My Breastfeeding Journey

As the biggest, hardest part of my breastfeeding journey is nearing an end I wanted to write out what it's been like... for memory's sake mostly.  Even now I don't remember everything from the beginning... but regardless I wanted to share my story.

first time feeding Simon a bottle

Before I was pregnant and even during pregnancy when thinking about the options of if I was going to breastfeed or not, I always assumed that I would... I mean it's pushed hard that it's the right choice to make if you can... and certainly the cheaper choice.  I had also read a lot of stories about women who really wanted to breastfeed but were unable to due to one reason or another.  So I told myself that I would try to do it, but if it didn't end up working out that I wouldn't be too hard on myself.  I was going to do what I could do to make it work.  In all honesty the thought of me actually BFing seemed hard to believe... but probably mostly b/c I've never done it before.  I signed up for a class at the hospital we would give birth at and I hoped that natural instinct, that class and the LCs/nurses would help send us down a path for success.  Also, I ordered a pump through my insurance since it was free and if I'd be BFing I'd have to pump when I went back to work.

Dan's first time feeding Simon

And then Simon's birth happened the way it did... a month early, the class hadn't taken place yet and past that Simon was whisked off to the NICU shortly after he was born... so there was no nursing right away.



After my time in recovery they brought me down to my hospital room and the nurse met us there and briefly described how to use the pump.  I was told to start pumping immediately to get everything going... and I did.  Nothing came out those first few times, but slowly after time I'd get a little and a little more and more.  All my milk was sent down to the NICU for Simon to have once he was ready.



The next day a LC came in and talked to me a bit more about pumping... of course the nurse from the previous day had given me some wrong information... but I kept at it.  I'd set alarms to wake up in the middle of the night to pump and I read a ton online about exclusively pumping.  I didn't even really know the phrase "exclusive pumper" until I finally figured out the term that I should be googling.

Lots of photos of Simon holding his own bottle

I was very concerned in the beginning that I wasn't making enough, that I'd get way more milk from one side over the other and many other things that are gross and you probably don't want those nitty gritty details... but I was making enough for Simon.  Even after I was discharged and Simon was still in the NICU I'd pump around the clock and bring all the milk up to the hospital.  I kept telling myself for now I'm making enough for him and that's all I can ask myself to do... it's working today... and just tried to take it one day at a time.

I read a lot of things online... you see being an exclusive pumper is different obviously from nursing but it's also different from nursing and pumping.  So at times I had to really dig for answers to questions I had.  Things I had to figure out - how long to pump for, how often, how to up the supply on the under performing side, why does it look like this... etc etc etc. 



I had a pumping schedule and in the beginning did it about 7 times a day.  Everything you read will say to pump 8-12 times a day, but I just couldn't do that... I landed on 7 and I'll tell you for me it worked out. 

At the hospital we started feeding Simon bottles and I did meet with a LC to try to nurse.  We tried a couple of times and she was super positive but Simon looked at me like WTF and I'm not sure it was ever really working... so I kept pumping.  I thought maybe when I got home I'd try to nurse him more often... but we were good with pumping and bottle feeding so in the end he would be fed.  I did try nursing him a couple of times at home, but I wasn't confident and just decided I would be an exclusive pumper.  I know I could have tried harder to promote a nursing relationship but it just wasn't feeling like the right thing to do...

I'm not going to lie, in the beginning it's tough and painful for a myriad of reasons.  Your whole day is controlled by when you're going to pump.  As I said before I was pumping on average 7 times a day for 30ish minutes per time that's 3.5 hours of my day there... but I'd also have to get set up and then clean up and wash bottles and pump parts and freeze my extra milk and feed Simon and then it was pretty much time to pump again.



When he first came home I would feed him first and then pump... I quickly realized that I couldn't sustain that schedule forever so I started to feed him WHILE I pumped and that was a bit of a game changer.  We got into a good rhythm.  I could only sleep in about 2.5-3 hour increments but I was pumping every time he ate and that's exactly what they want you to do.


My whole life felt controlled by my boobs in the beginning.  I would always pump before I showered so I didn't get a let down in the shower, I always saved pumping for the last thing to do before we walked out the door, and I learned quickly I needed to bring my pump where ever we went just in case we'd be there longer than expected.  I'd pump in the car on the way to or from places, pumped in people's houses, I just needed to keep pumping.  I mean engorgement was one big reason, but certainly another was establishing and maintaining a supply.  Hindsight I really tried to plan my pumping around my day instead of planning my day around pumping.



