There has been this feeling I've been feeling most of the weekend... but it's just not something I'm comfortable posting on this blog in full detail. I'm going to try to write about what I feel comfortable saying, but I'm honestly not sure how it's going to flow... just letting you know this from the beginning.
As I mentioned in my last post (before football picks) that I was having a hard time feeling 'happy' at the work Christmas party. I kinda had that same feeling again this weekend. When I was surrounded by my good friends and just feeling like I had to force it a bit. I'm kinda attributing that to some other issues, but I wanted to feel it, I just wasn't. It was only when I was in the group of people, when I was one-on-one I felt a lot better... not sure what that means?
Also going along with the last post... I still feel like I'm not getting what I need from some of my friends (not all of them, just some...) I don't really know how to describe it. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm looking for, or what I do need... but I just don't feel like I'm getting it. I think I might be more dependent on my friends and sad when I don't feel like I'm ever made a priority or a thought sometimes... Like I said last time... this may be me setting my expectation very high... but I guess I've just been felt let down. (just deleted a whole passage where I got way too specific and I really don't want to bitch and moan about my friends here, when most of the time they are great and make me happy)
I feel like this is me just rehashing a lot of what I wrote on Friday. Sometimes I just need to do that... a lot of what I deleted did help to write out (even if it got deleted...) It's been a little over three months since this all went down... at some points, when I'm sad or upset, I just hoped to be a lot further along by now. I knew this stuff would bother me for awhile... but in a lot of ways sometimes I feel like I would be in a better place by now. I mean, I'm happy and getting by and whatever... but sometimes I still get really sad and I still feel really betrayed. And the more I think about how he knew for so long before he told me.... and that he told me over the phone while I was at work just kills me. At times it makes me feel so betrayed and like I wasn't even worth anything to him in the marriage. I feel like he owed me so much more and those thoughts break my heart all over again. Add in how his family has subsequently treated me, and I get pretty sad.
Some of these crying fits and sadness strikes - the feelings feel just as fresh as they were three months ago. Will they subside over time? I guess I will say that I don't feel hopeless and the crying fits/sadness strikes don't last nearly as long... that probably is a subsidizing thing.
Blah... I need to write about something happy next time... not for anyone else, but for myself. I feel like if you read a lot of these posts that you don't get an accurate sense of how I normally feel. So I do feel like I need to stress (both for myself and my readers) that I am happy... I am doing fairly well most of the time. It's not all hopeless and despair... trust me when I say that. Just want/need to work through some of these not so happy things... that's all.
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