I have told most of my friends (who are my friends first) and thanks to my mom and dad - everyone in my family knows the situation...
But past that I haven't really wanted to make it public news. I know that I will post something on Facebook just b/c it will reach the masses and not involve a million and one phone calls. It's easier to just say this is what happened and be done with it. I would rather not have the repeat the same information again and again and again and again.
But I'm not sure why I just haven't announced it on FB yet... not that I don't believe it, but something just doesn't feel right about it. I guess that it's okay to wait until it does feel right... right? I shouldn't rush into putting something out there I'm not ready to say right?
I'm hoping in the next week something just feels right. I'm not going to force myself and he isn't forcing me into saying anything either.
Thankfully I can say my full, true feelings about this... thank you for reading and blog... thank you for existing.
In other news... I'm headed to a low-key girls night tonight and am so excited... actually I better go get ready I have to be there in like 20 minutes (she lives just 5 minutes away)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Checking In
I'm honestly not sure I have much to say... well, I have a lot to say and nothing to say at all.
I'm still in awe of this situation so much... everything feels like it's happening really fast and it's hard to wrap my mind around. But really... so far... I feel like I'm doing... ok. I get sad... and I'll tear up here and there, but I feel like I'm handling this ok given the circumstances.
Yesterday marked a week... just one week into this whole thing... my mind want to make plans and figure out a plan of life. How long will I stay at my mom's house? Where will I live after that? Should I rent or buy? How will a decorate my new place? These are definiatly things I should not be thinking about yet... but my mind thinks about these things because they don't me unhappy... they don't make me happy, but they don't make me sad either.
I have also chosen not to think about moving out. Everytime I think about all the stuff I need to pack or all the decisions I need to make about what to take my mind feels like it wants to explode. I need to figure out a way to take it a little bit at a time. Maybe one room at a time or just write things down when I think of them... who knows, but I'm going to have to really think about those things relatively soon.
I really feel like at some point I might fall apart. That I'll have a breakdown and cry and cry and be generally pathetic. I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but I have this feeling I'm in a fair amount of denial about the situation... like I know what's happening, but won't know how hard it is not calling that house home anymore or something. We'll see if that happens... I know it will get harder before it's easier.
I become sad about the weirdest things. Like yesterday my friend was telling me a story about a New Year's Eve a few years ago... and it made me think about our low-key New Year's Eves of years past. It's these little things. I know I just have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time... one moment at a time... and I'll get there... but I'm sad about the fact we'll no longer be together. I love him and I so desperately want things to be different.
I haven't told anyone at work, except my close friends. I'm really dreading someone casually asking how he's doing... I'm scared I'm going to breakdown and cry or have to say what happened or whatever. I know I can just answer fine or whatever... but at some point people need to know, how to tell them... well, I haven't figured that out.
I haven't figured a lot of things out, but I figure I'll just make the decisions when they feel right and when they make sense. As much as I want to plan, plan, plan I need to take a step back and just trust that things will happen in time and I'll know the right path when I get there.
Again... thank you friends and family who are supporting me and keeping me looking forward. I feel like I'd be in a much worse spot without you. I will get through this and it will be in big part because of you. Thank you for the comments I've received on this blog. It's nice hearing your kind words.
I'm still in awe of this situation so much... everything feels like it's happening really fast and it's hard to wrap my mind around. But really... so far... I feel like I'm doing... ok. I get sad... and I'll tear up here and there, but I feel like I'm handling this ok given the circumstances.
Yesterday marked a week... just one week into this whole thing... my mind want to make plans and figure out a plan of life. How long will I stay at my mom's house? Where will I live after that? Should I rent or buy? How will a decorate my new place? These are definiatly things I should not be thinking about yet... but my mind thinks about these things because they don't me unhappy... they don't make me happy, but they don't make me sad either.
I have also chosen not to think about moving out. Everytime I think about all the stuff I need to pack or all the decisions I need to make about what to take my mind feels like it wants to explode. I need to figure out a way to take it a little bit at a time. Maybe one room at a time or just write things down when I think of them... who knows, but I'm going to have to really think about those things relatively soon.
