Full Mind

Have you ever had a lot on you mind but nothing at the same time?  It feels like my mind is going over a lot, but at the same time I don't really have much to say about it.

I even tried to write out some of the things I was thinking about and I couldn't get much past two sentences...  I even wrote these things on regular paper thinking that it might not be blog worthy or something I even wanted to share... but nothing

I've thought about texting a friend to talk, but realizing that I really don't have much to say.

It's just strange.  I'm not really sure what I want to say.  I thought it might have something to do with Thanksgiving being yesterday and the first holiday without him... but I'm honestly not sure it has anything to do with that.

The thing is I don't know what it has to deal with.  I'm feeling slightly anxious and either I don't know why or I don't want to admit why to myself... I mean that kind of thing has happened before.

I do know it does have something to do with this divorce.  I was talking to a new person on Wednesday night and I didn't want to admit that I was getting a divorce.  I think that's two fold... that I enjoy having conversation with people that just flat out don't know... it's a nice change of pace from the emotional conversations and the telling 'how are you doing?' questions.  The other reason is I am somewhat embarrassed by the fact I'm getting a divorce.  I either don't want to explain the reason or the fact I'm 27 or that it only lasted 3 years and all of that.  It just sucks... and I don't feel like it's a good representation of myself or whatever.

I don't know... a lot of times I feel fine with everything and as soon as I'm really believing I'm fine, I get all sad all over again.  It's like a freaking switch or something and I'm just starting to get annoyed by these drastic mood changes.  It's just frustrating.  I know that I have to go through all this to get better, but it just sucks in the mean time.  It just flat out sucks.

But these are just a few things that are stuck up in my full head... I hope this post makes me feel a bit better... I just want to feel happy more... and not feel so sad at the drop of a hat.  I feel like I can be totally fine one second and the next my eyes are welled up with tears because I'm sad.  I'm pretty sure this is normal, but that doesn't make it any better or easier or whatever.

I'm just ready to be there... I guess... I don't know... (this post has taken a weird turn... sorry... it's funny how things can spill out once you get going... you can probably read my emotions turning throughout a post... might not be the easiest read, but it's honest!)

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like I'm sad all the time, because I'm really not.  Just sometimes and the fact it comes out of no where just doesn't help.  And some of the things that make me sad are just unavoidable... so it's hard to separate myself from everything that will make me upset.

I'm really mostly happy... my friends make me happy, my family makes me happy, the things I've gotten to do since this all went down have made me happy, even the new adventure I get to go on makes me happy at times (new apartment someday, a house, a first kiss, meeting new guys that might even be BETTER for me, new friends, getting to plan things, my own budget and money, being debt free (besides the students loans which I don't count), etc) so it's not like everything sucks... it's just that I'm emotional... and that in itself sucks.

Okay, I feel like I've really babbled on quite enough for this post.  Hopefully sometime in the next few posts I'll have a recipe to share... as long as everything goes well!