that an ambulance would take Chad to the hospital. So I told them I would go ahead and head to the hospital.

I got to Barnes-Jewish shortly after he arrived there... and was taken to his room. He was there on the bed still on a back-board and in a neck brace... they were cutting off all his clothing. I was able to finally talk to him. He seemed to be able to have a good conversation with me... of course I was freaking out but being able to see and talk to him I knew that he was going to be okay.

I was able to hear what happened to him. He was in the right hand lane and a car came over two lanes and almost hit him (we guessed he didn't even see him there) so Chad took the exit ramp, however the ramp made a hard right, and he was going too fast. He hit the brakes and hit the guard-rail... he doesn't remember what happened after that but he woke up on the ground. No one really saw the accident and the car that ran him off the road did not stop...

Over the new few hours he had to get a CAT scan and x-rays of several different places. The ER staff was very thorough... they came back after awhile with the results...

Two doctors came into the room and shut the door. They said that he did have a broken collar bone and nothing else seemed to be wrong with the accident... however during his CAT scan something came up... they found a large mass on the back of his brain. After further review we found out in was a tumor... Chad has a brain tumor.

I was a little freaked out but Chad took the news very well. We found out that he was not cancerous and has probably been there for awhile. Chad has not been experiencing any of the symptoms that come with this type of growth. They wanted Chad to get an MRI so they could look at it more.

They kept Chad all night... and we had to wait most of the day Friday to talk to a neuro-surgeon. He found out the technical name for it: hemangioblastoma. Out of all the brain tumors you could have, this is the one you'd want... however they are wanting to remove it. We are going to meet with a neurosurgeon in the next couple of weeks to get more details.

After our meeting with the doc, Chad was discharged. I was so happy to be taking him home. In the end... It was probably good that we found this, although they say he could have gone his entire life without any problems (but if he did have problems they would be major.)

We're going to take this one step at a time... Chad is in very good spirits. This all could have been so much worse and he is very lucky that he came out like this. His bike actually looks better than expected. His helmet did save his life. He is always very good about wearing his gear and this is exactly why.

So we are okay... I'll keep everyone posted on what's up with my baby... but for now we are just going to handle this as it comes.

I love him very much and something like this makes you realize just how much you can love a person.

RIP Bear

We had to put our Bear to sleep yesterday.

After Wednesday's surgery Bear seemed to be getting better, he started eating a bit of food and drinking... he even managed to have a BM... But on Friday he started to look worse... on Saturday Chad took him to the vet (I had to work :( ) The vet said that his intestine was leaking and they offered to do surgery free of charge... they called in the other vet and preform emergency surgery on him. He made it through the surgery... but his prognosis was not looking good. He slept through the night and seemed to be in better spirits Sunday... drinking and even eating a bit... but by Monday he was back to worse... Chad took him to the vet, and we both knew what was going to happen... he wouldn't be able to endure another surgery, and not sure we'd want to put him through that anyway... We had to put Bear to sleep.

Our poor puppy... he was only 5 months old but left such an impression on my heart. I've never met a sweeter dog. I'm really really going to miss him. I know he's not suffering now... and don't all dogs go to heaven?

I have to get this off my mind

Here comes a not happy, chipper entry… not one where I talk about reality TV or little random thing in my life… this one is real and meaningful… I am hurt… there’s no other way to describe the feeling I feel… maybe some others would call it ‘selfish’ or ‘resentment’ or something… but that’s not how I feel… when I look at it openly and honestly the only conclusion I can come to is hurt… as much as I try to get over this and this feeling I can’t… I push it to the back of my brain and move on for daily activities but when it catches my mind again all I can feel is hurt…

After I got engaged Chad and I started to pick who would our attendants. For me this was slightly tough… I had four that were for sure… I had two people that I was choosing between a step-sister, A and a new friend (one I was quickly becoming very close with.) for the last spot (6 bridesmaids to me seemed like too many) I pondered over the two. While I really wanted the friend I knew if I didn’t pick A it might be rough… her and I were never the closest, but in recent years we were becoming closer and if I asked her to be in the wedding then this could be a great opportunity to become even closer. I also wanted her sister in mine (my other step-sister, R) whom I was much closer too and I though it would be weird to have one but not the other. So in end I asking A. I also asked the friend b/c it was my wedding and I should have whoever I wanted regardless of how crazy 6 bridesmaids were. So I added an extra spot in order to make everyone (including myself) happy. I’m very glad I did this.

A got engaged over the summer and when it came to choose bridesmaids I was not chosen. If she had had only a couple of bm’s I would have understood me not being picked… but this isn’t the case. Upon further review I found out that there would be 5 bridesmaids. The last spot (supposedly) came down to me and her friend from high school. I was not the one picked. This eats me up inside b/c it was THE SAME SITUATION and there happens to be two different outcomes. I thought so long and hard about my decision and I feel like I didn’t get the same respect. I know that brides should get to pick whoever they want and just b/c someone is in my wedding does NOT mean I have to be in theirs. I find this situation slightly different b/c its family not a friend. I am hurt… I am very hurt.

I found out about all of this about two weeks before my wedding. I wrote my dad an email and we had a talk about it… it sounds like my other step-sister, R, him, and from what I can understand my step-mom are disappointed in her choice. This does not make me feel any better… The more I think about it I think it’s important to have your family be part of your wedding over friends. Family will always be there… period. Friends come and go… chances are you may not be friends with those people years from now but your family will still be there. After I had the talk with my dad she tried to call me. I guess to explain herself… I did not pick up the call. I wrote her an email the next day saying I didn’t care or want to hear what her excuse was that I wanted to enjoy my wedding b/c that’s the important part. And she granted my wishes.

I don’t want anything to do with this wedding… I barely even want to go… (I know just how awful that sounds but it’s the truth.) I know I have to go… that’s not even the question. But it’s been over a month since all of this happened and I’m just as hurt if not more. I don’t want to go to any of the wedding stuff. I know that I’m going to feel just as hurt (if not even more) when the events come around and I know I’ll feel really bad when the actual wedding comes around. I want to be happy and excited about it all, but I can’t and I don’t foresee me being happy. It sucks that I can’t just get over this feeling but it’s very strong. I’m serious… I REALLY wish I could be happy for her and ask her wedding questions and help out (b/c I’m still in wedding mode) but I’m not going to do it. I really really wish I could be excited.

I am hurt there’s no question about it… the crazy thing in all of this is I knew she wouldn’t choose me, yet b/c I got married before her I was the one who choose first.

How do I get past this? How do I get excited? Is it even possible? I’m probably not going to be fun to be around at whole family things at his house… Thanksgiving and Christmas… is there any ‘happy pill’ I can take?

I am so vindictive sometimes {I edited out what I want to do}… grrr… I do want to be happy but I don’t know how to be not hurt…