I really feel like at some point I might fall apart. That I'll have a breakdown and cry and cry and be generally pathetic. I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but I have this feeling I'm in a fair amount of denial about the situation... like I know what's happening, but won't know how hard it is not calling that house home anymore or something. We'll see if that happens... I know it will get harder before it's easier.
I become sad about the weirdest things. Like yesterday my friend was telling me a story about a New Year's Eve a few years ago... and it made me think about our low-key New Year's Eves of years past. It's these little things. I know I just have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time... one moment at a time... and I'll get there... but I'm sad about the fact we'll no longer be together. I love him and I so desperately want things to be different.
I haven't told anyone at work, except my close friends. I'm really dreading someone casually asking how he's doing... I'm scared I'm going to breakdown and cry or have to say what happened or whatever. I know I can just answer fine or whatever... but at some point people need to know, how to tell them... well, I haven't figured that out.
I haven't figured a lot of things out, but I figure I'll just make the decisions when they feel right and when they make sense. As much as I want to plan, plan, plan I need to take a step back and just trust that things will happen in time and I'll know the right path when I get there.
Again... thank you friends and family who are supporting me and keeping me looking forward. I feel like I'd be in a much worse spot without you. I will get through this and it will be in big part because of you. Thank you for the comments I've received on this blog. It's nice hearing your kind words.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
NFL Picks - Week 1
UPDATE: I have a competitor - Susan has decided to join... anyone else in internet land wanting to jump on board? I'll give the winner a trophy.
Let's see if I can better my record from last year... no competition this year unless anyone wants to join and make it interesting.
New Orleans Saints vs. Green Bay Packers
Atlanta Falcons vs. Chicago Bears
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns
Buffalo Bills vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Philadelphia Eagles vs. St. Louis Rams
Detroit Lions vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tenneessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals
Minnesota Vikings vs. San Diego Chargers
Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers
New York Giants vs. Washington Redskins
Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Jets
New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins
Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Broncos
Me
Susan
Both
Let's see if I can better my record from last year... no competition this year unless anyone wants to join and make it interesting.
New Orleans Saints vs. Green Bay Packers
Atlanta Falcons vs. Chicago Bears
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns
Buffalo Bills vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Philadelphia Eagles vs. St. Louis Rams
Detroit Lions vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tenneessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals
Minnesota Vikings vs. San Diego Chargers
Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers
New York Giants vs. Washington Redskins
Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Jets
New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins
Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Broncos
Me
Susan
Both
Monday, September 5, 2011
What Happened
I think I may be ready to put out there what happened. I have told a lot of my friends (who are my friends first...) and my family all knows.
Last Wednesday around 4:30 (it's funny how these will be the things that will live vividly in my mind, possibly forever.) he texted me that we needed to talk. I asked about what and he said to just call after I got off work. When I called after I got home from work he asked me to come have dinner with him because what he had to say should be done in person. I told him no, that he needed to tell me now... and then he dropped the bomb... he doesn't want to have kids... ever.
I seriously cannot believe that he would drop something like this over the phone, while at work. I mean don't you think that should be something he should say in person?!?
I want to have kids, I've never kept this a secret from him. I know that when I look back on my life I want kids in it... or at the very very least the possibly of kids.
We've talked about this before and he knew that saying those words would essentially end our relationship... I want kids. The weird thing, is he pretty much told me told me that and that our relationship was over. We both knew...
He has been telling me this entire time we could have kids. We had even talked recently about trying at the end of next year when I was finished with school and we had paid down some debt. I didn't see this new turn of events at all. He led me on (which he admits)
I am so heart broken and sad and devastated and sad. I just can't believe this is the new reality. I can't believe it's over. I asked him to try to go to counseling or take some time apart before we jump to any rash decisions... but he won't do it. He refuses to go to counseling.
He made this decision on his own, didn't include me in it at all... it's what he does sometimes... just thinks about himself and does things on his terms. I just can't believe he's throwing this whole marriage away in such a short time. I mean... he's ready to jump to divorce... already.
My friends and family have been great. I am so thankful for them. Not everyone knows yet, like people that are friends with both of us. I'm not sure how telling them will go.
I feel like this post doesn't capture the fullness of the situation... the fullness of what I'm feeling... everyone I've told is in shock and speechless... as am I. I just don't understand why this is happening... and the quickness it's happening at I just can't comprehend...