I kept telling myself that every day I pumped was one more day that Simon would get breast milk instead of formula, to just get through that day... and soon the days turned into weeks turned into months.  I had in my mind toyed with the idea of BFing a year... but when I really tried to set myself up for success and that I would keep pumping as long as it made sense.  I'd set short term goals - get to three months, get to four months, etc.


My "sometimes breastfeeding looks like this" photo

I was lucky enough to be what they call an "over supplier" at most I was making about 50oz per day which was well over the amount the Simon was eating so I was able to slowly build a freezer stash.  After I filled up the entire bottom drawer of our freezer with milk we bought a deep freeze.  I then daydreamed about the day I would have enough milk frozen to get Simon to a year and then I'd be able to quit.


freezer stash

I went back to work in January (4 months in) and wasn't entirely sure what my schedule would look like.  I was lucky though to have my own office which made pumping at work very easy... and Susan was kind enough to lend me her old pump so I wouldn't have to cart it back and forth.  Around that time I dropped down to 5 pumps per day.  That was tough though since I was having to pump when I got home during my precious time with Simon.


Soon I dropped down to just 4 pumps per day and honestly that was great and worked out so well.  In addition to that I finally joined and was accepted into an Exclusive Pumping group on Facebook and it was so motivating and re-energized me to keep on pumping.


I then started to think about my exit strategy... when would I hang up the flanges?  I really wanted to let myself quit when it felt right and not push myself too too much.  I decided that maybe I would quit once Simon was six months old and we'd just ride out the freezer stash as much as we could...


The thing about my freezer stash is that even though I tracked all my pump sessions and output I did not track how much was in my freezer stash... it felt like a lot, but I had no idea.  The other thing about freezer stashes is when you really start to crunch the numbers that stash goes very quickly.  I decided to count all the ounces I had saved up and used an app on my phone that helps you determine when you can quit.


When six months quickly crept up on me I just didn't feel right about weaning at six months... deep down I knew I wanted to try to get Simon to a year on breast milk... and that's the only thing that really felt right to me.... so I pumped on... by the calculations of the app it would be around June that I'd be able to stop... but with my refined calculations (I was over estimating the amount that Simon eats and under estimating the amount I produced) it was more like May that I'd be able to quit...


And soon May was here... and it was met with really mixed feelings about quitting... but I pushed forward with weaning... I had dropped down to three pumps and then to two... I then slowly moved the first pump of the day closer to the second one... I'll tell you it was REALLY nice not having to wake up extra early to pump before work.


And then I got down to just one pump a day... and then I started to decrease the amount of time to that pump...


I was more sad about stopping pumping than I thought... I mean I know why it's amazing to not have to deal with pumping anymore... to have my body back... blah blah blah... but I grew more attached to the pumping than I expected to.  After I got over the toughness of the beginning I settled into a routine that worked and it grew a part of me...


And Simon, getting all those benefits of breast milk... the little guy hasn't been sick once since making his dramatic entrance into the world... whether or not it was because of the milk - that might be debatable, but it certainly didn't hurt!


I am now done pumping.  I had this idea in my head that I wanted to be done by Rachel's wedding.  That way I wouldn't have to drag my pump up to Iowa and deal with it all weekend.  As the day approached to her wedding I really didn't think I would be done.  That week before I was able to go over 36 hours between pumps and I thought hey maybe! but I still brought my pump with me to Iowa.  The Friday morning before we left I was super uncomfortable and since we'd be in a car for roughly 6 hours I just didn't want to spend that time like that... so I pumped for about 5-6 minutes before we left and sent that milk over to my mom's with Simon.  When I had to pump that morning I really thought ok, this whole weekend is going to be a quick pump a day b/c I'm not spending it uncomfortable... but a crazy thing happened... I never started to feel uncomfortable and pump the morning of June 3rd was my last and at the time I had no idea it would be. I always thought it would this big ceremonious thing in my head... but it wasn't... it was quick and done right before I left for a trip.


Earlier that week I was feeling sad about being done and not giving Simon fresh milk anymore... so one morning I made a bottle of fresh milk I had and gave it to him so I could just have a sense of finality.  I'm happy I had that moment with him... he probably didn't care, but I did.


Exclusive pumping is one of the hardest things I've done in my life... especially in the beginning... I'm so happy that my body worked the way it's designed to give my son breast milk.  I'm so proud of myself for lasting as long as I did and being able to choose to quit because I was able to make it to our goal. 


My crappy attempt at a photo of our last fresh milk bottle together

Our breastfeeding journey isn't done yet, I had about 3000oz frozen and when we get through all of that then it will be, but my pumping journey is over.  And looking back I'm so happy that I made it!  I made it!