Fake It

I don't know what it was about yesterday but it was the first day that I just couldn't will myself to have a good time and be happy.  It was a really weird sensation for me.  I was at my work's Christmas party and I was just not feeling it.  I put on a smile and tried my best, but I feel like it was very obvious that I wasn't in the mood.  It felt really weird and I hope that it's not a trend.  I have a feeling that's what depressed people feel all the time.  I don't think I have depression, and I will be on the look out for the signs (and hope others would be too) but yesterday was just a bit unnerving.  I should have been happy and having a good time... but what I wanted to do was leave, not be around people and just get away... hopefully that doesn't happen again any time soon.

Going along with this... maybe it's related but I don't think it is... but maybe things affect me more than I realize... but yesterday I felt fine in the morning... totally great... was happy and 'moving forward' and all that... and then something happened that just made me feel back at square one.  I know I'm not ever back at square one, but still.  Sometime I feel so dumb for being sad about this or that.  Like it's just so silly, why would anyone be upset about that.  I know that I should just be honest with my feeling, but you can't help but feel dumb sometimes.  If you want to know what happened... yesterday it was announced that Albert Pujols will be going to the Angels next year.  (sad day for Cardinals fans, but is what it is) anywho... my cousin was one of the first to say this on Facebook.  And what do you know, but his brother comments on that status.  This just angers me... a lot.  His brother can delete me off Facebook lickety split yet remains 'friends' with my cousins... my family.  Delete them all... or quit commenting on their status.  (he did it again this morning to my other cousin too...)  I guess it just brings up all those sad feelings I have about his family.  It just hurts me so much.  I thought I was coming terms to it, but I'm not.  I am still really sad and upset about it... more than I really want to admit to myself.

But honestly, I had come to 'terms' with those feelings before the Christmas party - so I didn't think they were related.  I guess I'm worried that I might feel this way throughout Christmas... one of my favorite times of the year.  I really really hope that I don't... I don't think I will, but who knows.  I never love the work Christmas party, so maybe it's just part of that.

And while I'm already talking about stuff that bothers me... I've felt slightly let down by friends.  I will say that it doesn't take much, and I probably have my expectations incredibly high right now.  But, I just have felt really disappointed by some of them lately.  I'm getting irritated at people who say they will go with me to X, Y, or Z and then later get out of it.  I would have appreciated honesty from the beginning instead of false promises or getting my hopes up (for lack of a better phrase/word whatever).  I don't feel like I can really express what I'm feeling.  And some of it probably has to do with something I'm doing wrong or expecting and I shouldn't be.  I don't know... I feel bad even writing this... but it's something that's been on my mind and since this is my blog... I want to write how I honestly feel.  It's a place that I can be honest with myself - I'm not writing this in the hopes someone will read it and change or feel bad or upset... I am writing it because this is my outlet and I need to say it somewhere.  I think I need to figure out a way to lower my expectations... especially in cases where I know they need to be low.

Wow, this post was really a bit of a downer... sorry about that... I hope I don't sound like I'm sad all the time, because that's really not the case... it's just been a slightly rough week in a very odd way... I am happy a lot of the time, but the sad times are the ones that I really start to feel the urge to write.  So what's what this is.