I will be moving out... not exactly sure when, but I will be moving back home for awhile. I'll be able to save some money and pay off some debt. We've talk about splitting up the bills and such. I can't believe a week ago everything was fine and now I have to think about packing and moving out of my home.
I think that's all I can write for now...
Last Wednesday around 4:30 (it's funny how these will be the things that will live vividly in my mind, possibly forever.) he texted me that we needed to talk. I asked about what and he said to just call after I got off work. When I called after I got home from work he asked me to come have dinner with him because what he had to say should be done in person. I told him no, that he needed to tell me now... and then he dropped the bomb... he doesn't want to have kids... ever.
I seriously cannot believe that he would drop something like this over the phone, while at work. I mean don't you think that should be something he should say in person?!?
I want to have kids, I've never kept this a secret from him. I know that when I look back on my life I want kids in it... or at the very very least the possibly of kids.
We've talked about this before and he knew that saying those words would essentially end our relationship... I want kids. The weird thing, is he pretty much told me told me that and that our relationship was over. We both knew...
He has been telling me this entire time we could have kids. We had even talked recently about trying at the end of next year when I was finished with school and we had paid down some debt. I didn't see this new turn of events at all. He led me on (which he admits)
I am so heart broken and sad and devastated and sad. I just can't believe this is the new reality. I can't believe it's over. I asked him to try to go to counseling or take some time apart before we jump to any rash decisions... but he won't do it. He refuses to go to counseling.
He made this decision on his own, didn't include me in it at all... it's what he does sometimes... just thinks about himself and does things on his terms. I just can't believe he's throwing this whole marriage away in such a short time. I mean... he's ready to jump to divorce... already.
My friends and family have been great. I am so thankful for them. Not everyone knows yet, like people that are friends with both of us. I'm not sure how telling them will go.
I feel like this post doesn't capture the fullness of the situation... the fullness of what I'm feeling... everyone I've told is in shock and speechless... as am I. I just don't understand why this is happening... and the quickness it's happening at I just can't comprehend...
I will be moving out... not exactly sure when, but I will be moving back home for awhile. I'll be able to save some money and pay off some debt. We've talk about splitting up the bills and such. I can't believe a week ago everything was fine and now I have to think about packing and moving out of my home.
I think that's all I can write for now...
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Another Day
I'm feeling like these short posts might be helping. Who knows if they actually are...
Thus far today has been a better day... I haven't broken down and cried yet today... I mean, that's not to say it won't happen.
We talked today... I was worried that it could turn heated, but it was all civil and I feel like we came to some good decisions.
I think I'm really numb right now... and I think I'm in a fair amount of denial. I was telling my friend that I thought I was... and she told me something that made sense... that it's okay to be in denial... why sit there and think about the whole weight of the situation as long as you're doing the things you need to do.
I will say I have this weight in my chest... it's like I can't get a full breath... I have to really concentrate and breathe deeply in order to get a fully breath...
My friend is going to help me find a counselor... so I'm going to make an appointment that that sometime to this week... Hopefully that will help things...
My friends have really come through for me... and I imagine they will continue to do so. It's so hard for me to ask for help sometimes or tell them that I need to be around them. I know I need to use this at this time... help me, be around me, just help me feel normal.
Thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it... I need it
Thus far today has been a better day... I haven't broken down and cried yet today... I mean, that's not to say it won't happen.
We talked today... I was worried that it could turn heated, but it was all civil and I feel like we came to some good decisions.
I think I'm really numb right now... and I think I'm in a fair amount of denial. I was telling my friend that I thought I was... and she told me something that made sense... that it's okay to be in denial... why sit there and think about the whole weight of the situation as long as you're doing the things you need to do.
I will say I have this weight in my chest... it's like I can't get a full breath... I have to really concentrate and breathe deeply in order to get a fully breath...
My friend is going to help me find a counselor... so I'm going to make an appointment that that sometime to this week... Hopefully that will help things...
My friends have really come through for me... and I imagine they will continue to do so. It's so hard for me to ask for help sometimes or tell them that I need to be around them. I know I need to use this at this time... help me, be around me, just help me feel normal.
Thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it... I need it
Friday, September 2, 2011
This Morning
This morning was really tough... I actually thought I was doing okay... I mean the crying had subsided a bit... but this morning... it came on like a wave like no other. I cried, sobbed, hyperventilated, and cried some more.
I don't know what it was about this morning... I had looked on Facebook only to see happy posts from happy people living lives they haven't been completely turned upside-down. At one point this morning I looked into the mirror... I really looked at myself in the mirror... I don't think I've looked at myself since Wednesday... I'm not sure what looking at myself has anything to do with anything... but I broke down.
I also was about to get in the shower and I just crumbled... I crumbled to the floor and sobbed... it was like I just couldn't stand... I wanted to lay on the floor... but I forced myself to get up.
After those to two breakdowns I just wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it to work... but I forced myself. I made myself get in the shower, I made myself get dressed and I made myself go to work.
And you know what? After all that crying and worrying... I was fine. I lived. I survived. I made it through the day. I got better. I can do this... I can do this... I CAN DO THIS.
I will be brave... I will survive and I will come out of this a better more competent person.
I'm going to have more morning like this... and I know it's going to be awhile before I'm okay... but I will get there... time heals all wounds... so where's the fast forward button?
I don't know what it was about this morning... I had looked on Facebook only to see happy posts from happy people living lives they haven't been completely turned upside-down. At one point this morning I looked into the mirror... I really looked at myself in the mirror... I don't think I've looked at myself since Wednesday... I'm not sure what looking at myself has anything to do with anything... but I broke down.
I also was about to get in the shower and I just crumbled... I crumbled to the floor and sobbed... it was like I just couldn't stand... I wanted to lay on the floor... but I forced myself to get up.
After those to two breakdowns I just wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it to work... but I forced myself. I made myself get in the shower, I made myself get dressed and I made myself go to work.
And you know what? After all that crying and worrying... I was fine. I lived. I survived. I made it through the day. I got better. I can do this... I can do this... I CAN DO THIS.
I will be brave... I will survive and I will come out of this a better more competent person.
I'm going to have more morning like this... and I know it's going to be awhile before I'm okay... but I will get there... time heals all wounds... so where's the fast forward button?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Sad
I am sad... I am only about 24 hours into this new reality and I am so sad. I don't even know how much more pain, hurt, and sadness is around the corner... I won't know until I get there.
I don't know where my life is going to go from here... it's going to be completely different than it's been... and that's so so scary. I have no clue how things will turn out. I'm back at square one.
All I know is as of yesterday my whole life changed. My heart is broken and life as I knew it is crumbling before my very eyes.
I know I will be okay, and this just wasn't the life path for me... but it's sad... so very very sad. Life as I pictured it will not happen.
I'm sad about so many things... the things I'm losing... its effect on other people... losing my best friend.
I would have never pictured myself in this situation... never... but here I am. It's the reality that I'm faced with and I have no other choice than to stand up for myself and deal with it. Find a way to make myself happy... rely on my amazing friends and family.
One moment everything is fine and the next... well... you don't know what tomorrow holds...
But losing my best friend... that's the worst... the absolute worst...
**I know this post might not make sense to most people right now... but I'll give details when I'm ready... I'm not ready yet and I'm not sure when I will be.
I don't know where my life is going to go from here... it's going to be completely different than it's been... and that's so so scary. I have no clue how things will turn out. I'm back at square one.
All I know is as of yesterday my whole life changed. My heart is broken and life as I knew it is crumbling before my very eyes.
I know I will be okay, and this just wasn't the life path for me... but it's sad... so very very sad. Life as I pictured it will not happen.
I'm sad about so many things... the things I'm losing... its effect on other people... losing my best friend.
I would have never pictured myself in this situation... never... but here I am. It's the reality that I'm faced with and I have no other choice than to stand up for myself and deal with it. Find a way to make myself happy... rely on my amazing friends and family.
One moment everything is fine and the next... well... you don't know what tomorrow holds...
But losing my best friend... that's the worst... the absolute worst...
**I know this post might not make sense to most people right now... but I'll give details when I'm ready... I'm not ready yet and I'm not sure when I will be.
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